Return from uni

[Trixie2012]

Hi , I don’t know if anyone can relate to this , my dd is home from uni for the summer & she’s a nightmare . I know adjusting from independence for a while is hard but it’s also hard on us parents
shes our only child we had a holiday but all she done was moan & demand , when she’s home she’s up all night talking on the phone asleep most of the day ( ok she’s a teen )
she’s been back to uni for a week to finish her tenancy and see friends who are working but have tenancies finishing later and moving into house share .
She has been going out seeing friends clubbing etc but when she’s at home she’s stroppy , doesn’t help with chores and says she hates our house .
Its really getting me down we had a huge row last night & I told her if she doesn’t like living at home she can leave but if she’s staying I expect her to contribute she can’t find a job so it’s the least she can do to help out

Anyone else experiencing this ? I just want a peaceful life

It’s very common. They get used to their independence and can get a bit too big for their boots.
Not unreasonable at all for you to have words with her and expect her to pull her weight. Probably best to have a chat when you’re both calm though - tell her you understand it’s a culture shock to be back home but she’s a young adult and if she wants to stay she needs to grow up and treat you /your home with respect.

Never had this - both of mine worked al summer, without a holiday, and never complained.

She sounds like a brat. Our kids were always thrilled to be home for a bit - luxurious, clean bathrooms, free laundry, fridge full of food, friends from school to catch up with.

I never cared about them sleeping at weird times, but if they’d come home even remotely obnoxious they’d have got extremely short shrift.

It won’t comfort you to know that this exact thread comes up every year - often!

It is obviously a shock - after a year of total freedom away from parental scrutiny - to return home, to your childhood bedroom (knowing you can’t have your boyfriend / girlfriend camping out in your room for three weeks without a public outcry) and have to live with people who don’t feel ordering a kebab at 3.am is ideal behaviour …

And of course if she hasn’t found a job she’ll have run out of money (unless you’re giving an allowance) which is bound to put anyone out of sorts.

All that with an as yet not fully developed brain …

Truthfully you have to feel sorry for her …

I agree with @fridaynightbeers and @GhastlyGoodTaste

This is really common.
It is a MASSIVE adjustment for them to be independent and be doing what they want, when they want, including eating and sleeping when they want for a year, to then come home and have us parents expect them still to be our child and just to slip back into that role.

No help to you, other than to reassure it is is very very common at different levels.

Please don’t call my daughter a brat , it’s nice that you have perfect kids 🤔

Thankyou , you hit the nail on the head , I try to be patient and understanding but it’s hard , have to say she was really helpful today and helped me to clean , initially she wasn’t keen but I think after a few weeks at home she might be starting to understand that we all contribute

This is so familiar! The first summer my DD came home from uni she was, honestly, a nightmare. I’d missed her so much but by the end of the summer her dad, her sister and I were all counting the days top she went back (sort of joking). She was oh so grown up now and lectured us constantly on everything to how to load the dishwasher properly to how we were parenting her sister. I honestly think she was just trying to assert her independence and didn’t want to be put back in the “child” role just because she was back. She’s now in her third year and completely back to normal and can even laugh at how ridiculous she was that first summer. Let as much of it go over your head as you can, put your foot down when you need to. She’ll go back to normal eventually! x

Thankyou for your reassurance that this is pretty normal , it’s almost like she’s trying to run the house hold . Hopefully she will mature like your daughter did .

Maybe when you’re both calm ask her what her plans are for the rest of the Summer. Do they include work and travel? If she’s home all summer could she cook once or twice a week?

My DS isn’t doing much housework but he has done some decorating and gardening. Is there anything in the house that she enjoys doing or at least is a bit less resistant to?

To be honest over all she doesn’t mind helping to clean the house but it’s the initial thought and getting motivated . I think sometimes yp take us for granted when they come home
when I’ve picked her from uni her room was spotless nothing out of place it’s the way she is
The cooking once a week sounds like a good idea
she has been going out and meeting her school friends she’s got BBQ’s planned and a concert she has applied for jobs but hasn’t had any luck shes also asked neighbours they need a baby sitter she’s around

Thankyou

When did she start applying for jobs? If it was only once she returned then she needs some guidance on planning and organisation. Even when I was an undergraduate in the 80’s I had to sort out my holiday temping long before the end of term.

What’s she studying? No mini-placements / internships, or alternatively her own creative or business start-up ventures? The recent undergrad in our family divided their uni vacations between almost full time casual work and working on projects relevant to their course and future plans.

I agree about applying for jobs so much earlier. We have temps working with us sometimes and the recruitment process is around 2 months due to all of the background checks they have to have. We do still have students work with us but they’ve applied long ago.

Does she struggle to get motivated in other areas?

uni is just such a whirl of social life - I mean - you go from friends on tap from the minute you open your eyes, behaving however you like, always someone up to chat at 1am, only people your age - I just loved uni so much and still as an adult miss all that - !

I remember feeling SO depressed to be back at my mums - lonely, sad, down - reality felt so bleak and sad.

Ds20 (end of year 2) is a lot better than DS18 (just done A levels). I think DS after 2 years away appreciates home comforts, whereas younger brother takes stuff for granted.

DC1 is also at the end of the second year at Uni. He does struggle with motivation, but has ADHD) but still had done some tasks yesterday and I came home to a lovely meal.

I think after two years in Uni he appreciates a clean home and full fridge

Uni summers are long. I think it can feel quite directionless without a job. My DS is home from uni and is working - he does kind of resent working because he wants to have a break, but it does give him structure (and money of course!). She might still be able to get a job?

My daughter did a very full on dance degree and lived very independently when at uni. When she came home she was exhausted and spent the majority of the first couple of weeks in bed and I hardly saw her! I think they come home and think 'that's it I don't have to worry about keeping my room clean, going food shopping, paying bills etc as well as uni work'. They are fledgling adults so cutting a bit of slack for the first couple of weeks worked for us - but after that they need to start taking some responsibility and realise they need to contribute to the household.

I hear you we had this at Xmas and Easter and I was dreading the summer but actually she has been ok.

I don’t do her washing anymore, she has to do it. I expect her to walk the dog and to help with lifts for her brother. Any rudeness is clamped down on immediately and I ask her to cook a couple of times a week but tell her exactly what to and how to do it.

she has struggled with a job but I haven’t given her any money, she’s babysitting, doing a bit of tutoring and was working at a sports after school club an hour a week and they’ve now offered her a job at their summer camp THANK GOD

we have had a bit of I wish I was back at uni it’s so boring here but overall it is ok. I’ll be perfectly happy for her to go back though

No. Can't relate. My experience is that absence made the heart grow fonder!

It feels like a step backwards even though it isn't. It reminds you of all the things you left. I am glad you called her out on her behaviour and told her there is an alternative.

We actually found that Ds's were glad of the dishwasher, the laundry facilities close by and available without checking an app or costing money. Someone else doing the meal planning and shopping for food as all of that takes a massive mental load off them. They do cook family dinners but did that before they went anyway.

It is a big adjustment the first time and they are home for months too over summers. Ds2 was finished and picked up 7th June and starts back 6th October! It does come up every year on MN and it is an adjustment for both the child and the parents.

I didn’t make my DS “contribute”. I just treated him as an adult guest. He did his own meals and washing and organised his own time. Respect them and they respect you back, I find.

It seems like everyone on mumsnet has their DCs sweeping chimneys from 12, but I'm not convinced there are employers queueing up to employ people for 2 months now.

There may be more temporary roles available in very touristy areas (but even then I suspect many companies will have reduced hiring due to the national insurance rise).

Ime most students try to secure an internship/work experience relevant to the field they want to go into in the summer after second year. These are harder to come by at first year stage.

Definitely seeing that here too. Mine's been looking for work since April with no luck.

Lol. Exactly. I went back only one summer and the old dears brought me to work on the field. That summer in the village lasted only a week. I packed, went back to the city, worked the rest of the summer in a Chinese restaurant and have never been back 30 years later.