Lost and broken things

[Spinmerightroundbaby]

Hello Mumsnetters.

I am at my wit’s end dealing with a 16 year old who loses and breaks (sometimes very expensive) things on a regular basis. I will also buy things she says she needs and then she won’t use them or will let me know she doesn’t like them after the tags have been removed.

I’ve tried polite conversations, nagging, shouting, removal of tech items including her phone. I’ve had other family members speak to her as well so she can appreciate I’m not the only one who thinks it is important to look after things.

When she’d broken zippers on THREE rucksacks in a row in the space of less than six weeks, I made her keep using the broken one until the new one was delivered which took a couple of weeks. I even made her pay the money back when she broke a particularly expensive item worth 200 a few weeks ago through inexplicable carelessness. I think if she seemed apologetic or contrite, it wouldn’t be as bad, but she just says there is no point in getting upset about it as it makes no difference.

Now she has no money but continues to break things. If anything she has nothing to lose since I can’t ask her to pay any money as she spends through it quickly and this was depleted by the very expensive item.

It definitely isn’t deliberate damage. It is accidental and through carelessness as she manhandles items but the frequency and the extent of the damage renders items unusable. I’m surprised her phone still works, the amount it has been abused.

I am getting very frustrated at spending out on things which get broken, lost or which she decides she doesn’t want. Mostly it is her own things that get broken but she has also broken some household items used by all of us, through not following instructions or manhandling them.

I appreciate all of these things do happen sometimes with children but we are talking a weekly basis and the financial consequences are dire. Yesterday she broke an expensive household item I told her not to handle. The previous week she broke a toaster because she keeps putting things in it I’ve told her not to insert. The week before that she asked me to pay to attend an event (think cinema or something like that) and met up with her friends and didn’t do the activity that I’d paid for, at her request.

If anyone has encountered this issue at this age or has some constructive suggestions, I’d be very grateful. I feel like I’ve tried talking, natural consequences and punishments and none of them seem to be working, so I am fresh out of ideas.

Simple.... stop buying her stuff. If she breaks anything she pays to replace it.

It isn’t so simple unfortunately as she breaks things she needs for school as well - think textbooks, bus pass, school bag, laptop, etc. I am not sure if you read my post fully as you should see I did make her pay but now she doesn’t have any money to pay. We have a rule at the start of the school year one missing/broken item I will replace a term and after that it’s down to her. She’s been forced to pay for a lot of things and now doesn’t have any money left!

Does she not care, or is she for example dyspraxic and (to some extent) cannot help it?

If she 'can't help it' then you may need a different approach:

• show her how to do zips etc and how not to break them
• agree not buying expensive things for her because you both know they will get broken
• she is not to touch certain household expensive items

She is allowed to be dyspraxic, but needs to take 'ownership' of that to reduce number of accidents.

Actually that is a good approach even if she is just being careless.

She may also pretend not to care to save face.

Thanks. This is a helpful response. I don’t think she’s dyspraxic. I’ve known other people who are dyspraxic and she seems more careless than lacking in coordination if that makes sense.

I have taken the approach that we all lose/break things sometimes. Each term I will replace the first item, no questions asked. After that, she replaces the item. This worked well until she started breaking more expensive items. Now she knows she can’t pay for it and that I will have to, so seems to just care less.

I agree with you about certain purchases. For things like outings with her friends I’ve refused to pay anymore as I can’t trust her. With clothes she will be asked repeatedly if items fit and they are ok, then we take the tags off and she will decide she doesn’t like them and then they can’t be returned. I’ve decided not to buy non-essential clothes for her anymore.

Where the challenge lies is with breakages and losses of essential items or where she ignores direct instructions not to use certain household items or doesn’t follow my instructions on how to use them.

I know this sounds like a first world problem but we are on a tight budget and she seems to have no appreciation of it. Even after breaking the three bags in barely any time at all (I paid for first two and then made her pay for the third one), it wasn’t long before another one broke but a family member felt sorry for her and just replaced it. She tends to put too many things in a bag and I’ve explained this to her and even stopped her when I’ve seen too much going in but when my back is turned she does what she wants.

Currently she also has broken drawers in her wardrobe because she has forced too many items inside. We have about four household items which need to be repaired and replaced currently which I cannot afford to do so at the moment.

And these replacements are needed because she broke them.

Giving her allowance may stop this behaviour. Make it her problem not yours.

She gets money and has been made to replace things to the point she has no money left and it becomes my problem when it’s essential items for her and household items we all use…

My friend used gaffer tape to mend anything ruined by being careless.She chopped the plugs off toasters etc and put a gaffer tape x on things. She also stapled the school badge onto a blazer pocket and hemmed a new skirt that had somehow got ruined on the second day
of school with her trusty stapler.
It worked really well as gaffer tape and stapled clothes
were not the look her daughter was after. Stapled clothes worked really well as they must have been so uncomfortable.
Both my friend and her daughter look back and smile now

My son is neurodivergent and often breaks/loses things through both carelessness, through temper and through lack of co-ordination (ADHD, autism and dyspraxia).

We take the perspective that whatever the cause, except for the most genuine of accidents, he is responsible for breakages one way or the other.
We handle it by:

• only allowing him to own items that are within his ability to replace or be responsible for, wherever it's possible. He has a brick phone, a cheap rucksack, no expensive clothes or shoes or tech. We don't think it's fair on him to make him responsible for things he's not yet able to manage.
• if he breaks something through carelessness or deliberately, either he replaces it or we find an alternative way to manage.
• if something needs replacing, we may replace it but we will but we take a portion of the money from trips/activities/treats that we otherwise would have spent on him. Alternatively he may do extra chores to earn the money to give back to us.
• Similarly, if he deliberately missed an activity we'd paid for, we simply wouldn't be paying for him to do the next one. We'd skip it, and may pay for the next one or would ask him to pay for the next one himself depending on how much we felt he was growing in responsibility

I don't think she'll learn the value of money unless you teach her, and whilst there are some exceptions, there's usually alot you can do each time something gets missed/broken/spoiled - it's just hard!

It sounds really excessive to break and lose that many things. Maybe see the GP too as it does seem to be much more than most 16 year olds. Maybe you need to stop pocket money / allowance. Try not to replace anything she breaks unless absolutely needed. Might need to use a carrier bag rather than a backpack for instance. I know that won’t look great for her but there are consequences. She needs to take those consequences not you because she’s “run out of money”. I’ve heard it’s hard for teenagers to get jobs but can she do any jobs for relatives to earn money to pay you to replace things? Sit down and have a conversation about it more along the lines of “X is a problem” and “what is the solution?” / “what do you need?” - encourage her to take her time with things? Make a list or contact with her in terms of things that she agrees to do. “I will not put too many things in my backpack” etc. Add something you agree to. “Pocket money / allowance reinstated after a certain period of time with no losses or damages” etc. Both of you sign and date the contact. Difficult one but very frustrating. It’s not very good that she’s not apologetic at all. Do you need to make her care more about by increasing the consequences in some way. Just some ideas anyway. Good luck. I hope the situation improves!