At breaking point with DS

[Monstersincq]

DS has always been a bit more intense and less easy going than his peers. Highly competitive and very very hard on himself. This often manifests itself as putting others down. I think he is really self conscious and makes himself feel better by taking down others. I think Ive made this worse but praising his intelligence and ability too much when he was young and now he defines himself by it so the stakes are high.

He has started being really really unkind to his siblings (including much much younger) and very recently being a bit physical (nothing huge but things like a deliberately too hard squeeze of the shoulder type thing). The put downs are often very very subtle and he does a lot of 'what? I was joking!' And acting as though the recipient is crazy to mind. After a lot of years of tolerance and trying to be his friend his siblings are now reacting back. He is relishing this and now goads them and enjoys pointing out their 'over reactions' to 'nothing'.

It feels very cruel and his siblings are suffering. Day to day but also I fear long term re self esteem. Lots of appearance and ability based comments, humiliating them in front of people etc.

I am not dealing it with it well, including times of totally losing my rag and bursting into tears. Both of which I know do not help at all.

But I have spent years and years being so calm, always talking kindly, never 'punishing', trying to see his side and always apologising for any of my missteps. I don't know what to do. We have a really fantastic relationship outside of this but it is starting to really be impacted.

I would be so grateful for some advice from other teen boy mums. I love him so much and I know this likely comes from a place of pain for him. I just don't know how to help.

I agree with much of what people have said - especially giving him a bit of one to one time with adults. But he's separating himself from you and the 'family unit' as he forges his own identity. Being unkind is not on, but it's natural for him not to want to do things with all of you any more or to have smaller children hanging round him all the time.

Can I recommend the use of the word 'phase' when you address the issues with him? As in 'you seem to be in a bit of an aggressive phase and we don't like that...' The word implies that it's not a permanent mindset, that you know it will pass and it's a 'just at the moment' thing. It might help him to feel that you're not condemning him to a future of being 'the bad one', but that you know it's something he's passing through.

I definitely call him out all the time. I talk him throughthe bad behaviour etc etc. But I dont do consequences like 'no phone' because he has very little of that stuff. Significantly less screen time than peers etc. He is also not very attached to those things so would be unlikely to care that much.

But maybe I do need to explore the idea of 'consequences' of that nature i.e. clear punishments. It just seems to be it will only stoke the fire, he barely did anything and its so unfair etc etc. I struggle to see him going wow my phone time has been reduced I better not do that again. This is also because its much more complex than something clear cut like 'if you miss you curfew (im talking hypothetically!) Then this is the consequence'. Its about saying little snide comments and making everyone feel on egg shells that he might say something mean etc.

Where is his Dad?

He has got away with being awful for ages, he needs proper consequences. Don’t be wishy washy, say it and mean it and if he doesn’t comply do it.

Can’t you talk about feelings, his feelings and how he makes others feel and how he would feel if he was on the receiving end ?

“I’ve had enough of your shitty behaviour towards your siblings. It stops. Now. No more pretending you don’t know what you’ve done. Every time you do XYZ you lose the WiFi password for two days. Zero tolerance. If your behaviour doesn’t change it will be three days loss of WiFi each time. Then four and so on”

Teens are hard. You’ve got to be harder.

I always went very hard on my older boy. Probably as I had been bullied as a child. I would always say "When one child is crying and another child is laughing, it's not a game, it's bullying". Any sort of protestation "I didn't do anything wrong" - repeat firmly. Take away priviledges. Stamp this behaviour out.

This strategy does take a bit of time and effort to get and continue going.

However, I believe it is the result of this approach my two teenages (16 and 14) are not exactly best buddies (they are very different people) but very close and do lots of things together.

My friend let the older boy bully the younger (same age as mine) when they were young. The younger one cannot stand his brother now and they do nothing together. Which is a great shame as I clearly remember the little one looking up to his big brother.

You also need to bear in mind that bullying and arrogant behaviour causes people a lot of grief when they go out into real world and start working.

I also have a grown up friend who is not in contact with her parents as she believes they ignored the bullying inflicted upon her by older siblings.

There are a lot of charities dedicated to bullying in children and a lot of resources. I think you need to take this issue very seriously.

@Monstersincqthing is, although it’s mostly subtle, snidy comments rather than ‘clear cut’ behaviour issues, your ds knows exactly what he’s doing. He knows the nasty, underhand comments that will really upset his siblings. It’s bullying. I think you need to talk to him in a very direct way, state that you can see what he’s doing, and that he obviously knows he’s doing it and it must stop. Have a clear sanction if he continues.

it also seems there are issues with him feeling it’s ’them against me’ if there are 3 other siblings who generally get along and are closer in age. So it’s worth broaching that discussion too. Ask him how he feels about it. Does he feel outnumbered? Not listened to? Does be resent feeling he has to be the role model, the one who takes charge of the younger ones?

@ByGreyWriter everything you say describes my sister (eg getting off on reactions) to this day. I was rather hoping that at his age there was hope for this lad with a bit of communication

@ByGreyWriter unfortunately not, she happens to be the Golden Child as well and is completely full of her own importance, nothing wrong here no sir, not that she ticks every box for NPD or anything! I fight a losing battle with it and I am extremely low contact.