Improving social skills

[Greenwings]

My DD 13 struggles with friendships especially in groups. Her tap teacher told me that sometimes it seems like she’s trying too hard. Has anyone got any ideas how I can gently improve her social skills. I think she’s probably not very confident and over compensates.

Get her involved in a sport she enjoys. It will be massively confidence-boosting and improve her communication skills.

She does a sport to a high level, but it’s an individual sport not a team thing (although obviously others do it too).

Some people aren't good in groups. Does she have good individual friendships? I'd be inclined to nurture those and then, over time, encourage her to expand those - eg to meet up with a few friends for a trip into town or whatever.

You say her tap teacher so it sounds like she enjoys dance? Dance is one of those things where I think the teacher and the school make a juge difference. Our school is incredibly inclusive and friendly and the teachers are very focused on getting all the kids to work together and support each other, so it might be worth exploring other schools. I'd also suggest that she looks at musical theatre/theatre - a lot of that is group work and it can really help to bond them.

I'd try a team sport (even just for fun once a week) also clubs like debating club, theatre perhaps and leadership mentoring/clubs as well.

Drama lessons?

What do mean by overcompensates? My DD clams up in groups she doesn’t know well. So maybe the opposite.

Does she allow people to finish what they’re saying? Does she listen and ask them about what they’re talking about or does she switch the conversation to herself?
These are the things you could focus on.

I think she talks too much. Not necessarily over people but quite eager to join in, not always relevantly

I think probably switching the conversation to something she’s really interested in; which given she does a niche sport it’s hard for others to relate to. Eg if everyone else plays rugby and you’re talking about Padel.

Oh she sounds like me. Sport won't help. Talk to her about active listening. Suggests she asks questions more than she talks about herself. Talk to her about how to hold things in until there is a pause (an actual pause) ok in the conversation.

Thanks! Good idea. I have got her now saying “changing the subject….” to signpost that she knows she's introducing a new topic, not just saying something apparently random. But yes, she needs to “hold it in” - that’s a good description.

When I'm in meetings I have to write down what I want to blurt out. You could try that but it's not so easy in a social scenario "hang on I'm just writing notes" 😂

Ask if her school runs Lamda classes. When she's a bit older, a customer -facing weekend job will help.

Teach her to stay on subject for a few minutes before she changes the subject. She needs to really listen, allow people to finish what they’re saying, ask a question or two then redirect the conversation.
There helpful active listening YouTube videos. Watch them and practise with her.

I know this comes up so much but i have to say this - it's a trait of neurodiversity to not follow social rules in conversation. Does she have other traits/?

One of the things that made me really realise my daughter was autistic was how she would talk about things that were completely irrelevant to the ongoing converrsation - with adults/ with children - with me!

She just lacked any sense that it was boring/ inappropriate/ completely not what everyone was currently talking about. Despite her being v bright and intelligent - and capable of having great and really in depth conversations.

The problem is - and you can be honest about this in a kind way - people will avoid you if you are unable to follow conversational rules. Particularly children! Children are less tolerant than adults and less able to see 'ah this person is struggling I'd better listen anyway to what they want to say' -

No other traits

she's fine on a one to one basis; it’s just in groups where she tries too hard to be interesting/relevant

Insecurity, I think. And definitely not “popular”. No other narcissistic traits.

drama lessons. It’s actually all about listening and team work - not jazz hands. Really recommend.

She seems to be at school with enough non-covert narcissists, that I think I’d spot it! Thanks for the input though. She’s terribly small, which I think adds to her sense of insecurity and trying to make herself heard.

I would not be jumping to narcissism at all. It's a very common trait of ADHD. The trying desperately to fit in with the conversation and as your mind runs ten to the dozen trying to make a suitable comment you inadvertently don't hear what the other person is saying so you blurt out something that was relevant 2 mins ago and now seems like a rude interruption.