Teenagers

[Pinkbasketcase]

I'm at a loss.

16 year old literally does nothing. Doesn't know what to do with their life. Happy enough to sit in their room and vape (evening though they have been told not to!) Will not communicate, clean after themselves etc but expects to lifted and lead. Can be aggressive. As in will knock into me when he walks past (when in a mood) and throw stuff at me.

What appropriate consequences are there? We talk but he doesn't want to listen or communicate.

Genuinely do not know what to do.

A kick up the hole is what he needs.
I have said it before on here

1. no money for anything (including vapes!!)
2. no phone as that costs money.
3. Kill the wifi.
4. No lifts to and from anywhere. The end!

That sounds really tough. His behaviour is abusive and the knocking into you and throwing stuff is inexcusable. Are you parenting alone? Is his father around?
Does he have periods when he is communicative?

You make it very clear.

you want a lift to X? Sorry I don’t give lifts to people who throw things at me.

you want Y? What are you going to offer me?

make it clear you only do stuff for him if he does stuff for you.

they get the message.

He is not doing nothing sitting in his room. He is, in a sense, pupating. He will emerge in a few years, a very different person.

But I’m half joking and it’s no joke while this is happening op. I just want you to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Sixteen is a difficult age for boys.

Obviously the aggression and disrespect need to stop. Does his dad have any involvement in his life?

Is there a male figure or just a supportive friend you can call on to be in the house occasionally to give you moral support and show your ds that he doesn’t get everything his way?

At sixteen, he needs something to do. Either full time education, training, volunteering, work, or half and half. How has it arisen that he is not enrolled in anything? Is there still time to get him in to a sixth form college in September doing retakes or whatever? Army cadets? Apprenticeship?

His lifts, money, clothes, wi-fi etc should come from his participation in something. Having loads of time on his hands is asking for trouble. Some teens do benefit from a year out but that is usually for pupils who are very anxious and I wouldn’t recommend more than that.

Don’t argue with him. Tell him he can make decisions about his own life but in that case, he also gets to suffer the natural consequences of those decisions.

Thanks everyone.

He is in-between jobs, he will go help neighbours do jobs here and there. He can sustain his habit no bother as he is getting paid. Wi-Fi is switched off at night (it's on a timer). I'm not sure I can remove the phone as it's more hassle than it worth, like he really loses his cool.
He is enrolled in a course, however he has not completed the paperwork needed, apparently they got lost 🙄

Yes, dad is here and will pull him up on his behavior. But then we end up butting heads because we disagree (not often).

Having loads of time on his hands is asking for trouble. - this is my worry!

Does he have periods when he is communicative? - these are few and far between!

I understand 16 is very stressful and a difficult stage to navigate.. however, I have other children and it's really unfair for them to have to experience his behavior. He is refusing to seek other support or talk to someone.

-In your shoes op I think I would really double down on the course enrolment. Go to the college with him if possible and fill out the papers there and then. He may be more amenable to this than you think when he realises that the majority of his friends will be doing something in September. Drop in the names of his friends occasionally and ask what they are doing.

-can you and your dh make an effort to present a united front? I know it’s far from easy when you disagree! But don’t let your ds play each of you off against one another. Your dh should come down hard on him if your ds is aggressive towards you.

-I wouldn’t be attempting to take a phone off a 16 year old either. He should be capable of exercising self control over its use by now. Parenting should now be altered from “top down” to “along side”. In other words, he takes responsibility and makes his own decisions. And you support, believe in him and expect him to make the right choices, even if you don’t quite yet 😄. He is young, he won’t get it right until he feels the full consequences and learns for himself. Give him more responsibility not less.

-Maybe time to dress up and take him out to a restaurant lunch one on one where he doesn’t feel 100% comfortable 😆 and ask him about where he sees his life going? What is his plan for the next five years? What does he enjoy? How does he see his life panning out?

-At the same time you would maybe have a quiet word and tell him that his siblings are looking up to him and watching how he behaves?

-And don’t forget to keep having good times with him even if you have to grit your teeth. Even 10 minutes a day is better than nothing. Use humour and junk food. Start each day with a clean sheet. Ultimately it’s his relationship with you and your dh which will keeps him safe during the cocky know it all stage.

-Step back, live your life, and let your ds get on with his, don’t micro-manage or take the tetchiness personally. He does his own washing and chores. Cleans his own room. It’s up to your ds now and you can support and steer from the sidelines and approach him with a “it will be interesting to see what decisions you make for yourself for September; your dad and I know you are more than capable of making a success of whatever you put your mind to doing”. I know it’s awkward and a bit cheesy but they need to hear it!

Your dh needs to step up here. You mention you butt heads. What happens there? Does your ds witness this?
Does your ds barge his dad as well or only you? Your dh should go ballistic at this.
You and dh need to be on the same page and your dh needs to back you up.
In your situation, I would get him to sort out the enrolment, help him to find a job and tell him you’re really proud of him the way he does jobs for his neighbours.
When teens are in this situation, they can benefit from more love, connection and positive words about them. It’s easy to get into that rut where you’re always having a go at them or the conversation only revolves around them doing better.

He might benefit from one to one time with his dad and with you, if he’s willing. If he’s not, then start working on little things that can help you to get there. Food works well.