When to let teenager organise own time

[Oscarcatmum]

My dd is a mature 13 and wants me to leave her alone over the summer, but she doesn't organise anything with her friends and says they're all on holiday ( which seems to be the case). I work from home and can be flexible with holiday so find I'm constantly feeling like i have to suggest activities. She says no to most suggestions and just seems happy at home on her phone or computer. I just feel like she should be filling her time with more social, and outdoor activities. At what age do you just let them live their life how they want?

When's your holiday? Maybe she can start planing that? Lists of what she would like to do etc.

I think it was the summer before high-school. I'm in a similar situation in that I work from home and can be flexible. DD is now 14.

I let her sort her down time, occasionally I suggest something if she's bored. When she was a bit younger she hated organising stuff with her friends directly - fear of rejection maybe. So she'd tell me to organise it with the parents. She's better at sorting her own plans out now, but still won't invite people to ours herself.

She's asked to do a summer school dance camp, which lasts a week and will keep her busy. But mostly she'll vegetate in her room on her phone or laptop, read, do school work - homework over the holidays, go in the garden to vegetate on her phone or read there, practice dancing, cook, bake, go into town with friends, video call with friends, meet up at the park/someone's house with anyone who's not on holiday. She also tends to challenge herself to learn new skills - examples from previous years are Spanish on dulingo, backbends, cartwheels, splits, knitting, rollerskating, skateboarding. Some are more successful than others!

But I would say that over 50% of the time is spent vegetating 🤣

At 13 I would leave her to it.

Thanks ladies. She's currently upstairs vegetating in her room. She seems perfectly happy. Its me that has the problem it seems!

I haven’t organised my kids social lives since about year 5. They have to get on with things themselves!

How do we stop them spending hour after hour on screen based devices? Between phone, switch and TV, I swear mine would never move. Is 13 too old to limit screen time in holidays?

No it's not too old if it's needed

I had a chat with mine a few years ago, explained that I wanted her to be reasonably healthy, and that does involve moving about a bit and seeing daylight from time to time. Told her that I wasn't going to allow her to rot in bed every day for six weeks. So she had a choice between me putting very tight limits on her phone or her finding a reasonable balance. I don't make idle threats, I'm generally very easy going, I like the phrase "benign neglect", but I'm very strict if I feel it's needed - I would absolutely limit her phone use to the stone age if she ignored me 🤣 She hates feeling controlled by us, thrives with independence and responsibility so she found a good balance that we can all live with. I mean some days, she barely moves from various screens. But other days she's full of doing stuff. Over a week it evens out, I think!

sorry but I would absolutely not leave a 13 year old to spend all day on a screen.

I can't believe anyone would think its' too old ! nobody - of any age! - should spend weeks on end staring at a screen in their room.

I have a 13 year old = he would get up and start gaming immediatley if he could - and it would absolutely limit his energy or focus for other things.

I don't know ANY perfect answer to this! But we have to accept how 'easy' and addictive it is to rot away indoors scrolling tik tok/snapchat/youtube or gaming. That absolutely does not mean that it being 'easy' - equals 'good for them or even really relaxing - or even really what they will enjoy, it's just easy!

Just as we would tell a loved one - an adult! - that it was too much.

So - I tell my 13 year old he has to see friends or go out - he knows that is the rule. Your daughter will have an individual personality and work with it - sit her down and say look you can have X hours gaming - or don't have to be dressed until X hour, can slob about.

But - I lean towards sayiing no gaming until after thye have been out.

Make her fill in a calednar with ideas/ thoughts - come up with simple rules - and just make her make plans!

My son moans but he does make plans because he knows othrwise he wont get to game.

I was just about to post a similar thread then saw this one. My two teens would absolutely game all day more or less if I let them. They seem to have lost the ability to amuse themselves indoors without it involving a screen. It’s driving me bonkers actually.

One thing they enjoy is baking but it doesn’t take long and there’s only so many crap cakes we can eat in a week and how much I’m willing to spend on baking ingredients.

I definitely watched a lot of tv in the holidays at their age and I dare say it’s not done me much harm so maybe this is just the modern equivalent.

I was just about to post a similar thread then saw this one. My two teens would absolutely game all day more or less if I let them. They seem to have lost the ability to amuse themselves indoors without it involving a screen. It’s driving me bonkers actually.

One thing they enjoy is baking but it doesn’t take long and there’s only so many crap cakes we can eat in a week and how much I’m willing to spend on baking ingredients.

I definitely watched a lot of tv in the holidays at their age and I dare say it’s not done me much harm so maybe this is just the modern equivalent.

I was just about to post a similar thread then saw this one. My two teens would absolutely game all day more or less if I let them. They seem to have lost the ability to amuse themselves indoors without it involving a screen. It’s driving me bonkers actually.

One thing they enjoy is baking but it doesn’t take long and there’s only so many crap cakes we can eat in a week and how much I’m willing to spend on baking ingredients.

I definitely watched a lot of tv in the holidays at their age and I dare say it’s not done me much harm so maybe this is just the modern equivalent.

I was just about to post a similar thread then saw this one. My two teens would absolutely game all day more or less if I let them. They seem to have lost the ability to amuse themselves indoors without it involving a screen. It’s driving me bonkers actually.

One thing they enjoy is baking but it doesn’t take long and there’s only so many crap cakes we can eat in a week and how much I’m willing to spend on baking ingredients.

I definitely watched a lot of tv in the holidays at their age and I dare say it’s not done me much harm so maybe this is just the modern equivalent.

I wouldn’t be organising her time but I would be having screen time limits still at 13, especially for smartphone/social media use which is hard for adults to control, let alone a teenager. It’s deliberately addictive and we know it’s damaging, and you wouldn’t let your teen have unfettered access to anything else that was damaging and addictive.