DD 18 has had a string of really bad “boyfriends” but keeps repeating same cycle

[redcherrybottle]

She’s so young but obviously doesn’t think it, as per usual teens thinking.

She’s very into the idea of having a boyfriend - she had one for a few months and was smitten. She had her heart broken when she found out he had cheated on her.

Since then she’s had a string of other boys that have not amounted to anything other than hurting her heart and self esteem.

They all worryingly seem to love bomb at the beginning , big promises of dates and future plans then begins the very inconsistent communication and most turn out to be full on lying about themselves or drop her when the next girl comes along for them to start the process with again.

A lot of it is centred around “talking” on snap chat

I’m trying to encourage her to just enjoy her life but every few days there’s a new love interest and the whole cycle starts again.

I dont know how she is repeatedly finding the same type of boy and none of them seem to be just nice, decent lads.

I'm really worried for her and struggling to see her repeatedly being hurt.

She’s starting to think it’s a her issue ie not pretty enough, not thin enough etc

Any tips on supporting her or reassurance for me that it’s all normal teen stuff and she’ll be fine in the end ?

Is there anything you can do to help her self esteem? Any activities or trips that the two of you can do together? It’s a difficult one as she needs to see things for herself and if told then more likely to push back

She does realise that 'talking' is the very first stage of showing romantic interest in someone? People (boys and girls, it's not just boys who do this!) might be talking to several different people at the same time and often the talking does not result in anything more serious. Unless the rules are different where you are.

We do a lot together, very close, she has plenty of summer plans, holiday coming up etc but the boy thing just keeps coming around and around

Yeah, shes explained the "talking stages" stuff to me, doesn't seem to prevent the effect of it all on her. They come on so strong and are full of Sh*t basically, but in a really unkind way about how much they like her, are looking for girlfriend, want to meet up and looking for something serious etc, liked her for long time, gonna do this, gonna take her here and then nothing, or they start not replying quickly anymore and that seems to really have her invested - seems all so unhealthy

Last week she was getting ready for being picked up for a date , half an hour before he was due to pick her up he blocked her abruptly on all platforms. No explanation.

Another one sent her flowers to the house, full of all the patter then turned out to have lied about where he lived, what he did and had an actual girlfriend!

Ouch op your poor daughter.

Does she know them in real life at all well?

Might she benefit from some counselling ?

If its any consolation I was absolutely obsessed with the worst sort of boys and meh from aged about 15 to 28!! And am now married to a very good man.

I had therapy in my late 20s and wish id had it younger.

What does she learn about relationships from watching you and wider family ?

You could maybe pay for some counselling/therapy if she's interested? So she can look into why she's seeking approval or validation from boys rather than getting it from herself. I wouldn't word it that way to her because it sounds critical - I do think it's a positive thing for young women to learn, though. If she's feeling low about her appearance, does she have positive things that she does see about herself? Achievements or skills or interests? I know when I was younger and I got overly invested in relationships it was because I didn't really know how to make things work or make progress in my own life, especially after I'd left school where the way to do this is fairly straightforward and laid out for you.

Also remember it is normal to kiss a lot of frogs when you are young, it's a process of getting to know yourself and what you like and how you like to be treated by others.

It's not your job to save her from ever being hurt by the world, it's your job to be there and provide support and sympathy when it happens.

She does seem very unlucky, I know a lot of teen boys and none of them are like the ones your DD has experienced. If anything, they mostly get their hearts broken by the girls! How does she know these boys?

Her brother is a great example of teen boys not all being like this, she’ll often say she just wants to meet someone like him or their Dad.

@BertieBotts thank you for the reminder that it’s my job to protect her from hurt but to be there to support her - and that it’s normal to kiss some frogs along the way!

I worry that she’s ignoring any nice boys and sees them as boring in comparison to the bright lights of the love bombers in training with all their big promises (that amount to nothing) - if this is the case she’ll have to learn by experience I suppose.

I think it’s all exacerbated by her working in a role where there aren’t any peers her own age so she’s not naturally meeting friends or boys in day to day life.

Its all nights out or people responding to posts on social media and starting to message her, all seems a bit fake.

Shes a lovely girl - kind, caring, empathetic, brilliant company but she’s meeting people based on appearances alone I think and she subscribes to the popular look of hair, lashes, nails, new outfits and seems to be attracting a particular fish from a particular pond. I keep telling her she needs a new pond!

As a muslim family we don't allow our children to date because we know what issues could arise.

@redcherrybottle
It's great she recognises the qualities of her brother and dad and wants boys like them in her life.
This will eventually steer her on the right path.
It would be worrying if she saw her brother and dad as boring and uncool.

@Ayesha144 not a helpful reply. I come from a similar culture and yet find your response very unhelpful and unsupportive to a parent asking for help.

Thats not the flex you think it is

Does she or anyone else know these boys in real life or are they just randoms from snap?

part of growth is figuring out what are the signs for a shit partner And unfortunately this comes from having the shit partner.

she won’t be interested in much of your advice but still worth giving and hoping that of she has strong and intelligent friend group that they will be pointing out the rubbishness of these men

Have you talked to her about love bombing? I think the key thing with dating is to take it slow and don't give too much of yourself away too early. Just keep reminding her that it takes quite a long time to get to know someone and work out if they're a good person. I also think meeting people online is much more likely to turn out horrible - I know it's how it's done now, but still. Be even more wary of people you meet online!

😂😂 they all have secret girlfriends and boyfriends. Doing secret dates in their cars and jumping out of their bedroom windows.

OP you say she doesn't have many interactions with people her own age at work, maybe she needs more of her free time to be spent with a decent group of her peers. Maybe a couple of volunteer roles once a week?? There's soooo many different volunteer roles out there! It would also widen her interests and look good on her CV as well as widen the scope of people she meets face to face.

She needs to meet people her own age that are kind hearted, and it's a lot easier to find those in real life in a setting like a volunteering group than through randoms on Snapchat!

Maybe suggest she keeps Snapchat to real life friends only for a while?

On the plus side none of them are lasting long! Also, with the good looking ones messing her around she may be more open to a not so flash good guy than she otherwise would!

Correct me if I have misunderstood. Is your daughter meeting these lads on a night out and then starts to message with them? If so I don’t think there is anything wrong with that approach. I think it’s important to find your boyfriend attractive. I don’t subscribe to the oh he is plain (ugly) but has a great personality.

why can’t she meet a good looking lad and then work out if he’s a keeper?

However Snapchat is an absolutely evil platform and if she is talking to randoms on there I don’t think any good will come of it.

Its all nights out or people responding to posts on social media and starting to message her, all seems a bit fake.

I agree this definitely sounds like the issue. Meeting friends of friends is obviously far less likely to be so fraught. Randoms on nights out is bad enough but random people on social media is a recipe for disaster. Can you encourage her to try and meet people though people she knows if she is so intent on having a BF?

They do not do this.