DS14 weed addiction, anyone come out the other side?

[CleverPigeon]

DS14 has been excluded twice but currently in education and scraping by. Won’t stop smoking, drinking, taking any drug he can get his hands on.

Please don’t tell me to cut off his money and ground him because anyone who has been in this situation will know that doesn't work, consequences are meaningless and there are multiple ways that an enterprising child can access drugs with no money. I can’t lock him up, he has to leave the house to go to school and back.

He’s had private psychotherapy, attended a six week substance abuse programme, both of which he fully engaged with and stopped for a few weeks but then turned straight back to it.

He’s been refered by camhs for an adhd assesssment and we are going through the slow process. Tried to go private but I told them the full history and they said they won’t see anyone who takes drugs.

Mood wise he’s withdrawn and depressed, never happy, occasionally angry and explosive.

For background info, he’s from a loving supportive family and has a 16 year old sibling who is thriving.

I’m at my wits end because it no longer feels like teenage experimentation, it’s substance abuse alone in his room.

Can anyone who has been through this give me any advice?

I’m sorry you haven’t had any responses OP. I haven’t been in your situation.

what does he say about the situation (if anything)? My teen troubles were quite different but I realised all I could do was try to have a good relationship with her, a connection of sorts, so that hopefully one day we would find our way out of the woods… do you get any pleasant time together at all?

Hi @CleverPigeon I’m sorry you are going through this and I understand how difficult it is. My son is 17 and has been in this position on and off for a few years. Recently diagnosed with ADHD and maybe it would have helped if he had been diagnosed sooner and had recieved proper medication or anti depressants, I don’t know. He is being seen by CAMHS at the moment but they won’t give him medication because of his drug use. My son also takes it alone and is dependent at times. I think the biggest issue is mental health, he seems to cope ok for a bit but when his mood dips it seems to spiral and everything unravels. I wonder sometimes if it’s more than ADHD, perhaps bipolar but he is also being treated for trauma. It’s very difficult to help with his mental health unfortunately, and when he spirals he turns back to drugs. Not sure if this sounds relatable? When he got high recently it lasted a few weeks and it was really stressful, I did end up taking his phone away from him and gave him a brick phone - if he wants to contact dealers he’s not doing it on a phone i pay for. We were also going on holiday so that helped break the cycle and get him away from the environment for a bit, and then he stayed at his dads who didn’t let him out. But like you say we can’t keep him in forever. But we don’t give him money, again if he wants to buy drugs he can get a job but yes u do run the risk of him being exploited so I understand this is difficult to manage. I think the biggest challenge for us is somehow improving his mental health, this seems to be the route of it all. Does your son get any mental health or drug support?

@CleverPigeon
Yes, I've been there, it's awful. He's late 20s now and hasn't touched anything for over 3 years.
You seem to have a great understanding of it. Nothing you do or don't do will make him stop. It is in his hands. He has to want to stop.
He's only 14; it's commonly believed that when they start drinking/drugging emotional growth really slow down, if not stops. He may continue to behave like a 14 year old until he totally stops, whenever that is.

All you can do is look after yourself and take a step back. As a parent this is really hard to do but your life will improve whether he continues or not.

Have a look here https://al-anonuk.org.uk/ for support. It refers to alcohol but the same applies to all substances.
There are facwe to face support meetings you can attend and lots of online meetings, some aimed at parents.

Sorry for the late reply, we are currently on holiday abroad and a short respite from thinking about drugs non stop is such a welcome relief but it’s in the back of my mind the whole time that we soon have to go back to it all. Yesterday I found 2 packs of the local rizla papers in his backpack that he must have stolen from the souvenir shop because he doesn’t have any spending money. Thanks for your understanding responses. It’s so hard to take a step back but I know that’s what I have to do, he’s very strong willed and is just going to do what he wants to do and I can’t control him. It’s very hard to differentiate the idea of taking a step back with feeling like you’re giving up but I know I have to for my own mental health.

@pinkcatsnapping i completely relate to what you are saying about mental health. His drug use really increases when he is depressed which is of course the worst thing to do and a vicious circle. I also wonder if he could have bipolar. He has had psychotherapy and sometimes it helps and he will hand over a load of his paraphernalia and say he’s done with it all but the following week he’s back on it. It’s insane that they won’t medicate for adhd because of weed, because it’s just leaving kids with no option but to self medicate with illegal drugs. I found an confiscated a cannabis vape last week which I googled and found to be a fake. Apparently they are diluted with pesticides it’s such a worry.

Could you do something really drastic? Eg. tell him he is risking his brain development. Tell him he therefore has to quit or you are going to move area / move country / send him to boarding .school / send him to his grandparents.

@omgitchiness thank you for that. It’s good to hear from someone who has been through it and come out the other side.

He thinks I don’t know anything about drugs, he knows best, everyone does it, tells me “its not that deep”.
He doesn’t care about his brain development and wouldn’t believe me if I made dramatic threats. I’ve tried to explain how much it’s affecting my mental heath and the happiness of the family but he lacks any sort of empathy.

Taking his phone doesn’t work, he’s popular among his school friends and they share it with him for free. He’s also been known to wander up to adults smoking in a park and start a conversation and ask them for some. He’s has no sense of danger.

@Blimeyblighty thats all I can do, try and keep a connection and remain loving despite HATING the way he lives his life.

I suggested the idea of moving because you felt free of the drugs on holiday. Sometimes moving can help.

Maybe a stupid question, why can you not stop giving him money?

its something I’ve considered @Loubylie but it doesn’t seem fair on my other child who is happy and thriving and doing well at school and has a good network of friends. It’s also a lot of upheaval and expense and unfortunately drugs are everywhere and we’ll soon have the same problem in a different location.

If you cut off his money, surely that will reduce his access to drugs even if it doesnt totally stop it? Re ADHD will agree to stop to try medication? Or even just say he has stopped?

He’s very enterprising. He has multiple ways of getting it for free.

The only advice I have is take the most extreme measures you can now. Private rehab an option? Engage social services?

I hesitated about sharing this next bit but I lost my younger brother at 22 following an 8 year battle similar to what you had described, started with weed, escalated to prescription meds and polydrug use. Died of an overdose last year (he had 50+ of these in around 6 years)

Sadly my mum didn’t take the early drug use seriously enough early on and by the time we tried he was in full blown addiction. It’s horrible to watch and now as a parent, I can’t even begin to imagine how you are feeling.

Oh sweetie, been there! My now 24yr old was like this. Smoking weed at 13 suspended from school a few times, fighting, police at my door. It was truly awful.
When he was 15, the police came to the door, again! I wasn't home. I then,that evening took him to the police station. I left him in the car while I chatted to a wonderful policeman who came and got him told me to go back to the car.
Half an hour passed and I was getting worried.
They came back out like best pals, he had given my boy a tour of the cells explained to him that he would soon be getting a bed in there on a frequent basis as he would soon be an adult and would not be "let off" like he had been as a minor.
This along with wanting to join the forces encouraged(I think) him to stop. He didn't want to hang around with his "pals" much after that.
He hasn't touched weed/drugs since then.
I also think he has add or something but doesn't want to be checked/diagnosed.
He's a fantastic young man now and am so proud of him but the damage has been done through smoking weed so young, ie paranoia
Good luck, there is hope
💐 🫂

@Nynm23 I’m so sorry to hear that. I’m sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing.

Have you looked into rehab for teens?

@Didshejustsaythatoutloud thank you. It helps to know people have been through similar.

You need to contact social services, im surprised the school haven't done it already.

Drug use never ends anywhere good. My brother started using weed about the same age, he's gone on the have a criminal record, attempted suicide, lived on the streets. He's almost 40 and just about getting a basic life together now, but still has a lot of anger, paranoia and hatred in his soul. We are no contact with him.

sorry to hear that Moose that is a very sad situation.

The school reported us to social services, they satisfied themselves he was from a loving home, we’d paid for psychotherapy, he’d attended a substance misuse programme and they signed the case closed. What else can they do? They’ve got much bigger problems on their hands.

Not yet..he’s in a ‘determined to do it’ phase, I think he’d have to be be fed up of it but can’t stop phase for rehab to work.

Yes we have been there - youngest son started smoking weed about 15 and started hanging out with other users. Hooked up with a girl who also used. We had provided a loving supportive home and were completely lost about what to do - he has an older brother who at the time was teetotal and didn't touch drugs despite a very busy social life. It was a very hard time. My approach was to keep lines of communication open and not to judge - to keep him close and treat him with love and kindness whilst also maintaining certain boundaries such as no weed smoking in our house or garden. He eventually gave up of his own accord - he's now 24 hasn't smoked in about four years. He is still very close to us and to his brother, has a great job and a lovely new girlfriend. There is hope.