Getting home late

[AngelsWithSilverWings]

I need advice on this as it's a new thing we are dealing with. It's long sorry.

DD just turned 17 and has a new BF who is a year older and drives. He lives in the next town over ( 15 min drive max)

She has never invited him to our home even though we would make him feel welcome. She spends all of her time at his house and he drives her home ( we offer to pick her up but she refuses)

We initially asked that she be home by 11 but she has started ignoring that request since the school holidays started. My DH has to get up early for work as does my DS and her lateness getting home is disturbing our sleep.

We talked and agreed to 11:30
as it's school holidays. We asked that she respect that time and if she does we would be prepared to agree to later times if she shows consideration when she gets home and doesn't wake the house up.

This is not going well.

On Sunday evening she wasn't home at 11:30 so we text her and she said she was on her way but had forgotten her door key. She got home at 1am. DH had to wait up.

She apologised and promised to do better.

The following night she didn't come home at all. I woke up to a text that she sent at 2am telling me she fell asleep and would be staying over. ( we had not given permission for this )

She promised she would be home by 10am because there was some medical admin we needed to do ( she has a long term health condition) but she didn't get home until lunchtime and only then because I drove to BF house and demanded she come home after she spent the morning ignoring my messages.

We talked and she once again ageeed to respect our boundaries.

Last night I was driving home after an evening out and was passing by her BF house at 10:45 so called and said I'd pick her up. She refused but promised to be home at 11:30.

She got in at 2am and woke me up. She then disturbed me again at 3an by walking around the landing playing tic tok videos loudly on her phone and switching lights on.

I got up and told her she was out of order. This morning there has been no apology , just rudeness.

I just don't know what consequences to put in place .she has mental health issues ( being managed and medicated) and self harms on top of her physical health issue.

Apart from this she is good , attends college 100% despite health issues and has had a part time/weekend job she has held down for a year now.

Hm I think this is a really tricky one OP at the age she is - on one hand she will be an adult in a year and it sounds like she is happier and generally doing well? On the other she is living with you all and needs to show consideration especially around other family members having to get up early.

I think communication is the key here from both sides. I’m not sure punishment would work particularly well.

OP,
I have a DD just turned 18 and we are facing similar issues with new bf and being at his all the time.
I have made a lot of mistakes and learnt quite a bit about this phase in our lives.
You cannot force or nag her too much about the time she spends there. It's great you offer to host him. Be patient and maybe she will feel comfortable to bring him over.
I would be more lenient about the timings or if she stays over. Keep repeating that she needs to pick a time and stick to it rather than you setting a time and then texting her about it.
Absolutely don't do things like calling her offering a pickup when you are driving past bf's house. They hate these things. My DD won't even answer the phone when she is there or look at any messages. It is hurtful yes I agree.
However, I would be very firm about her disturbing your sleep watching tiktok videos at 3.00 am. That is complete disrespect. Again, at this age consequences don't work but maybe you can offer to withdraw services such as lifts, cooking for her etc.
It's completely ok to have boundaries like letting you know if she is staying there, if she is coming home, what time and will she need dinner etc.
First relationships can be quite intense I am finding out and it's really tricky to navigate.
I find being too strict just pushes DD more to her bf's house.
Xx

I would loosen the rein at 17 tbh. New rules needed. You are trying to exert an unnecessary level of control. It’s done for her to be out late or stay over but she cannot be making noise and waking you up when she comes in late.

Your expectations sound reasonable IMO & boundaries are important to agree on as she is living in your home. As RainyDayCoffee has suggested withdraw services if these are not kept.

Thanks all for the replies.

She messaged me yesterday with an apology and opened up that she has been struggling again with self harm thoughts and being with her boyfriend means she can't self harm so she stays out later because she knows if she comes in early she will be tempted to hurt herself.

She is adopted and recently found out her birth mother died when she was 6 but no one informed us. Her birth sister (who is older and was adopted by another family) has also told her she plans to emigrate to her boyfriend's home country in next year or so and DD is struggling with that too.

We have sat down and chatted and I've said I won't be setting home times anymore but she needs to be considerate by letting us know when she is coming home and if she is staying out. Have also told her she needs to try really hard to be quiet when she does come in. There is also the issue of her medication which she often forgets to take if she comes home late. We need to work that out and maybe change her medication schedule.

Glad you have had a good discussion. I am very sorry to hear about your DD's past and that is such a hard thing for her to learn and cope.
Well done to you for being such a kind mother to her and supporting her.
I very much get what she is saying about her thoughts on SH are greatly reduced when with her bf.
My DD also has history of self harm and suicidal ideation and has acted on them in the past.
When she is home she is very much rotting away in bed and doesn't engage with us. She has just grown out of family time and doesn't enjoy it.
She would come to certain family activities if she likes them but not all.
However, when she is at her bf's I suspect she is very different. She doesn't share much about what she does when she is there but she has said they even walk his dog regularly. I am getting snippets of her life there and slowly understanding why she is there more. Home reminds me of unpleasant things that have happened in the past and she possibly gets a respite from negative thoughts there.
I also understand your worry about medication. DD is also on a cocktail of drugs and we have slowly learnt to dispense the medication in a pill box and give her the dose she needs when she is away.
Of course this means she will need to tell us how long she is staying and be back when she runs out of meds.
It's a learning curve and past few months have been very stressful but we are bumping along.

Would you DD be open to some counselling for dealing with news about birth mum and sister?
It may help her.
Xx

@RainyDayCoffee thanks you - it sounds like your DD and mine are very similar.

She is already having regular therapy sessions to go with her anti depressants and I have contacted post adoption services to get some specific support with regards to all of that but they are proving to be completely useless so far. I've been waiting a month so far for a case worker to be assigned to her. I chased them up yesterday and told them her mental health is declining while she processes all of this on her own and we really do need some help.