Worried my DS14 is being taken advantage of by boy16

[babychicks]

Sorry if this is long I dont always know how to get the words right I’m autistic myself so sometimes I dont know if I’m over thinking or not.

My DS is 14 he is 15 in September. He’s autistic as well. In year 7 he was in a little group at school that met once a week to play board games and do talking stuff to help with confidence and social things. There was a boy there I will call him J. He’s about 2 years older than DS. J is 16 now and will be 17 in November.

Back then they got on and I thought it was nice he had a friend a bit older. But about a year later J got permanently excluded from school because he really badly assaulted a boy. DS said it was after football or something and the boy fell and broke his arm because of how he landed. J was sent to a PRU after that. I felt a bit uneasy but I still let him come over sometimes because I knew DS was here and safe. J would say the PRU was shit and he didn’t bother going and his mum didn’t care.

Fast forward to March this year DS met him after school and DS said J was in a bad mood and knocked DS phone out his hands and it smashed. DS said it was on purpose but J told him after he didn’t mean to. Next day J came over all apologetic and begged DS to still be his friend. DS agreed.

Since then it’s like J has got a tighter grip on DS. DS suddenly started saying J is his boyfriend. I have no issue at all with DS being gay if he is but I didn’t know before this. J wants to come over a lot and I’ve not felt like I can say no because DS gets upset. He eats tea here most nights and plays games.

The last couple of months DS has been taking money from me and I think J has told him to. DS says no but I just have a feeling. I didn’t think they were actually in a relationship but last night DS came home with love bites and when I asked he said they were just messing about. He also told me they were going to the cinema but I found out they actually went to J’s house which makes me feel weird about it. I know J smokes weed and DS has come home smelling funny a couple of times.

Other things I’ve noticed J will tell DS not to tell me stuff or say things like his mum doesn’t care what he does so why should I. Once I heard him say to DS that if he really loved him he would prove it.

I just don’t know if this is normal teenage friendship stuff or if DS is being taken advantage of and I’m scared of making a scene if it’s just nothing but it doesn’t feel right.

Oh for goodness sake. Step up. Your poor son.

Not helpful.

No, OP, this is very concerning. Your ds may or may not be gay - as you say, that doesn't matter. Regardless, this relationship doesn't sound like a healthy one and you are right to be concerned.

I hope it is helpful.
At least one random is horrified. You really do need to step up. Why are you so uncertain when it’s obvious that your son is being groomed and controlled. Why would you have facilitated the friendship let alone a relationship.

No OP none of that is Ok. He’s encouraging your son to lie to you, to do sexual things with him (which if it goes beyond love bits to actual sexual acts is illegal due to their ages), to steal money and to do drugs or be around drugs at least. Not OK.

Whether DS is gay or not is up to him but with the surrounding pressures from J I’d not be happy with them being around each other. I’d also get DS into therapy stat.

I posted looking for advice. i thought mn was supposed to be helpful.

It is very helpful - you just don't want to hear it because it will be hard, and you probably feel guilty for not having done so already.

That's natural, but please put it aside and act. You'll need to think carefully about how you do so and you'll probably need some external help - private help is going to be easier to access.

It doesn't matter whether he's gay or not - what matters is what matters if your DS was a DD and going out with a boy who was exterting coercive control, as this boy is.

I understand

I hope someone on here is in a position to give advice for you

It sounds a worry

This is not a healthy relationship. J is being controlling and manipulative and is encouraging your son to steal from you and lie to you. I would not be letting J into my house again and would be stopping DS from seeing him. You need to support your son in forming new and healthy relationships with other people.

Good grief OP

I would have nipped this in the bed right from the moment J assaulted that boy and broke his arm.

Your son is young enough to have rules, this is escalating and will only get worse if you don't step up

@babychicks

please trust me, put a stop to this now.

We went through this with my god son, it led to years of drama & trouble. Deal with DS's upset now while it's still controllable. It gets much harder as time passes.

J is violent. He broke someone's arm. He broke your son's phone.
J uses drugs. He is getting your son into drugs.
J is coercing your son into sex and secrets. Your son is underage. So this is a crime.
You need to stop J damaging your son.
If you need support, ask the police or ask your son's teachers for advice on how best to do this.

I agree with @Loubylie and also your son's teachers can perhaps give some context - they won't be able to tell you much but may help you to get the truth in some areas.

Contact your sons school @babychicks when they go back, ask to speak to his head of year and the DSL - tell them everything in as much detail as possible. They'll get DS some help, whether that be counselling and support for social situations. Then they contact other services about J, likely SS, his PRU, etc. That's the best course of action. Make sure you email/inquire as soon as they go back and keep DS away from J for the rest of the summer as much as possible. He may not want to talk about it with you too much, so don't push. I wouldn't get the police involved, they likely won't investigate anything anyways and also J seems vulnerable and in need of his own support which DSL and SS are much better placed to give. Unless something serious happens with an attack, I don't think police are needed.

I would consider talking to your DS’s school as they will consider it a safeguarding issue and will have contacts to give you and him support. Schools might be closed to pupils but staff will still be there and the staff member responsible for safeguarding can be reached.
Your son is deemed vulnerable (as is the other boy who is not yet an adult but sounds like he has his own issues which may include neurodivergence) and needs support from you (is dad on the scene?) to navigate this.
You may have a local parents group for autistic children - https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/branches
This may also be of help: https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/children-and-young-adults/advice-for-parents/cope-with-your-teenager/

I agree -
protect your son, what else are you expecting people to say ??

Sounds like he’s groomed your son in plain sight.

God you need to actually DO SOMETHING

Wow some of these replies are rude. This lady has come on here for support and guidance, and the way she has been spoke to by some of u is terrible. Have some humanity.
anyway, it does sound like he is being taken advantage of, and J sounds a bit controlling too. Have u spoken to ur son about it? His reaction to u asking may tell u more aswell

You definitely need to intervene x

Your son is clearly being manipulated. He might not even be gay but is complying with J's wishes. He needs your protection NOW. J should not be welcome into your house since he has been aggressive and he's turning your DS into a thief and possibly a pothead. You really need to stop this sick relationship, explain why to your DS and then don't give in to his tantrums. He needs you to protect him from J because he's not able to himself.

Good advice above - get in touch with his school asap once term restarts. Does your DS understand the repercussions of being involved in illegal activity? This might be a good way in.

Is there any chance you could take him away for a couple of weeks till term starts?
Do you have access to his online activity?