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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

results day n birthday on same day… how do i make it ok if it’s bad news

42 replies

TiredButTryin5x · 28/07/2025 18:52

feel sick thinking bout it tbh.
ds1’s results day is also his birthday (21 aug) n it’s meant to be a big one – 16 n all that.

but what if he fails?? he thinks he’s got 4s n 5s but idk what that even means. i only just learnt how to log into the portal cos ppl on here helped me. 🙈

he’s not been great lately. not sleeping right. xbox all night. won’t eat dinner with us. proper withdrawn. i ask if he’s ok n he shrugs or says “i’m fine” but it don’t feel fine.

he’s meant to start college but he keeps saying “if i even get in.”

i wanna make the day special but we’re skint n i’m scared if results go bad he’ll shut down fully. no dad. no money. no idea how to help.

has anyone been through this? how do u make it ok if it’s not ok?

i don’t want him to feel like a failure. he’s not. he’s really not. 😢

any advice would help 💙

OP posts:
FancyCatSlave · 29/07/2025 00:28

TheLivelyViper · 28/07/2025 23:35

There's a reason why the DfE and league tables look at how many students get a grade 9-4 and 9-5 - those are the marks of success because they are Level 2 passes. That's why one of the metrics of judging a school's success is looking at how many students get 9-4 and even better 9-5, schools that get more schools students this are regarded as better. Obviously it's not the only mark of success but it's a key one. Just like at A-level Grade D, E are technically passes but nobody considered them as such (employers, teachers, universities) don't see Grade D or E or F as a pass, because they are so low. It's the same with any Grade lower than a 4 (employers, schools, general public, universities when they ask for GCSEs) consider them fails because it means you cannot reach the expected basic level of the qualification.

And having done the most current GCSEs @clary (of 9-4) yes they it's hard to get 9s and 8s and 7s and 6s, but to he frank, the level of knowledge and skill you need to know to get a 4 is very basic and no not very difficult is why most children can get it in Y9. Yes the nature of exams is that some students every year will get Grade 3s, 2s, 1s and U's (some those students start 'revising' the week before, many of them don't do any homework for 2 years. Some of them try really hard which I acknowledge - many of them are failed by the school system, lack of SEND support, being young carers or not having good support if they're in care - and that does need to be acknowledged and there needs to be much more support for them. But some of them genuinely don't bother for 2 years and most of the time they recognise that on results day, retake the year after and most of the time do much better (and that's okay, they learn just by that experience and sometimes it takes people longer to do things). But if they get that across many subjects it's better they retake a few and focus on learning that content as it will likely make most college courses quite difficult.

Edited

Universities absolutely do take D’s and E’s at A Level.

The uni I work at is so desperate for students we dropped to DEE in clearing on many programmes last year.

TheLivelyViper · 29/07/2025 01:01

clary · 29/07/2025 00:17

I’ve just read properly @TheLivelyViper and I see that you took your GCSEs under the current spec – so you are at most 23yo. Pretty young which excuses your lack of empathy. You clearly found the exams accessible, perhaps easy; but you should realise that a grade 4 is quite quite out of reach for some YP – and no it’s not bc they didn’t revise in year 11. Gaining a 4 in Eng lang or maths is beyond their ability. I was a secondary teacher for many years and have seen a significant number of students for whom that was true. This is IMHO an argument for a greater range of qualifications to be offered in schools.

You’re wrong about unis too. My DD went to a well-regarded uni through clearing with grades of BCC; the following year her course was in clearing at CDD.

I just randomly searched up English BA at Nottingham Trent, a pretty respected lower-tier uni, and it’s on offer through clearing for CDD; or you could do accounting and finance at Sheffield Hallam with DDD. So clearly plenty of uni spaces are available to students gaining lower A level grades. Maybe they are not ideal uni candidates if that is a representation of their ability level; but that’s another discussion.

No actually I worked really hard, I didn't find them easy, and I spend hours and hours revising. I come from a very difficult home background and others things, I went through a lot. But I worked incredibly hard and among other things had teachers that told be to work harder, to be better rather than just accepting a low grade. Also don't patronise me because of my age, I have lots of empathy, if you read what I said about people being failed (most of those kids are like me, who I think deserve way more support and they'd actually be able to reach their potential). I don't think its their fault they failed, I have seen how the system fails them and me, facing blatent racism from teachers amd my headteacer who wanted to expel me (after she was racist to me), facing a MH system that penalises Black people and the expectations of a 'strong Black women' that meant my maths teacher felt okay leaving me with the boys who talked about how they wanted to rape girls and rape me - because only I was strong enougu to sit with them, facing a horrible SS system that failed me, facing living in houses infested with cockroaches as its the best we could afford, and much else that I don't want to share. T

he people who failed 'without trying' (not those kids who were failed but often worked much harder) were often the ones with tutors and privilege because they said they'll just get a job with their dad and didn't care - because they have the privilege to not care, I didn’t because it was and is the only way I had a chance at a better life. I worked incredibly hard and got 3 GCSEs that were some of the highest in the country. At the start of Y11 I was getting a 5 or 6 (just) in GCSE English Lit in the end I got 156/160 for both papers, one the best grades in the country.

For History GCSE, I had one of my closest teachers die during the year, I wrote myself off as never being able to get higher than a 6, I only lost 11 marks in my whole GCSE History and for R.E I also only lost 9 marks and did very well in GCSE Sociology with a 9 mostly down to an incredible teacher who forced me to do better, gave me JSTOR reading and univeristy theory. Rather than just saying try your best and whatever that is, is fine. I also have done lots of work in youth policy and advocacy, I have worked for a number of years with exam boards, policy makers in education (around dealing with the challenges young people face which stop them from doing as well), I have done since Y10 my whole PSHE and workshops in schools off my own back - on violence against women and girls, consent, racism in the modern world, women's history month, Black history minth, sex education, helped my 6th form write a whole new Harmful Sexual Behaviour policy, did menstrual health workshops in schools. I didn't find exams accessible easier (due to an invisble disability - for which since 13 I have navigated the healthcare system, meds etc by myself), as do many girls (and I have done lots of work around the challenges for diagnosis and acess arrangements for SEND for young girls especially BAME girls who are adultified). I have done lots of work in education, exams, government policy, and I have worked, created many campaigns with tons of empathy on a whole range of issues - exclusion policy, hair policies in schools which discriminate against Black students, creating a new inclusive curriculum that focuses on representation (helping exam boards change parts of their specifications and schools change KS3 curriculum), doing training for teachers on misogyny, racism, unconscious bias, adultifcaiton.

I also agree that there should be more range of qualifications other than GCSEs and have worked with exam boards to create these actually. But the reality of the current situation is that there are only GCSEs now, it doesn't mean there shouldn't be much more on offer including vocational, more choice etc. Like I said I have worked on the creation of some of these plans for new qualifications as well as more accessible GCSEs. As said in an earlier post "Some of them try really hard which I acknowledge - many of them are failed by the school system, lack of SEND support, being young carers or not having good support if they're in care - and there needs to much more support for them".

TheLivelyViper · 29/07/2025 01:12

TheLivelyViper · 29/07/2025 01:01

No actually I worked really hard, I didn't find them easy, and I spend hours and hours revising. I come from a very difficult home background and others things, I went through a lot. But I worked incredibly hard and among other things had teachers that told be to work harder, to be better rather than just accepting a low grade. Also don't patronise me because of my age, I have lots of empathy, if you read what I said about people being failed (most of those kids are like me, who I think deserve way more support and they'd actually be able to reach their potential). I don't think its their fault they failed, I have seen how the system fails them and me, facing blatent racism from teachers amd my headteacer who wanted to expel me (after she was racist to me), facing a MH system that penalises Black people and the expectations of a 'strong Black women' that meant my maths teacher felt okay leaving me with the boys who talked about how they wanted to rape girls and rape me - because only I was strong enougu to sit with them, facing a horrible SS system that failed me, facing living in houses infested with cockroaches as its the best we could afford, and much else that I don't want to share. T

he people who failed 'without trying' (not those kids who were failed but often worked much harder) were often the ones with tutors and privilege because they said they'll just get a job with their dad and didn't care - because they have the privilege to not care, I didn’t because it was and is the only way I had a chance at a better life. I worked incredibly hard and got 3 GCSEs that were some of the highest in the country. At the start of Y11 I was getting a 5 or 6 (just) in GCSE English Lit in the end I got 156/160 for both papers, one the best grades in the country.

For History GCSE, I had one of my closest teachers die during the year, I wrote myself off as never being able to get higher than a 6, I only lost 11 marks in my whole GCSE History and for R.E I also only lost 9 marks and did very well in GCSE Sociology with a 9 mostly down to an incredible teacher who forced me to do better, gave me JSTOR reading and univeristy theory. Rather than just saying try your best and whatever that is, is fine. I also have done lots of work in youth policy and advocacy, I have worked for a number of years with exam boards, policy makers in education (around dealing with the challenges young people face which stop them from doing as well), I have done since Y10 my whole PSHE and workshops in schools off my own back - on violence against women and girls, consent, racism in the modern world, women's history month, Black history minth, sex education, helped my 6th form write a whole new Harmful Sexual Behaviour policy, did menstrual health workshops in schools. I didn't find exams accessible easier (due to an invisble disability - for which since 13 I have navigated the healthcare system, meds etc by myself), as do many girls (and I have done lots of work around the challenges for diagnosis and acess arrangements for SEND for young girls especially BAME girls who are adultified). I have done lots of work in education, exams, government policy, and I have worked, created many campaigns with tons of empathy on a whole range of issues - exclusion policy, hair policies in schools which discriminate against Black students, creating a new inclusive curriculum that focuses on representation (helping exam boards change parts of their specifications and schools change KS3 curriculum), doing training for teachers on misogyny, racism, unconscious bias, adultifcaiton.

I also agree that there should be more range of qualifications other than GCSEs and have worked with exam boards to create these actually. But the reality of the current situation is that there are only GCSEs now, it doesn't mean there shouldn't be much more on offer including vocational, more choice etc. Like I said I have worked on the creation of some of these plans for new qualifications as well as more accessible GCSEs. As said in an earlier post "Some of them try really hard which I acknowledge - many of them are failed by the school system, lack of SEND support, being young carers or not having good support if they're in care - and there needs to much more support for them".

Edited

And there were only a few teachers who were culturally competent (not many are), and inspired me (though I always wanted top grades) and some of them saved my life. I didn't get amazing GCSEs in everything, I got some 6s in Sciences and 5 in French. But it doesn't mean I don't have lots of empathy or think that GCSEs are a direct relation to intelligence either, but I did work incredibly hard because for me, education was my only choice for a better life. It's because of that since Y10 I have worked in the sector, with exam boards, schools, policy makers to change the sector and the opportunities for kids and me, for those who are let down.

angelco · 29/07/2025 01:14

TiredButTryin5x · 28/07/2025 18:52

feel sick thinking bout it tbh.
ds1’s results day is also his birthday (21 aug) n it’s meant to be a big one – 16 n all that.

but what if he fails?? he thinks he’s got 4s n 5s but idk what that even means. i only just learnt how to log into the portal cos ppl on here helped me. 🙈

he’s not been great lately. not sleeping right. xbox all night. won’t eat dinner with us. proper withdrawn. i ask if he’s ok n he shrugs or says “i’m fine” but it don’t feel fine.

he’s meant to start college but he keeps saying “if i even get in.”

i wanna make the day special but we’re skint n i’m scared if results go bad he’ll shut down fully. no dad. no money. no idea how to help.

has anyone been through this? how do u make it ok if it’s not ok?

i don’t want him to feel like a failure. he’s not. he’s really not. 😢

any advice would help 💙

Don’t make it a huge thing passing them makes life easier but also isn’t the be all and end all. My mum told me I did terrible and I had done but I’m the only one of her 3 daughters working.

clary · 29/07/2025 06:29

@TheLivelyViper I am sorry you had such a tough time. You have clearly worked hard and achieved well.

But you still seem to think that if students just keep retaking they will gain a grade 4 GCSE in the end. The knowledge to get a 4 may seem basic to you but as I say, for many it is not, and it’s not simply a case of resitting. Let’s hope the OP’s DS has got the 4s and 5s he needs.

There are other qualifications than GCSEs already! just schools are not allowed to (or at any rate don't) offer them to year 11s when IMHO they should.

RampantIvy · 29/07/2025 07:04

Getting back to the point of the thread - @TiredButTryin5x As your DS won't have visited the college for an open evening he won't know the range of courses on offer, so it is really important that you both go there straight after picking up the results so that he can see what his options are.

He probably thinks it will be like school but it won't be, and hopefully he will be pleasantly surprised.

Good luck.

clary · 29/07/2025 07:13

Yes sorry to hijack @TiredButTryin5x

Please know that even if your DS has gained grades of 2-3 rather than all 4-5, there will certainly be a college course available to him, alongside resits if needed.

TeenToTwenties · 29/07/2025 07:15

@TiredButTryin5x Sorry that the Viper has disrupted your thread in a very inconsiderate manner.

You must open on the day, otherwise you won't be able to talk to college about what level college course.

I suggest you celebrate the birthday the day before, all the presents etc. Tell him you are proud whatever the results hold.

Hazlenuts2016 · 29/07/2025 07:21

Haven't read all the replies but probably the best way to make it not matter as much if he doesn't get the grades(and therefore not ruin the day) is to figure out a good contingency plan for a course or training in advance that he is happy with. Consult the college and see what the alternative would be. Sorry, maybe that's too obvious.

maliafawn · 29/07/2025 07:44

Dont make it a big deal. Ensure he knows that passing GCSEs at school is just one route to success, its not the be all and end all. Schools make out like it is because they are measured by pass rates, but that doesn’t mean he is.

Now that education to 18 is mandatory, there will be a college course available to him if he doesnt make his target grades for the course he has chosen, and in some cases they are still accepted and resit some subjects along side. Colleges offer such a huge range of options now he will find something.

On results day get to the school as early as possible to find out where he stands. Our college gives us a time slot for attending, but regardless off that, get there early. Then if the worst happens you have time to sit and look through the level 2 courses they offer and can make some plans for when you speak to the college.

i know mine asks for 5 at G5 including maths and/or english for alevels and t levels. 4 at G4 including maths and/or english for extended diplomas, all those are level 3 and will allow them to progress to uni. If he struggles with exams, have a look at the extended diplomas, and they include alot of course work rather than final exams. Though they arent ness an easy route, one of mine has just finished the IT course and it was heavy at times.

after you have spoken to college make the rest of the day about him and his birthday. Put it in a box and forget about it. You need to look at these as one pathway to success, there are others. Yes, passing may make that path faster, but its not the only way. Im on this road for the third time with my youngest too, and school really drum it in to them that its the only route to success and its just not true.

maliafawn · 29/07/2025 07:50

Also as a single mum of 3 its hard to make birthdays special at the best of times. But under these circumstances its maybe even harder. I had one who didn’t do as well as he hoped but after going to the college he was reassured every thing was going to be ok.

for his birthday make sure its about him, his favourite dinner, etc. Ask him what he wants to do with the afternoon and take it from there, do what you can within the budget you have

LIZS · 29/07/2025 08:17

Does he have friends he can go out with afterwards? Or plan an afternoon just the two of you.

AFrolicOfMyOwn · 29/07/2025 09:01

@FancyCatSlave- how do you feel about offering university level courses to students with those low A’Level grades? What’s the trajectory of their uni careers - and do they go on to graduate level jobs or find themselves, after hundreds of applications, stacking shelves or delivering pizzas, not as a stopgap but essentially for life? (Unless they’re very determined or stumble upon some luck. Obviously poor A’Levels don’t prevent people becoming entrepreneurs or artists - I’m asking more about the mainstream job market.)

AFrolicOfMyOwn · 29/07/2025 09:04

Do you bake, @TiredButTryin5x? I’d suggest baking and icing a cake in advance, and then, after the college visit on the day, adding some reference to the most positive outcome to the cake decoration.

TheLivelyViper · 29/07/2025 09:17

@TiredButTryin5x Can you maybe get childcare for the day? I know that would be difficult but even just for the afternoon, so the two of you could just do something together? He might like to just have some time with you if he can.

DuckCootLoon · 29/07/2025 11:05

Hi @TiredButTryin5x
You've already had lots of advice about the actual grades and what this means for college etc.
My advice is more about the emotional response.
If he doesn't the grades he wants for his first choice then he will obviously be disappointed. It's important that he is allowed to feel upset, and you don't pretend that it's all fine. It's normal to feel sad if life doesn't work out the way you hoped. The important thing is that it's framed as a setback or a temporary difficulty. Exams can feel all-consuming at that age, so it's good to have some perspective that yes, it's bad news, but they're not the be all and end all.
He might need to take a different route, or a longer route, or he might change his goals. Try to help him understand that the results are only one aspect, and they don't reflect all the other great things about him (you sound like you're already doing that).
There are plenty of examples of famous people who didn't do well academically and ended up on totally different paths to what they expected.
There are some on this link, or you might find others that resonate more with his interests
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/2Dn71F5NTC2GnNW4S9dyRD1/7-stars-who-nailed-plan-b-after-plan-a-didnt-work-out

Best of luck to you both.

BBC Radio 1 - BBC Advice, Results Season - 7 stars who nailed Plan B after Plan A didn't work out

7 stars who ran with Plan B after Plan A didn't work out

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/2Dn71F5NTC2GnNW4S9dyRD1/7-stars-who-nailed-plan-b-after-plan-a-didnt-work-out

CatRescueNeeded · 29/07/2025 11:11

@TiredButTryin5x i think that right now, all your son needs to know is that whatever happens you will sort it for him

i think your plan for the day should be

  1. Get up early and do pressies
  2. Younger kids go to whatever childcare you have sorted
  3. You and DS1 go to school to get results. Whatever they are, you then ring the college to understand his options and sign him up for relevant course
  4. Lunch for just you and DS1 wherever he chooses (within budget)
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