Advice please - teen dd spiralling down

[SilenceNotGolden]

Dd 15 has been getting stroppier recently but since summer holidays started it has become ludicrous. She is in her room all day, answers back or simply doesn’t reply at all. Gets irate when dh or I tell her off for being rude. Her room is a tip, she refuses to help out at home or will do half a job slowly, sullenly and badly and then walks off and throws a hissy fit when called back to finish it. She is only ever nice when she wants something, that is the truth. She has stopped communicating with most of her friends (who are away on holiday all summer); she is watching her phone or screen all the time (nothing bad, we have strict filters and I check her history).

I have a short-term medical problem which means I cannot drive and we have had to cancel our holiday at the end of August. She was very much looking forward to it. I wonder if the cancellation has made her “hate me” - she has barely spoken to me since I came home from hospital, hasn’t asked how I’m feeling. DD friend came over today and she switched on her previous lovely self - all giggles and conversation and fun. It didn’t last.

I have apologised to her several times about the sudden change of holiday plan and acknowledged the disappointment; I offered to organise other activities (she likes watersports and can do that nearby) but she says she doesn’t care either way and don’t bother. I have sent her WhatsApp messages to which she doesn’t reply. I have offered to watch a film with her, to play chess and to help her with a project she’s working on - just ignores me. She used to be better with me than her dad but now it’s as if she actually hates me.

If the wind changes will she be stuck in bitch mode forever? I want my dd back, at least sometimes. Where has she gone to?

I’ve been here before at times with my daughter who was 14. I sat down with her and said how hurt I was with her behaviour towards me, how every time I asked to spend time with her she told me she needed alone time. I literally cried whilst speaking to her and I think she could then see how hurtful her actions had been. Try having a honest conversation and talk about how it’s making u feel, why is she acting this way towards u, how u would like ur relationship to be etc. I wish u luck. Teenage year truly suck

Thanks. I’ll try it @Mumontheedge1249

Teens are hardwired to be selfish - it’s a natural part of the process of them mentally detaching from you + flying the nest. To be honest OP I think that your medical condition/holiday cancellation probably has a lot to do with it and I can see from a teen’s perspective why she’s upset. I had to go through multiple surgeries when DD was around that age and she absolutely resented me for it. No sympathy and saw me as an inconvenience since I was suddenly unable to drive her around to her social plans or do regular ‘mum’ things that they take for granted like cooking, laundry etc.

Life got much easier as she got older and matured. It was almost like somebody flipped a switch when she turned 16 and she was no longer her stroppy, angry, entitled self. She’s 21 now and we’ve rarely argued since, our relationship on a whole is very positive and she genuinely enjoys spending quality time with me.

Unfortunately I think this is pretty normal. My 14yr old can be truly vile atm, From what I have learnt confrontation and shouting gets you nowhere as it leads to a competition in who can shout the loudest. Better to pick your battles and wait to speak to them when you are both calmer. Talking to my son normally means a walk in to town as he’s much better when he’s doing something rather than him sat in front of me whilst lecturing him.
With the holiday cancellation, is there nothing else you could do like take the train to get somewhere? Even if it’s for a couple of days?

Thanks for the comments. Ok, I actually feel better - somehow I just thought my “naturally wonderful parenting” would help us skim through the teen years 😝 I wasn’t prepared for how hurt I would feel during the full-on “I hate you” phase.

I wish my mum was alive so I could apologise for what a cow I must have been at times.

The holiday is a total wipe-out because I can’t leave the house for four weeks. And yes, I do expect her to be bummed that instead of mum running around making everything perfect and then whisking her away for a fun holiday, now she finds herself at a loose end with lots of extra chores to do.

However before you feel too sorry for dd we had a two week break at Easter which was her dream holiday. This one was just icing on the cake.

I will just keep hoping she thaws out. She can’t stay mad at me forever I assume.

I don’t think it really matters how good your parenting is most teens go through a stage like this at some point,

my two did.

i was a secondary teacher for many years and it’s really really common it’s just a case of when really.

they do come back.

Bring her to doctor make sure she doesn't have under lining anxiety or depression.My beautiful son was same ...two years later. Clinical depression was diagnosed.Starts in early teens.On meds now . completely different person . Best of luck