Hi
I’m not even sure how to begin this, but I’m hoping someone here has been through something similar. I’m looking for advice, support, or even just space to feel what I’m feeling.
I’m an autistic and physically disabled mum to two girls (13 and 11). My partner of 10 years was recently diagnosed as autistic too, and communication can be hard in our home. For all of us.
One of the biggest ways I struggle is with tone of voice and social nuance. I often sound “in a mood” even when I’m not, and I’ve only recently realised how that might seem for my daughters. I sometimes ask questions that sound like accusations - not because I’m angry, but because I struggle to phrase things the “right” way out loud. If it were written down, there’d be a question mark - but when I say it, it can come across as an accusation.
This week, my daughters told me (completely out of the blue) that they’d written letters saying they want to live with their dad full-time and only see me at the weekend, because I’m “always in a mood” and accuse them of things. I was blindsided. I had no idea this was how they’d been feeling.
I feel absolutely crushed. I love my girls so deeply. I’m not perfect, but I’ve tried so hard to build a safe, loving home for them, especially because I grew up without a mum myself. I’ve given them everything I wished I’d had.
I've been sensing something has been off for a while - they've been quiet and looked unhappy to other people too. So much so that we have been on a waiting list for "family cohesion" sessions with my domestic abuse support worker. Their dad has been cruel to me ever since I was pregnant. We have been to court previously because every few years when something isn't going right with his job, finances or relationship he starts causing chaos for me. Most recently it was getting the girls to put Bluetooth trackers in my partners bag before we went to my sisters wedding, so that he knew where we were and called 999 saying I was holding them hostage. Thankfully he got the wrong weekend and we had only been at her house out of town.
Worse still, their dad has now made a C100 application, claiming I’m holding them here against their will and he wants to limit contact to every other weekend. I only found out about the urgent hearing (which happened this Monday) on the Friday before. The judge was not impressed with his manipulation of the system, and ordered mediation, though I know from previous MIAMs that it’s likely not suitable. I get legal aid due to previous domestic abuse and post-separation abuse. The last prohibited steps order ran until my youngest started school as handovers were meant to be done at school. I am applying for another one on the back of this- due to the tracker incident and him being caught on camera outside discussing court proceedings with my neighbour - and have been told it will probably be successful, but that cafcass will most likely be doing a section 7/wishes and feelings.
Their dad has a long history of involving the girls in adult matters. I’ve always tried to protect them from that. So they get a one sided view where I'm the villain. They have always seen through his lies, but now he's twisted it so it's more about the arrangements not working. They’re repeating his words and telling me how unhappy they are going back and forth. When I asked what had led to them no longer wishing to sodnd as much time with me, they at first said "50/50 isn't working" and "it's ok"... "we'll just see you at weekends". I’ve since gently told them how hurt I am, and that what they’re asking for is a big decision. That's when they said it was about my "mood swings" and their dad says I'm "crazy". I wouldn't mind - last time he took me to court he demanded a mental health report which came back fine. Yet on his new application he has called me paranoid and delusional. It doesn't bother me when he says it - the fact my (usually) kindhearted and loving children are saying it has broken my heart.
They’ve also said they want to live at his during the week, and come here on weekends - because we “do more on weekends.” My partner and my sister are both appalled, seeing it as them treating my home like a holiday camp, where they appreciate none of the unseen parenting I do in the week, and they want all the fun - but I can also see how from a child’s point of view, how that might make sense.
Right now I do everything for them, including running around to make co-parenting easier despite being a wheelchair user with no transport. I’ve never asked their dad for money. He’s paid £10 in dinner money in their whole school lives, and that was right before he filed the court application. He’s on benefits for both girls, which I’ve never disputed because I didn’t need the money and didn’t want more conflict. He doesn’t buy clothes, toiletries, or school supplies. The girls often come here for clean uniforms, snacks, deodorant - the basics he should have at home.
Now people are telling me:
... Stop paying for their phones. Stop giving them spending money. Stop buying clothes, hair highlights, badminton courts, swimming, skating, archery. Every school trip and activity. Stop making costumes last minute. Stop going to every play, meeting, event. Let their dad handle it. Take back the bigger bedroom. Show them what choosing to live there will really mean - see if they want him to do the majority of parenting. Parenting for him at the moment is stopping them from bickering between rounds of games on his PC, while his girlfriend does all the cooking and running them to school.
But I’m terrified. Won’t that just push them further away? Won’t they feel like I’m punishing them for being honest? I feel like this is a trap - if I continue doing everything, I feel used and invisible. If I stop, I feel like the “bad guy” confirming what their dad says about me.
I genuinely don’t know how to function right now.
I’m so sad.
I feel unwanted in my own children’s lives.
I feel like I’ve lost the chance to be the kind of mum I never had.
And I’m afraid this will damage our bond forever.
I’ve never been away from them for more than a few days in their entire lives, and the idea of seeing them just 4 days a month is making me feel like I don’t want to wake up tomorrow.
Has anyone else been through something like this?
How do you survive it?
Does the relationship ever heal?
Thank you if you’ve read this far.