How do you manage teens out late?

L0VECATS · 2025-07-29T07:43:42+00:00

My dd (nearly 17) has been going out most nights. She usually gets back by 12:30 but sometimes it’s 2am. I ask for a time before she goes and she usually says midnight but then from midnight I’m texting once an hour saying ‘what is the plan?’ How are you getting back?’ ‘Where are you?’ Etc. I don’t want to hassle her but I need to know what she’s doing and when she’s back and I can’t stay up until 2:30 because I have to work the next day. Do others just go to bed and hope they get home? Just to add some context, she has only just started doing this as she has been in hospital for the last 8 months and before that was ill and didn’t go out at all. I am obviously keen for her to have a social life and friends but also a bit clueless as to how to manage this better. she does not come home drunk or anything.

TheaBrandt1 · 29/07/2025 08:45

We just go to sleep. Dd since 18 works in a restaurant and sometimes goes out afterwards on weeknights. We’d be dead if we waited up for her. We live in a safe city and pay for Ubers if the bus doesn’t work out

Octavia64 · 29/07/2025 08:48

Yes, you just go to bed.

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 29/07/2025 08:51

I'd go to bed. But I repeatedly made it clear that if her night out went bad and she needed rescuing to call me and I'll come and pick her up with no judgement.

I'd have my phone next to my bed with the ring volume turned up. She only ended up calling me once when one of her friends got very drunk and it all got messy. But her knowing that if she needed help she could get it reassured both her and me.

Peachhearttree · 29/07/2025 10:28

So not of you will put a curfew until they are 18?

MageQueen · 29/07/2025 10:31

DS' is younger so we're not there yet, but to me it seems pretty obvious - you have an agreed time for her to be home. If she's not home by that time, and hasn't given you a reason in advance, there are consequences. Yes, she's 17, but it's perfectly reasonable to have expectations.

TheaBrandt1 · 29/07/2025 10:53

Mage it doesn’t surprise me when you say your child is younger !

lalalalalady · 29/07/2025 10:57

Do you have an iPhone? I think you can put do not disturb except for her and have her ring you if she needs to.

ByGreyWriter · 29/07/2025 13:43

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TheaBrandt1 · 29/07/2025 13:50

Yes she is moving to the late teen phase at 18 she will be a legal adult and that’s not far off. The days of curfews and shouting are behind you. She needs to be respectful but should be broadly left to manage her own life.

Original poster

L0VECATS · 29/07/2025 13:53

Okay we’ve had a chat and I’ve said I’ll leave the hall light on and I’ll set myself an alarm for 2am. Just to check the light is off. Then I’ll leave my phone on so she can call if needed.
I’m glad to hear people are telling me to relax about it. It’s hard because I feel like she’s missed out on a lot with being ill and perhaps diving in at the deep end but I’m glad she’s out really

OP posts:

Eastendboysandwestendgirls · 29/07/2025 13:54

I ask DD to text me when she's in so if I wake up in the night I know she's home at least. We have a family Uber account so if she's getting a taxi I know when she's on her way.

DiscoBob · 29/07/2025 13:59

But why do you need to know exactly what she's doing? And of course you shouldn't stay up waiting for her.
You know she's with friends and if anything bad happened you'd hear about it. As long as she or mates have a phone.

It's not like she's just totally blanking you. But surely being out late with your friends if you've not got work or college the next day as just par for the course.

When I (and you presumably) were teens nobody had the ability to know your exact whereabouts or movements and nobody hardly had mobile phones. The world didn't stop turning and we all survived.

gingercat02 · 29/07/2025 14:05

DS was 17 yesterday he is generally home by 11-11:30pm weekends and holidays. School nights its meant to be before 11.
They are at someone's house as they aren't old enough to be in pubs etc.
One of us usually waits up, just to make sure he is home safe. He always messages if he is going to be later
None of them are drinkers thankfully, just the odd can or 2

Fasterthan40 · 29/07/2025 16:50

I think it was Anya Hindmarch who had the genius hack that she set an alarm outside her bedroom at 2am or whatever. The child had to be home and switch it off before it woke her. If she was woken by the alamr she would assume there was a problem. If no alarm then she would keep on sleeping soundly. That said I have a nearly 16yo who loses everything so she doesn’t yet have a key and we have to stay up. Not sure what we can do to fix that. Do have a key safe but she would likely leave that wide open u locked post key retrieval which would give away lock code…

mumonthehill · 29/07/2025 16:58

We had a when can we worry time. So if going out to a club ds would say 2am and then I could text. He never ever came home after worry time. You just have to trust them to be responsible and they have to trust you not to be bugging them as to when they will be home.

Spacecowboys · 29/07/2025 17:00

I go to bed. Haven't set a curfew as dc only started having late nights once he had finished his GCSE's. If he was staying out until stupid times on a 'school' night ( he's in sixth form), I'd have words. But he doesn't do that.

Ineffable23 · 29/07/2025 17:10

Fasterthan40 · 29/07/2025 16:50

I think it was Anya Hindmarch who had the genius hack that she set an alarm outside her bedroom at 2am or whatever. The child had to be home and switch it off before it woke her. If she was woken by the alamr she would assume there was a problem. If no alarm then she would keep on sleeping soundly. That said I have a nearly 16yo who loses everything so she doesn’t yet have a key and we have to stay up. Not sure what we can do to fix that. Do have a key safe but she would likely leave that wide open u locked post key retrieval which would give away lock code…

That's a great idea - old fashioned alarm clock and hopefully the prospect of waking you up like that is a great incentive to be home on time. I would have known my mum would have been super mad if she'd been woken up by an alarm in the middle of the night.

Bbq1 · 29/07/2025 17:25

My ds is 19. It's taken me a couple of years to be able to fully relax when he's out. He, doesn't drink though and is good at keeping in touch. If he's local at a mates house he can be in anywhere between 2-4 am. I can sleep those nights because he's so local and I check he's in bed when I nip to the bathroom. When he's in our local city, I don't sleep properly until he's home I hear the taxi outside and I can relax.

Bbq1 · 29/07/2025 17:26

Bbq1 · 29/07/2025 17:25

My ds is 19. It's taken me a couple of years to be able to fully relax when he's out. He, doesn't drink though and is good at keeping in touch. If he's local at a mates house he can be in anywhere between 2-4 am. I can sleep those nights because he's so local and I check he's in bed when I nip to the bathroom. When he's in our local city, I don't sleep properly until he's home I hear the taxi outside and I can relax.

We also have a key safe

LynetteScavo · 29/07/2025 17:41

Like hell would I go to bed and let a 16yo stay out as late as they liked! I’d definitely want them home by midnight so I could wait up for them. If it was a special occasion I’d be Ok with them staying out later. I wouldn’t consider going to bed and not worrying until they were 18. I was very grumpy with DS when he stayed out all night when he was nearly 18. I was legally responsible for him; I needed to know he was safe.

Last weekend I woke up at 4am and realised my 20yo wasn’t home and went out to bring her home. A 16yo wandering around at 2am doesn’t sit well with me.

Peachhearttree · 29/07/2025 18:53

LynetteScavo · 29/07/2025 17:41

Like hell would I go to bed and let a 16yo stay out as late as they liked! I’d definitely want them home by midnight so I could wait up for them. If it was a special occasion I’d be Ok with them staying out later. I wouldn’t consider going to bed and not worrying until they were 18. I was very grumpy with DS when he stayed out all night when he was nearly 18. I was legally responsible for him; I needed to know he was safe.

Last weekend I woke up at 4am and realised my 20yo wasn’t home and went out to bring her home. A 16yo wandering around at 2am doesn’t sit well with me.

I would probably do similar, would like them home by midnight until they are 18, unless they are sleeping at friends or rare occasion like concert, etc.