Escalating abusive behaviour from a 15yr old

[LonelyParentsClubBand]

Hi,
Day .5 of the summer holidays and we are blowing up.

Background
DS is 15 and has always been headstrong and argumentative. My earliest memory goes back to when he was about 3. I (DD) am a disciplinarian (not authoritarian) by nature, but have learnt to ease off and let him 'win' some arguments so long as the behaviour isn't abusive. DW and I have different parenting styles. She does not like confrontation.

Over the last few months, DS has begun swearing a lot, in general conversation and sometimes directed at his brother. This has got increasingly coarse. DS has bullying tendencies and has been physically violent with his brother in the past. This was along the lines of shoving / shouldering, not punching etc. He has not been physically violent with anyone else.

I should add that we have never had any behavioural complaints from school. On the contrary, only last week he was commended for his empathy towards a fellow student who was self harming.

Situation
Yesterday, he got a haircut that was too short for his liking. And this triggered a sequence of slamming doors, screaming profanities, thumping his table etc. I did not help the situation and escalated it further and he ultimately told me to f* off. I asked him to cool down outside the house so DW and I could think.

So, parents of past teens. I have not had an apology from DS yet. All privileges (phone, closed door, etc.) are off atm and here are my questions

1. Am I overreacting?
2. On apology, do I let the pattern repeat in the hope that DS will grow out of it?
3. Do teens actually grow out of this?
4. Am I missing something obvious? Councillor sessions?

Is a closed door a privilege?

no real advice but when you remove everything from a clearly struggling child as a form of punishment, you leave them literally nothing left to lose.

so the behaviour you’re so keen to stop, escalates. In part because there’s nothing for them to lose

is he neurodiverse?

violent behaviour needs stopping in its tracks and dealing with of course. But you say yourself you are a disciplinarian and you escalate situations yourself … so I’d start by looking at yourself and what you could do to potentially diffuse as opposed to inflame

Is a closed door a privilege?

no real advice but when you remove everything from a clearly struggling child as a form of punishment, you leave them literally nothing left to lose.

so the behaviour you’re so keen to stop, escalates. In part because there’s nothing for them to lose

is he neurodiverse?

violent behaviour needs stopping in its tracks and dealing with of course. But you say yourself you are a disciplinarian and you escalate situations yourself … so I’d start by looking at yourself and what you could do to potentially diffuse as opposed to inflame

Is a closed door a privilege?

no real advice but when you remove everything from a clearly struggling child as a form of punishment, you leave them literally nothing left to lose.

so the behaviour you’re so keen to stop, escalates. In part because there’s nothing for them to lose

is he neurodiverse?

violent behaviour needs stopping in its tracks and dealing with of course. But you say yourself you are a disciplinarian and you escalate situations yourself … so I’d start by looking at yourself and what you could do to potentially diffuse as opposed to inflame

Is a closed door a privilege?

no real advice but when you remove everything from a clearly struggling child as a form of punishment, you leave them literally nothing left to lose.

so the behaviour you’re so keen to stop, escalates. In part because there’s nothing for them to lose

is he neurodiverse?

violent behaviour needs stopping in its tracks and dealing with of course. But you say yourself you are a disciplinarian and you escalate situations yourself … so I’d start by looking at yourself and what you could do to potentially diffuse as opposed to inflame

Is a closed door a privilege?

no real advice but when you remove everything from a clearly struggling child as a form of punishment, you leave them literally nothing left to lose.

so the behaviour you’re so keen to stop, escalates. In part because there’s nothing for them to lose

is he neurodiverse?

violent behaviour needs stopping in its tracks and dealing with of course. But you say yourself you are a disciplinarian and you escalate situations yourself … so I’d start by looking at yourself and what you could do to potentially diffuse as opposed to inflame

Is a closed door a privilege?

no real advice but when you remove everything from a clearly struggling child as a form of punishment, you leave them literally nothing left to lose.

so the behaviour you’re so keen to stop, escalates. In part because there’s nothing for them to lose

is he neurodiverse?

violent behaviour needs stopping in its tracks and dealing with of course. But you say yourself you are a disciplinarian and you escalate situations yourself … so I’d start by looking at yourself and what you could do to potentially diffuse as opposed to inflame

How old is his brother? What is the dynamic between them?

How is he otherwise? Is he polite/respectful in general? Helpful? Works hard? Does chores etc? Is there a clear moment when his behaviour started escalating? How are things at school? Has he settled well, has friends ?
What does he say when he’s calm and you talk to him about it? What does he think? What is he feeling?

In terms of taking things away, be mindful of backing yourself and him into a corner. A kid that has nothing left to lose can go the exact opposite way of what you want.

Clearly a glitch as my post has posted about a million times!

It wasn’t that insightful!

I agree FoxyLoxyy. I too feel that as a parent, escalation is a slippery slide down.

I should clarify, for you and for anyone else leaving a comment, I consciously escalated the situation yesterday—after 8 years of the opposite approach. In the past, I have listened to him vent, we have talked about boundaries, consequences, the hurt that is caused, the permanent effect of words and the healing effect of words. We have also worked on problem solving together. It has often ends with hugs and tears, but the pattern of abuse has always returned. I have consciously de-escalated so far.

I changed the course yesterday as I was out of ideas, also why I am here today. I still think it wasn't right what I did, but I would like to focus on what I could do next. Maybe the way I was de-escalating was not right?

In answer to your questions

Is a closed door a privilege?
Probably not a privilege but if a door is being slammed and misused to make a point, its dangerous.

is he neurodiverse?
I do not know. But we are thinking of taking steps to find out. Incidentally, it was my suggestion that we should see a doctor that escalated the situation yesterday.

Thank you WhenYouSayNothingAtAll. This has been cathartic to write. I feel I am learning a lot that I had totally forgotten about my behaviour.

How old is his brother?
12

What is the dynamic between them?
They have many shared interests and when things are going well, they are the best brothers—giggles and Pokemon. Generally, DS15 can be quite overbearing towards DS12 - telling him where he went wrong, how he could have done something better, 'edu-instructing' him. DS12 is quite headstrong too but is largely submissive towards DS15. Of late, DS12 doesn't want to walk with DS15 to school.

How is he otherwise? Is he polite/respectful in general?
He finds it very hard to say please or sorry. But he is not overly polite or rude. His teachers think he is a joy and he can be charming and witty if he wants.

He has a tendency to go overboard snap at anyone calling for him, eg "dinner's ready, are you coming?" will be followed with a "What?! I heard you the first time. Are you deaf?"

Yesterday, when he was stood outside the front door, the doorbell camera caught him saying some vile racist stuff under his breath. This was as a Deliveroo rider was passing on the road.

Helpful? Works hard? Does chores etc?
Not out of his own volition. He would need to be asked and would comply resentfully. Chores like taking the bins out result in slamming doors. Slamming bin lids etc. He will only take the dog out if told to and when he can hunt Pokemons. Generally, he is quite lazy but works on things that he enjoys eg drawing and art.

Is there a clear moment when his behaviour started escalating?
I began noticing the swearing around Easter. He took the Nintendo to school and lost it. Didn't tell anyone until a few weeks later. The Nintendo was his younger brothers Christmas gift. To repair this situation, we agreed that he would work with me in the garden and get paid £10/hr to recoup the money and replace the Nintendo. However, it was April, and I chose to back off as the GCSC mocks were coming up. He has not worked with me in the garden once. He knows that come September, the money will have to be paid. This is a meltdown that is coming I suppose.

How are things at school? Has he settled well, has friends ?
Average student, stable-ish grades—did surprisingly (to him) poorly in a few subjects in the GCSC mocks. His closest friend circle of 5 is trusting and tight. Last weekend he told me about a girl he liked, who didn't like him back. This was heartbreaking to him (and the cause of a separate angry meltdown last weekend) and we talked this through.

What does he say when he’s calm and you talk to him about it? What does he think? What is he feeling?
Admittedly, I often don't want to poke the bear. Bringing up the topics when he is calm can often end with an outburst. On the occasions where its all remained civil and I have asked him to reflect on what happened, he has appeared to be introspective, trying to articulate why things went south. When he tries to explain his feelings, it often ends with "I don't know how to explain it" and I don't push much after that. I prod with a few open ended questions like "If we reset this situation, what would you change first?"