15 year old dd and telling the truth

[Japril]

My dd is coming to the end of year 10. She is autistic and I suspect might have inattentive ADHD but trying to find an assessment is proving impossible.
Similar to two other threads on here she has an exceptionally messy bedroom (dirty clothes mixed in with clean ones, make up stains all over the carpet, rubbish and scraps of paper everywhere) and has also just done year 10 mocks and got a range of grades from a 9 for the subject she worked for and a 4 in one of her best subjects she did not work for.
My main issue is I just don’t trust her. A while ago I gave up and tidied her bedroom and found an empty bottle of wine. She tried to say she had no idea how it got there! I asked to look at her phone and found videos on TikTok of her and her best friend drinking and being silly. She was told no more sleepovers and her phone was locked down until after mocks.
Last night they had their first sleepover and I asked them to put their phones on the landing (my daughters has screen time so hers wouldn’t work but her friend’s doesn’t because her parents don’t allow phones upstairs). They first of all tried to tell me they are allowed phones at friend’s house on sleepovers. I know they are not because previously the parents have asked me if they are ok to take dd’s phone. So they conceded. I checked on them at 2am and phones were on the landing. At 6.50 when I woke up the phones were not there but they had left the door open and were both asleep.
I am angry and catastrophising that I can’t trust my daughter. I haven’t spoken to them yet and don’t really know whether to say anything or not. My dd always seems to tell little lies to try and avoid getting into trouble/facing the reality of situations. For instance half drunk cans of drink - I will say dd please don’t open cans and not finish them and she will say it wasn’t me but she is the only one to drink said drink. 🤷‍♀️. The other day she went for a walk and Live 360 had her in a really dodgy part of town and she said oh we wanted to walk as far as we could and then get a bus back, but she didn’t get a bus back and then made up some bullshit about the bus not stopping for them. I just don’t get it!! The lies about the little things then make be doubt everything she does - I am pretty sure she is vaping but I have no evidence.
Any tips for how to handle her? I find the fibbing infuriating and pointless. I want her to feel like she can talk to us so we can help her and I want to be able to give her freedom to make mistakes and learn from them but when she won’t acknowledge mistakes I don’t see how she will learn from them!

Is she actually diagnosed autistic? Unusual for autistic people to lie like this, although of course everyone is an individual.

Some of your examples of bad behaviour sound quite trivial - I think you do have to choose your battles with teenagers and also let them experience natural consequences if they make poor choices e.g. if she wastes canned soft drinks, buy the drink in large bottles instead, or just stop buying it if nobody else drinks it. If she stays up all night on her phone she'll feel rough the next day. And presumably she can now see the connection between hard work and higher marks - that's what mocks are for! I would be firm about bedroom hygiene though. Bag up and remove mess and make her wait to get it back.

It’s difficult to work out what may be down to neurodivergence and what’s just being a teen . My dd also 15 seems to have blossomed into this beautiful young lady as opposed to the little girl she is to me. In the past 6 months skirts have got shorter . Tops a little tighter. Make up heavier . Fake tan (wtf) and also she’s challenging me and that was harder. I felt disrespected and cheated and like she hated me at times . I’ve kept up communication I’m not so hard on her if she proves she is doing her best ( not mine) . Her room I go in there first thing make her bed and pick up washing . Her room can be messed up by her to chaotic levels in minutes . I then take her phone and give her specific instructions of what she has to do to tidy it up. I’ve learned to break it down in stages I pop in and out and give direction. She has Audhd so that’s why 😉. It sounds simple but we had many arguments I drank lots of wine and there were tears from both of us. Hang in there . It’s just a phase 😂. So people keep telling me .

Thank you! Yes she is diagnosed autistic and I think the ridiculous lies are coming from a place of people pleading/fear of getting into trouble. She seems to struggle with RSD type issues. @RussianDoll76 you have summed it up well, we also have miniscule clothes, make up and fake tan - another ridiculous lie was that she hadn’t used fake tan and her hands were orange because she had picked up a bottle of fake tan… I think she thought I would be cross she had used it whereas I actually would have told her how to use it.

Can't see why it would be necessary to ask her if she'd used fake tan if her hands were stained orange. Are you calling out the untruths in a factual way every time?

Well I just handled that really badly. She knocked on the door whilst I was in the shower asking to go to the park and for a walk (it is pissing with rain) if she was back by 11.30 as we are going out then. I said why did she want to do that, and then accused her of constantly telling lies so why should I believe her and brought up the phones. She claimed they got them at 6.30 and I said you were a sleep at 6.50 so that seems unlikely and she said my friend got them so she could text her mum and I said so could friend show me the text on her phone and she went um probably, I mean she was on her phone so I just assumed she was texting her mum. And she said I don’t know what else to tell you it’s the truth. Which is what she always says regardless of how obviously it is not the truth. Anyway I shouldn’t have blown up at her, especially as her friend is still here. It is all very awkward and embarrassing and I have definitely made the situation a million times worse.

I would let the little things go which is most of what she is doing. My dd went through a period of lying, around the same age, most of it now looking back on it was because she was embarrassed.
If she is not harming or doing damage leave her to it for now, and give her a sloppy kiss and hug from time to time to remind her that you are her support when she needs you. A compliment or two would also massively help the situation.

Oh dear , I so understand the need to react but she is getting older and as parents it’s a learning curve for us . I remember o didn’t want my parents to know all I was doing. The harder you push the harder she will push . We have to allow some freedom for them as scary as that can be for us. Keep watching but from a distance . When my daughter goes against what I’ve asked ( like your phone situation) I have found she’s more affected when I say that’s disappointed me or I’m upset you did that than hours of shouting at her could ever achieve. Definitely give her hugs give her support remind her you’re her safe space . Check how you’re reacting to her and ask yourself would you go to you . I’m not preaching this is just the process I had to go through. After 6 hellish months we are in a bright place . Her mood swings are horrendous but I realise reacting with positivity most of the time helps us both. I make her laugh even when she tries not to. I still pull her up when she is truly out of order . Life is hard when you’re 15 I think for this generation even more than we realise .

It sounds like you’re in a vicious circle at the moment. You need to allow her space to make her own mistakes at that age. Did you really need to be tracking her when she was out, it seems so intrusive.

I think you need to chill out a little bit. Teens lie. So do young kids. So do adults. Little lies to get out of trouble or because of embarrassment are a fairly normal part of life.

All of the stuff you list is fairly minor. The wine incident is probably the one I'd worry most about. Teenagers looking at their phones at a sleepover?! Really?! That's the hill you want to die on? If you were really bothered you could have taken them instead of leaving them on the landing.

Are you autistic too? Or do you think you might be?

Very few teens tell the truth all the time to their parents.

she’s going to lie if you have rules and know she’s broken them. Don’t bother asking her.

focus on keeping her safe and helping her make better choices.

you can buy boxes for phones to lock them in. That will stop any arguments about getting phones.

messy bedroom is pretty much required for teenagers, especially adhd teens. Consider getting a dirty laundry basket to be kept in there.

Thank you. I needed the reality check. I need to back off and allow her to fuck up. Am I autistic, not officially but I definitely have traits.

I think if she knows that you will definitely say no, she may not bother asking and will lie to you. Try and keep lines of communication open and still have nice times and fun with her. Decide on your top priorities - for me it would be safety stuff- and keep those with clear consequences if she breaks those rules- let her know in advance what they are abs stick to it. Then I would let most other things slide. Clothes not put in wash- no clean laundry etc.