Has teen parenting changed?

[is30tooyoungformidlifecrisis]

I have a newborn and a toddler, and I had expectations about how I'd parent them as teens based on my own experience but reading MN the last couple of years it seems parents are very involved and I'm wondering if expectations have changed? Examples below, for context I am 31, did GCSEs 15 years ago and went to uni 13 years ago.

• Studying/GCSEs - I was left to it. I was a good student so maybe my parents didnt feel the need to be involved but I made my own study schedule and did it. On MN people talk about how to get their kids to study, helping with studies, feeling guilty for their kids getting lower results than they wanted as if they should've done more

• Jobs - I got a job in retail at 16, I made my own CV after a pshe lesson about CVs, applied, interviewed, got the bus, set my own alarms. My mum did wash my uniform! But on MN parents talk about helping their kids find work, getting them out of bed and driving to and from work for them.

• Learning to drive. I got £100 towards driving lessons for my 16th birthday which I was really pleased about, but I had to give up lessons after a while as I couldn't afford them just working Saturdays around college. On MN parents seem to pay for lessons and then often a car? Or insure the teen to drive parents car.

I think my childhood was great, helpful parents and we have a good relationship, I don't feel hard done by, but on MN it just seems like parents are way more involved and take way more responsibility for their 16-18 years olds' lives. What do you think, have expectations changed for what parents should do?

It varies from family to family, as I think it always has done.

I didn't ever need to get involved with dd's study habits because she was self motivated. Some kids probably do need more of a push, and I remember some of my friends' parents being more involved than mine when I was a teen 35 years ago!

DD found a job in a local cafe at 16 without my involvement. And she washed all of her own clothes at that age too.

We did pay for driving lessons for dd because we could afford to do so and we felt that it was an important life skill. However, dd hasn't ever been insured to drive my car, and she is currently saving up to buy and insure her own. Quite a few of my friends as teenagers had all of their lessons paid for as kids, and since of them were given cars as well.

I do think parents may be more involved now, on average, than they were back in the day, but I do think there has always been quite a wide range of what's "normal". Parenting styles are different in different families, and different families obviously have different financial circumstances etc.

You are right. We are way over involved in our DS’ life. He is 16. I never thought it would be this way, but it has turned out like that and I don’t really know how to take a backwards step! It’s partially compounded by the fact that he has type 1 diabetes which has made me over protective and over involved and just adds a layer of complication to everything.

That said, he has aced his GCSEs, has a job and a great group of friends who he was out with all day yesterday.
Last night he told me very kindly that I didn’t need to get involved in his A levels so I will try very hard not to.

DD (14) is more independent and gets herself up and out, does her paper round without being nagged out of bed and is just generally more proactive. She is also doing well at school.

Upshot is, yes it has changed significantly since I was younger and I blame myself! On the plus side, they are both pretty cool people so it’s not all bad.

gcses:

many parents do leave kids to it. Especially if the teens are getting the grades they need. But there are a fair few teens who say they want to do a levels and then don’t study, or who get a grade lower than 4 in the mocks and the parents get involved to make sure they pass.

if you passed all your GCSEs without problems your parents probably did not see the need to get involved.

jobs: it is much much harder for 16 year olds to get jobs now. A lot of places won’t take them below 18.

driving: rich parents have always paid for driving lessons. Poor ones can’t afford it.

I totally agree, with my dd I supported with GCSEs and was happy to buy study guides etc but the actual studying was left up to her.

There was also a clear expectation that she worked from 16yo, she got a Saturday job in retail and worked over the holidays.

My dd saved enough money to pay for all her own driving lessons, I paid for the theory test and insurance on my car so I could take her out.

This is really similar to my own teen experience and I think it’s about right. Dd should work imo and I’m happy to support but clear the responsibility to actually study is hers.

I’m much older than you and I had my driving lessons paid for, my parents ferried me about and i certainly didn’t have a job at 16. I think it’s not about time that has changed but different folk do different things.

Well my DC are your age and it was totally different. Your upbringing sounds more like mine was in the 60s. My parents barely knew I was doing GCSEs. I got no financial help with anything and was working at 16.
I wanted to do it differently for mine.
We were very involved at school, I really wouldn't want to "leave them to it" and risk them doing badly for the want of some parental support.
I paid for driving lessons, bought them a car, gave them house deposit.
We have a great relationship with them as adults and they definitely appreciate our help. They are not feckless or entitled, are good with money and have great careers.

I think this is true, I had a friend whose parents paid for all her driving lessons, maybe that one is more about money than responsibility

I tend to agree with this. I mainly left my kids to it as they were pretty good at managing their own study time. I was just there to help with any revision etc if they asked me, and support with applications for college/uni if need be.

Most places absolutely do not want to hire under 18s, and if they do manage to find a job it has to be somewhere easily accessible. Parents can’t always take them and it would probably cost more in taxi fare than they’re actually earning.

Driving lessons - yes, we pay. I don’t know any parents that don’t. Lessons are expensive and kids in full time school or college just aren’t going to be able to afford it.

I imagine parenting teens will have changed again in the next 10 years when yours get there.

OP: You sound like you didn’t need much involvement from parents, and I didn’t either. My parents were wealthy so funded my driving lessons etc but otherwise I was able to study and get a job without their input and advice. I’m a parent of teens and I would 100% say that every parent is different t depending on what their teens are like and how much money/knowledge/ resources they have. I have four good friends and we all parent very differently- my feeling is that this is partly due to how were parented (“I funded my own driving lessons so my kids will too”) and partly in response to how their kids are- kids who stay in bed and don’t study or get a job will need a bit more input and pushing than my kids who I have to encourage to take a break from study! I think it’s always been that way.. it gets hard as we parent older teens and children because our different parenting choices suddenly make such a huge impact on our kids and they will start comparing a lot more- my DD has a friend who has parents who earn similar to us but has had to work all through sixth form to fund her driving lessons while we have felt that we wanted DD to spend time studying and we would fund them. This is a cause for some snide comments and conflict but everyone has to do what they feel is best for their own family