At one point do you just let them get on with it?

[Loafbeginsat60]

Ds(16) is about driving me mad.

He's a great kid, intelligent, does well at school and has just started a summer job.

But Oh my goodness - he just doesn't listen / act on advice.

He's getting spotty so I bought him cleanser, toner, spot cream and moisturiser about a year ago. Every single day I have to remind him to use it! Every day! Sometimes he lies about having used it and I can tell he hasn't by the state of his skin.

It's the same with everything - "you need to clean your ears DS" it doesn't happen unless I remind and remind.
We have cracked teeth, deodorant and showering, but that's about it - after years of nagging.

He will put washing on and then leave it wet in the machine, doesn't change his bed until I literally start dragging the sheets off. Last week I put fresh bedding in his room and it was still there 4 days later.

I've got to the point where I now think, sod it, just get manky and spotty and deal with it yourself. Don't drink water, eat crap if you want and feel terrible - see if I care?

But I do care and it's actually killing our relationship because I get so annoyed about constantly chasing him up for basic things. I have a 13yo DD and she's fine doing all these things independently!

Wwyd?!

He’s 16. Leave it up to him. Drop the rope a bit, he’ll be fine.

Skin - leave him to it. Also I don’t think you can say you know he isn’t using it because of the state of his skin. I was a very spotty teenager and used every cleanser and spot cream etc under the sun. My mum saying “I can tell you aren’t using it because your skin is still bad” wouldn’t have helped.

washing left in the machine - not ok, because it inconveniences everyone else. But I wouldn’t have let it get to 4 days. I’d have asked once or twice, then dumped the wet stuff on his bed because I needed the machine. He can do with that what he likes.

I absolutely would never have nagged my kids about spots. I feel really uncomfortable with the idea - it feels like saying 'you have this flaw you have to fix it'. Discuss it? Yes sure, offer to buy them skincare, take them to the GP, absolutely but to get on at them about it? No way.

Leaving wet washing in the machine is definitely worth nagging as presumably other people need to use it. But I suppose if nagging isn't working you can dump it out and let him deal with the results.

I just would remind about other stuff (drinking water, bedding) rather than get locked into battle about it.

You do need to step back on some stuff.

some of this is actually important - cleaning teeth.

most of the rest of it is not.

my DD is 24. She still only does her washing when she’s run out of stuff to wear. It bloody annoys me but she likes the system and actively chooses it.

detach.

I agree with other posters - step back OP and try not to let this bother you. Especially the spot thing - at the end of the day this is completely up to him.

Teeth and being smelly, definitely ok to intervene. The rest? Leave him to it. Lots of teen boys (not all) go through a revolting phase.

Thanks all - I guess I needed to hear that.

The skin thing- it clears up beautifully when he's using the toner - he just can't be bothered so it's not like it can't be fixed.

He also can't eat salt and vinegar crisps as it really breaks him out (and me) but guess what...

I will step back then. I'm glad I posted

I wouldn’t nag. Unless (I hate that everyone has to preface with this) he has certain learning issues or autism etc, then he knows what he needs to do and if he chooses not to then leave it. All your nagging hasn’t done much good up to now anyway.
While my DS was always pretty clean and good with self care, I think his first girlfriend (at 15), drummed into him the importance of a good skin routine and oral care etc. Since then he has always gone to the dentist every six month, uses moisturisers, changed his bed (could he more diligent with that but no GF currently) and his clothes are immaculate.

Natural consequences. At 16 it’s his choice if he wants to fix his skin or not. My 16 yr old has a bit of acne, also some eczema, he’s got all the creams but doesn’t always use them, it’s his choice and he has to live with the results. He has also been desperate for a haircut for weeks but only just decided to book it, yes it drives me mad but it’s his hair and his decision. Annoying but a normal part of growing up and learning to think for yourself.

Perhaps he needs antibiotics/tablets fir his skin? I would take him to the GP

The skin thing- it clears up beautifully when he's using the toner - he just can't be bothered so it's not like it can't be fixed.
But he obviously knows this and is choosing not to do it. So maybe he doesn’t care about having spots,
I get why you do, but probably you need to ask yourself why do i care if he’s got spots to the point of nagging in and damaging our relationship, if he doesn’t? And if I had spots would I want someone to keep telling me to wash my face? Would that help?

it is hard to know when to stand back. Maybe figure out what your hard lines are (eg showering, not leaving washing in the machine that impacts everyone else) and then let the other stuff go. It would be good to run over what you’re nagging him on and what really needs to happen.
also try replace some of the nagging with compliments (also for dd, don’t let her just be a woman who looks after herself and does her chores and it’s just expected of her, while ds is complimented for minor things)

But if he cleans his skin and it clears up, he doesn’t need antibiotics!

I dropped the rope with my son too. In my experience he got to 18 before he became a bit more aware of stuff. I wash and dry his sheets but only if he puts them in the wash basket. I gritted my teeth for 6 weeks and then one of his sisters walked past his room and said THAT STINKS!

The skin thing has actually happened this week if you can believe it! I looked at him the other day and said why does your skin look do good? Yep. Face wash.

I would drop the rope but I would have a serious conversation with him first, telling him that's what I was going to do. If he wants to go out with smelly breath and a spotty face and dirty clothes, then that's up to him, but he needs to really think about whether he'd have any friends, let alone girl/boyfriends as a result.

Thanks all. No the skin thing isn't antibiotic worthy - just needs to be cleaned properly.

I might get him some skin vitamin gummies - who doesn't like a chewy sweet!

Today I ordered more toner and cotton pads and will leave it in his room with the gummies and if he doesn't use it; so be it.

OP it feels like you are assuming what he needs/whats, rather than talking to him. As a teen, if my mum presumed anything (even if it was right for me) I dug my heels it. Bed changing was a prime example for me too lol. I've grown up to change my bedding regularly - it didn't leave lasting damage.

And, imagine your son bought you weight loss herbal tablets without talking to you about it - how would that make you feel? Like you were fat and it would make you feel crappy. Potentially this is what he's feeling.

You son looks in a mirror. He knows his skin has break outs.

When I was that age and my mum talked to me about spots, I actually found it really upsetting and self-conscious. He doesn't need his mum buying him cotton pads and toner and (in his eyes) telling him he has bad skin.

Just leave him be.

Overbearing.

If he's not using the toner, does he need more of it? If it's runout he must be using it. If he isn't, more will just be more ' stuff' in his room. I mean blimey I'm lucky if I get my teen boys to wash their face with soap! (My DS has lovely clear skin and is convinced it's his ' beauty regime' of chucking cold water on his face in the morning!)

None of these things are worth poisoning your relationship over.

If the bed matters I'd probably crack and change the bedding myself.

wet laundry - that's something he has to do as it's part of wider family house work

his skin, leave him alone he's nearly an adult.

I bought some face wash that works when my DS is showering, I just put it in the shower area and he uses it daily. At that age I think you need to just make it simple, and this seems to work. Maybe it’s the brand? They can be funny about that as my youngest also uses stuff from “the ordinary” that he got for Christmas. Maybe see what brands appeal to him? If you can be faffed!!

I backed off from my DS rooms at about 13+ I did still keep an eye on bedding washing and would grab it on a sunny day, but otherwise skin care etc it’s really up to him now. They do come out of it the other side, I have a 21 year old that spends hours grooming.

https://noli.com/brand/shop/cerave?_gl=1enu3e1_upMQ.._gs*MQ..&gclid=CjwKCAjw7MLDBhAuEiwAIeXGIfWoMP48Tjvvh5aINFk9_zvPuR824C6jlTDS9n9eiwXXAPOKkUQr7hoCBlwQAvD_BwE&gbraid=0AAAAA9ipoNh-zybrO2ujHTkjJru7Wzo6-

Pretty much my default approach is to let them get on with it unless I have serious concerns or it's impacting on others.

And then I'd approach (concerns) like - are you OK? What's going on with this? Can we support/do you need help? I do also tend to have an outlook that very very few things will actually ruin your entire life forever and even the "disastrous" things often aren't insurmountable. Possibly the fact I had my eldest when I was 20 feeds into this, and I would never consider him as having "ruined" anything, but I do also appreciate that we are fortunate in that nothing really very dramatic has ever come up (touch wood).

Impacting on others - I would mediate if it wasn't me it was impacting on, or set some kind of clear boundary e.g. if you're going to use the washing machine it needs to be emptied promptly (with some understanding over this given that I am also not perfect at emptying the machine on time). Easier now that we have a tumble dryer. We can usually come to a mutually agreeable solution, but I am quite laid back.

It helps IME - trying to make someone do something never really goes down well, and teenagers are even more primed towards reactance which is the sort of knee-jerk rejection and kick back against any direct instruction/suggestion made esp by a parent.

Sorry meant to say comparing to your DD isn’t very kind at all, I hope that’s not obvious to him.