14 year old self-esteem

[crazypiglady]

I’m worried about my DD, please go gently on me. She had a horrible y9 with bullying her (school weren’t proactive, moving school isn’t an option right now), she was sensitive before that with wavering self-esteem but now it’s on the floor. She’s an introvert & enjoys being at home but this summer break she’s either been in her room, a few days out with her best friend, a few shifts at her job or at the 1 hobby she does enjoy (which is solo hobby). To get her out the house today, I suggested dinner out but when she went to get ready, she cried saying she’s too ugly to leave the house. I don’t know what to do. I’m terrified of poor mental health as there’s a lot of it on my side of the family and I also suffer. I don’t want to make it worse, I don’t know how to make it better. Please help.

Have you thought about looking together at the Childline website www.childline.org.uk?

It recognises the damage done by bullying to the victim, and points to ideas on how to build self-esteem. There are also helpful references to ways of coping, and to body image issues. There are peer support boards, and easy access to counsellors to support young people who are finding things difficult.

It’s hard to watch a child who is struggling, and if you can talk to her and she will open up, that’s great. But many young people resist taking to parents because they don’t want to cause worry. If you can start a conversation and help her to access things that might help? And it’s really natural to worry about her, and not always be able to help, just because very few of us are skilled in these areas, and even those that are so skilled find applying skills to their own children difficult. Good luck!

Is she getting help for her mental health issues, is not take her to the GP to put the ball in motion.

Yes so when we went to school she got referred for counselling but they said the wait would be 2 years (by which point she’d have finished school), I presume that’s through CAMHS so the GP would be the same?

I don’t know if I should push her to go out, or let her sit in her sadness until it passes, my fear is it won’t pass. The more she isolates, the worse I fear it’ll get. She’s doing great at her job, loves her hobby, loves her best mate but has to be pushed to do anything that involves leaving the house during school breaks. I know my own fear of poor MH is clouding how I deal with her, & I’m worried my panic will make the situation worse.

What about a sport club, even just a non-competitve one that's more about fun? I'd also look into doing drama, or LAMDA and something like that to slowly build her confidence. Again art can be another great way to do that. I think CBT could be helpful for her and there is the ability to self-refer for talking therapies, which you could look into - or even just the SliverCloud online whilst you wait.

I just wanted to drop in and say my 14yo has been similar re not wanting to leave her room/the house much at all this holiday. She has not had bullying issues but also has quite low self-esteem at times, but I remember feeling similar (she got beeped walking into town so now just wants to wear super baggy clothes but will be mortified if her hair doesn't look just right). It's a tough time with huge emotions that they know are extreme but can't help. I wanted to let you know your DD isn't the only hermit and it may not be her MH that is causing it, so try not to worry until you know on that front. Keep communication open as I am sure you are. Mine is right on the bridge of feeling super adult and feeling she knows more about life than me at times then also wanting plushies in her room and a cuddle in the mornings...Never underestimate a cuddle and restful quiet next to them for them suddenly opening up or a car journey, IME!