How to stop absorbing teens feelings?

[Everythingwillbok]

DD14 is going through this challenge time of puberty. She is a bit moody and down a times but in general a good girl, respectful, polite. Her mood is up and down.

I noticed I have been absorbing her feelings; if she is anxious I feel anxious and worry; if she is happy and relaxed I feel better.

How do I stop this pattern? I want to be there to offer love, support, guidance but I don’t want to be absorbed/debilitated by it.

I do this too, my mood is determined by my children! Would love to learn how to separate them

Found this article

medium.com/@lori_86546/help-im-absorbing-my-kid-s-feelings-73dbb286c98b

I think this is quite normal and the saying ‘you are only ever as happy as your unhappiest child’ holds true.

It is quite debilitating. I want to be there for my kids, be strong, love them, guide them and respect their own process. I need to stop absorbing their feelings, I still want to notice them soI can support when need it.

I think it comes from that connection we have through the umbilical cord. I don’t think fathers feel the same way.

Same. I wish I knew the answer.

There is an expression that goes "you are only as happy as your unhappiest child" and it is so true.

No idea - but would love to know how to separate myself from both my children's emotions. They are 16 and 14 so there are a lot of emotions and I find it exhausting! I'm sure it's not particularly useful for them either!

Anyway, this is a blatant place marking post to see if anyone comes up with anything revelationary. Thanks for starting the post OP - it's one of those things that doesn't get spoken about a lot.

The article is good. I suggest reading it; will start working on it; it is probably not easy but is not healthy carrying their feelings as well as your own.

I actually think I magnify mine’s emotions. I’m an empath anyway. Motherhood just made it worse

There's a subtle difference between feeling your child's feelings and the phrase 'you're only as happy as your unhappiest child'

So for example feeling your child's anxiety as anxiety in yourself isn't helpful or healthy for you.

But seeing that your child is anxious and then in response to that feeling, you feel sad that they're not having an easy time of it, is fine.

Or maybe you see that your child is anxious and you feel your own anxiety about them in response. That's also fine. So now you both feel anxious, but they're anxious about their French test, and you're anxious about their capacity to cope/resilience/long term happiness/mental health/wellbeing

I guess it means that you need to recognise the feeling you're feeling, and then figure out why it's there. Is it's yours or theirs? Is your feeling a mirror of theirs? Or a response to theirs?

Then put it in context. How major is their problem? How much control do you have over any aspect of it? Can you make them pass the French test? Or can you magic away their friendship drama? Is it a thing you can/should solve for them? Are they better of figuring it out themselves? Or do they need support or advice?

Thank you very much. This is very helpful and help put things into context. I feel DD2 does benefit from emotional support and guidance and respond well to it.

I just need to stop overthinking and control my own anxieties, give them the tools to grow up and manage their emotions too.

But seeing that your child is anxious and then in response to that feeling, you feel sad that they're not having an easy time of it, is fine.

That's how it is for me.

Try and remind yourself about what is most useful to your children. Focus on any possible solutions, whether that is being reassuring, calm listener or something more proactive. Helps me change my mindset to focus on this.

For me is 3 I think. When my child is anxious, sad, worry, my own anxiety escalates; but yes we are worried about different things.