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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Am I too protective?

7 replies

lavenderjune · 03/08/2025 00:24

Dd is going into year 11 and Is15. She has started going to parties and I know she has had a few drinks which worries me. I don’t supply any alcohol for her to take and constantly talk about the dangers of drinking too much. I have always insisted that she comes home at the end rather staying at friends so I can make sure she is ok. Tonight she asked if she could go to a friends for a sleepover. I agreed but got a bit suspicious when I noticed she had turned her location off. I managed to work out that she was near by at a local beauty spot by talking to her friends parents with about 30 other teens. I called her at 10:30 and she answered and said she was doing baking at home. She then spotted me. She had been drinking and was a little slurry. I insisted that I she had to come home. I feel like she is way to young to br drinking and don’t feel I can trust her anymore.

OP posts:
AmyFl · 03/08/2025 00:28

I was all ready when I saw your title to say that you were being overprotective. However at 15 I think you did exactly the right thing, it's young to be out drinking.

TheLivelyViper · 03/08/2025 01:33

You need to give her more freedom. She will only get more sneaky and do things behind your back if she feels that your restricting her. Obviously you need to keep her safe but at 15 it needs to be more of a two-way street on boundaries, so you need to give her trust and pull back when she needs more guidance. If you completely ban drinking she'll do it anyways, if you have a sensible conversation about the risks and benefits and say she can only have x amount it's more likely she'll listen because it's fair. There's nothing wrong with a little bit of drinking at 15 (in fact having some at dinner or showing her moderation can be good). Many people I know at 15 were drinking a heavy amount because it was so restricted and doing drugs and many other things. Another thing would be letting her have sleepovers with people you know and if she does well, then giving her more freedom. If you want her to come to you when things happen then you need to trust her. You should want her to think, "Oh shit this happened, I need to go to Mum to see what I should do because she won't judge me but she'll be understanding". Not how do I make sure mum doesn't find out, it will reduce a lot of pain in the future.

She's 15. If you cannot have reasonable and educational conversations to explain your reasoning then she won't care. Like with sex - the number of parents who have one conversation that goes like don't get pregnant and about nothing else but say they've done the talk is baffling. So then so many young people don't know where to get info and find misinformation or dangerous content, when there's not just 1 sex talk but dozens of things like porn and sexting and different types of sex and different types of contraception and what makes up consent, contraception and pleasure. The parents who have these regular chats treat their children with respect and like adults by giving them privacy, not going to see where she is on a sleepover (which I would say is an invasion of privacy, that you should only do if you think something quite dangerous is happening). You should have called first and see what she said and texted, then maybe contact the parent whose house she's at. It would have to be a major thing for you to go find her, trust her first by calling and asking. Then she feels less controlled and more respected and then she's more likely to listen and come to you, rather than just be sneaky. I can see the signs of this based on the fact she wants to turn of her location, likely cause she feels you are always watching and controlling her and see wants some freedom. I'd have a good conversation with her (regular check-ins) as she gets older about what she also thinks is reasonable and fair and then she feels that she's not being controlled but that she's involved. You have to let her do teenage things, whether that be going to a concert (with people you trust, she has to be back by x) if that goes well then you try something else and so on and so on. Even if she messes up, you don't completely stop her from doing it again, you talk about it, the peer pressure, her reasons, you educate her on why x is a bad choice. Then you let her try again etc, it's better she does this in the next few years whilst you can still help and guide her then you don't let her and when she's goes to uni or moves out she goes wild. Or even starts to go wild now, and in school and do things behind your back and perhaps get into dangerous situations.

Also have these conversations and boundaries, it's only fair she knows them and you need to let go quite a bit. That's what good parenting is, giving them independence and freedom (with the caveat that you are there and can guide them and give more help when needed) otherwise most of the time they pull away from you and that is not what you want. It's hard for parents to treat their children more like adults and also to let them have more independence because you love them and want them to be safe, but in my opinion, if done well in the long-run it will make for a good trusting relationship.

babytum · 03/08/2025 01:38

No you aren’t too protective. She lied and wasnt where she was supposed to be.
Trust is earned and trust allows freedom.
Now she must earn that trust back.
She’s only 15, big learning curve for her. Shes doing what a lot of teens do but got nicely caught out.

TheLivelyViper · 03/08/2025 01:48

I doubt they planned that from the start, they likely were at her house and then spontaneously decided to go out. Not saying she didn't make a bad choice but saying that how you deal with it could make or break how much she's open with you. It's very rare that banning something won't lead to a teen being intrigued and trying it behind your back. I'd rather they try it with me in moderation then at parties etc with people who mat encourage lots of drinking. She'll she others doing it, she'll want to do it. It's better even if you don't drink maybe let her a bit at dinner and things. I'm telling you from 1st year uni the kids who were banned from alcohol were the ones who went wild with drinking and other things because it was their first taste of freedom and they'd been waiting a while. Or during 6th form and y11 they were sneaking off doing much worse things. Not saying she's shouldn't be punished either but I wouldn't make it a harsh punishment, I'd try to be understanding about why she did it and be curious about her reasons rather than a lecture. Most people do drink alcohol and have good relationships with drinking in a sensible way. You may not drink, but she may as an adult, so maybe be a bit more loose on it because she will know people drink and so be a bit more loose on the fact that you don't drink but that doesn't mean that she (as she gets older and becomes an adult) doesn't have to also not drink because she can make her own choices.

PickingFruit · 26/08/2025 23:23

We let our kids 17 & 15 have parties where we stay in the kitchen and sort the food. This way they get their freedom and we can keep an eye on who they’re hanging out with.

ByGreyWriter · 27/08/2025 02:19

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

JazbayGrapes · 27/08/2025 18:41

Getting pished with mates is a rite of passage. Instead of getting mad, you need to make some sort of arrangement, that when she goes to a party and has some drinks, you will come and collect her, instead of her walking home by herself and falling in a river or something

While 15 is officially "too young", it will be "too old" if she goes off to uni never being drunk before. Outright dangerous

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