Rude Teen

[Auldraver]

DD is 15, nearly 16, and so difficult to live with, rude, back chatting etc. She doesn't want to spend any time with us, barely talks to us, and is horrible to her younger sibling.

I get all that is normal at her age but my issue is we try and do lots for her - support her hobbies, give her lifts, treating her to days out. She shows little thanks and more upsetting, little enthusiasm (to us) for any treats provided for her, although she does post photos on social media so maybe she does enjoy them.

At what point do we stop? Because it seems so thankless! We have two separate events we have bought tickets for her (sporting and theatre), neither of which are cheap and because of the locations, involve overnight stays which add to the expense.

I'm on the verge of selling the tickets, or going with a friend instead. But will that make matters worse? I feel so disconnected to her but feel pulling away from her is the wrong thing to do. Social media makes it worse when I see her friends and contemporaries having amazing experiences with their parents. We don't get a hug or smile from her.

I too have a DD who is 15 and I can relate to everything you said. My DD only speaks to me when she wants something or a lift somewhere. I try and connect every chance I get but get nothing in return. It’s heartbreaking at times but feel it’s my job as a parent to keep going until this phase passes.

In relation to the special days out you planned I would ask your DD if she really wants to go as you noticed she doesn’t seem very enthusiastic about them. If she is keen, take her on the first one and if she is ungrateful then don’t bother with the second event and let her know why. It’s also important to do things just for yourself so she can see your life doesn’t revolve around her and her moods.

Op I really relate to the feeling that other people have 'lovely times' with their teens. My teen is only 13 but jesus he is SO RUDE. Also consequences of any kind just escalate things to an unbearable level of arguing. I'm trying to learn to walk away and not even get involved once he starts talking rudely - but when there is life to be getting on with it's not always easy

We camped with some other families recently and I just felt their teens were so much more polite - they sat with their parents, chatted pleasantly, might have given the odd eye roll (and when camping you do see a lot of family life! arguments over washing up/ helping out etc/ how families live together)

My teen just walks off, might eat with us might not.

Are the events things she wants to do? It's such a tricky balance isn't it of not wanting to reward rudeness or ingratitude.

If she is posting on SM she probably is enjoying it secretly. My son does the same.

I think modern teens (my own included) get away with too much to be honest.

sadly I don't know the answr I think you are entitled to set a boundary even if in the short term it makes her more grumpy - at least she learns it's not okay.

Heartbreaking is the word by the way . I find it genuinely sad and depressing living with a teen who is so rude and constantly wonder where I went wrong in parenting.

The struggle is that whenever we set a boundary - it becomes explosive and there are tears on all sides. Just so hard to find a way to calm rreasonable conversation.

It’s probably just a phase. Sit her down and say you’d like the relationship to be better and ask how she thinks this could be done.

Stop the treats, you are rewarding appalling behaviour. TBH I don't think that this behaviour is normal.

The least helpful advice ever given on mumsnet (and I see it a lot on teen boards ) is the words 'this is not normal'. okay thanks for that random commentator, I think the OP knows that - that's why she is posting in distress.

14, old enough to know the words ‘please’ and ‘thank you.’

There is no way I would be taking my teen DD to special events if they behaved like this. I would ask if she wanted to go and if she does tell her she needs to be more pleasant on these trips otherwise the trips will stop. Give her the opportunity to buck up her ideas - it is her choice.