Parents of ASD teens: when does it get easier for them?

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DS15 ASD but very 'high functioning' (hate that term btw) and only the most astute observer would identify him as ND as he masks very well. He has always done lots of things socially but also always, particularly more recently in the teen years, gets dumped by every friendship group that he's in. He's gone through several different groups over the years, there is always upset when it happens and then following that he finds a new group, there is a honeymoon period when everything is well and so on, the circle goes on. Now going into his GCSE year and he currently only has one friend at school when just months ago he was part of a tight-knit group (group still together, just without DS). I have spent hours upon hours trying to work out what goes wrong each time but can find no reason other than apparently this is typical for ASD teens (??). For those of you with similar teens, does it ever get easier for them? I don't need him to find his tribe, I am not sure he ever will, I just desperately want him to be happy and liked for a period of time.

I hear that HF neurodiverse kids sometimes easier to find people to connect with at college. I am hoping that is the case. I have a similar situation with my autistic daughter (16) who is HF and also masks a lot. She is currently being iced out of her close knit friend group and my heart is breaking for her.

My daughter is 16 and things seem easier the second half of this school year- she is comfortable in her own skin and is happy to have a few friends but not be part of one specific friendship group.

she’s academically able so doesn’t have help in class but does have some support during free periods to talk about friendships and also talk about executive function challenges. And she sees a psychotherapist regularly and talks about that kind of stuff too.

so, for us the answer is end of y11. Can you access any help at school?

Thanks for replies. DS does not seem to need any support for his academics, he finds some aspects of school difficult but is so far managing well with very good grades predicted for GCSEs and is reluctant to receive any other pastoral support due to the stigma it has in his school where known autistic students are bullied and socially excluded (whereas children with other diagnoses, notably those with ADHD, are not stigmatised in the same way but form part of the 'popular' group). He does not want any of the children at school (or their parents) know that he has a diagnosis. I have discussed private help with him previously but again he is not keen, I may raise it again with him. I'm hoping that a change of school for sixth form may help but we still have a full year to go before then and I am already dreading prom!

Mines 19 and still struggles.

Mine is 20 - it never got easier. Mine has no friends except online. They tried and tried in real life.

DD16 only has online friends and it’s been that way for 3 years now. Going to tribunal to try and get Section I changed on her EHCP in an attempt to get her the 1 college she feels she may be able to attend. She desperately wants some real life friends.

You say now he 'only' has 1 friend, but that might actually work much better for him. Groups can often be really difficult to navigate when you're autistic IME.

I think school and uni are difficult because so much of it revolves around friendships and going out. DS is working now and finds it much easier. He socialises with lots of techy people at work, a lot of people are older and more mature and then is very happy to just be alone and decompress afterwards at home. He really enjoys his work, likes the people and isn't in a year group with 250 people all the same age as him who he is expected to compete with for friends.

Through secondary school DS spent all break times alone and never saw anyone outside of school. Secondary schools are just awful for autistic teens IMO, literally everything about them is difficult and wrong for teens with ASD.

I would say what's really important though is that they find a job they really like - and that alone can be really hard when you're autistic. The whole process of getting a job is really not set up for people with ASD either. Personality tests are a minefield, group tasks are hideous and interviews can be extremely difficult. Huge amounts of support at home and a workplace that puts in provisions for autistic people can make a huge difference - for example some places will now give interview questions in advance which can help so much. My advice would be to make himself as employable as possible - voluntary work, part time job, high level of involvement in a hobby. All worth doing post 16 and through uni if he goes. He may still need a lot of support with the process though even if he is in his early 20's.

Uni itself can go either way - and it's the same for a lot of kids. The stunningly good looking uber confident kids will probably all be fine but for the rest it's a bit more tricky. It might be that he really hits it off with the people in his accommodation, or here might be a club or society where he meets people or at his classes.

Personally I find the term high functioning really useful. It distinguishes someone who would have been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome from someone who would have been diagnosed with Classic autism - and irrespective of 'spiky profiles' the difference is often vast. It's like sticking people with migraines in with people who have headaches - they might have some similarities but for the people with migraines it's really important that they are recognised as being much more severely affected. It's also really no different to having levels except that it's much more easily understood by everyone than saying your child has level 1 ASD. Kids not getting help because of the label 'high functioning' is just nonsense too - getting help is almost impossible no matter what!

My dc is 19 and has always struggled with friendships.

My DS has always struggled with real friends - my problem is he doesn't mask never has - what you see is what you get. He pisses people off because he shouts and screams if things go wrong he also tells people what he thinks of them. He is a very good judge of character and only likes people who like him for him - he went through a phase at secondary school of having loads of 'friends' that is what I thought but they were actually the popular kids wanting him to be their friend because they found his pure honesty funny. He has never had any male friends only girls. He is now at college and all his new friends are older than him which is annoying as alot are off to uni this year and he has to do another year at college without them. He definitely gets on better with older people as they are more able to deal with his quirks - teenagers just do not get him.

Sometimes i wish he masked as I think he would have more friends and also he would be less embarassing for people to be around him!!