Teenage daughter

[Carol52]

Hi I will try to make this short.
two children,
my daughter is 14 has had a year of stomach pain lots of tests medication etc. going for a endoscopy this week.
I think some problems are anxiety etc.
my son 18 going touniversity so a lot of time has been spent on him lately.
the awful thing is I know I get on better with him because we like the sane things. But I do try and make it equal.
my ddughter has clubs and a couple of friend but loads of friends on snap chat.
She is always on her phone if I take it off her she gets really annoyed and we argue .
We went out last night for a meal to celebrate my son passing his a levels. She started being moody and I could tell she was not happy.. She went to the toilet I went after her she cried she said I have had a tough year it’s all about( my son). I ask her all the time is she ok does she needs to talk. We do things together . Sometimes it’s that attitude of a teenager I can’t be bothered or in their room alot.I said to her there is obviously something bothering her and we need to talk .so this morning I am going to sit her down and get to the bottom of everything
any advice

Celebrating your son's A level results SHOULD be all about him - this is HIS day, and she is trying to make it all about her? She sounds spoilt and very self centred. I would have been pretty blunt with her, tbh.

She sounds upset because the attention wasn’t on her. Are the stomach pains a way to get your attention?

Sometimes you can give a teenager everything and they still won’t be happy.

I don’t know I am stressed because we don’t know if the stomach pain is something else but the hospital have said they don’t think it is serious. We argue and we end up shouting. If I take her phone she is so moody and annoyed. I don’t want to makeher feel worse or not tell you anything . She is a typical teenager doesn’t want to do any doesn’t tidy up which irritates me. I would not mind if she was b us at doing stuff but she is not . What should I say today to keep calm but find out what’s going on

Also she sounds addicted to her phone. Like any addiction it needs to be addressed. Look it up.

Not sure why the replies are so unsympathetic to your daughter. Being a teenage girl sucks. Honestly I wouldn't try to get to the bottom of anything immediately. I would try to do something nice together instead. Maybe drive there and see if anything comes out in the car. In my experience emotionally intense talks where you try to wring out of your kid what's going on don't have that effect and just end up with you both annoyed.

It probably was jealousy on your son's A level results day (well done him) and it would have been better if she hasn't behaved like that obviously, but show me a teenage girl who doesn't have unreasonable feelings...

God what is it with this place? Everyone is spoilt and needs punishing no matter how clearly they're struggling. So many shit parents here with zero empathy, it's really depressing.

Obviously the day of your son's results will be all about him, but you say yourself you get on better with him - and your dd is obviously feeling that even if you try not to show it. You shouldn't be shouting at her OP - you are the adult and you need to stay calm, screaming at a 14 year old is not going to make them listen to you or be more compliant or respectful. You need to be modelling good communication and behaviour and you are not.

Rather than randomly taking her phone she should have had clear rules around it's use from the start - again this is where you've gone wrong, not her. Giving a young teen free access to a smart phone is just asking for disaster and misery. You need to discuss her use of it with her and agree on ways to cut it down - point out that it is not making her happier.

She's told you now she's had a tough year, listen to her with empathy and understanding - even if her problems seem minor to you they obviously aren't to her. She needs lots of love and hugs right now and to feel like she is a priority too. She needs someone to celebrate her even if she's not as academic as your son.

This is a kid crying out for love even if she pushes you away at the same time. 14/15 are probably the most difficult couple of years you have as a child. Why not tidy up her room with her while you have a chat - then encourage her to keep on top of it. Remind her how great it looks when it's tidy and how much more space there is. Work with her rather than against her, she needs you to build the connection.

Thanks and your comments are great. I do those things we tidy room. If we go out I always so I love doing this with you.i did at one point have restrictions on her phone I forgot the password and cannot get I. Or change anything so I cannot redo the restrictions do she has non so the only way is to to survivor her. I feel there’s something bothering her or it may be my son getting the attention I just do t want her to hold things in

Sorry s few spelling mistakes on the last post. I did have restrictions but I forgot the password . So I cannot put them back on . So the only thing for me to do is take the phone if her( not survive her as I put)

14 is a horrible age tbh, peak insecurity and working out who you are. Snapchat and other social media won’t be helping with that.

Oh I didn’t mean all 14 yos are horrible, I meant that many kids struggle with their emotions at 14 - and yes for some that comes out as being horrible externally but not all!

Does she have unrestricted time on her phone as well as unrestricted content?

24/7 access to social media and doom scrolling is bad for anyone. She’s still firmly in the bracket of needing to be looked after and it is entirely appropriate to restrict access to her phone, not to punish her, but to give her space. Lots of girls find the teenage years difficult and yours has a mother who prefers her sibling to deal with too. She sounds basically unhappy and there probably isn’t a single cause for that but less phone and more fun can’t hurt.

school does increase the stomach pain. Over the holidays there have only been 3 occasions she has mentioned her stomach

First and foremost stop yelling at her. It doesn't matter if she yells at you, you are the adult, bite your tongue and respond calmly. If it gets out of control on her behalf just say I can see that you are very upset so we can take a break and talk about this in 15 minutes. You are meant to set an example. Shouting is not a good way to communicate with anyone and by doing it is says, this is how we communicate. I grew up in a house where everyone shouted and I thought it was normal. It isn't.

I completely agree with everything @kim204 says. Teens need rules and boundaries and of course they will kick against them. That means she has a phone on the understanding that you monitor it and you control when she has access to it or she doesn't get the phone. If she argues or sulks then she loses the phone for a set period of time. These are all things you will tell her. Phones definitely need to be handed over at night.

Learn to phrase things differently. Rather than your room is a pigsty more how can I help you keep your room tidy? Does she have enough storage? Does she need a sort out? This gives her agency, she feels like she is making decisions not you.

Talk to her like she is another adult. Talk about your teen years, how you felt. I have talked about my childhood and teen years with my children for years. It helps them to see you as a person and not just a parent, and a person who was also a teen at one point.

In our house we had Family Table Talks so anyone including me could bring something to the table. This was anything from the children asking for a later bedtime, to me asking if people could remember to do X. In schools we do positive language, ask for what you want. The best example is if a child is running we say walk please, not don't run. Her world is about to change anyway with her older brother going off to uni.

I would suggest trying to find something to watch together, preferably a tv series so not a one off film. It might be dire for you but if she loves it it gives you something to talk about and connect over. It also gives you opportunity to talk about the characters, their actions and whether they are nice people etc. Helps them frame what a good friendship looks like or what a really shit one looks like too.