Ditched by friend

[Mumoflondon]

Last day of term. DD (14) has just been dumped by friend - her only friend at school. She got a snap along the lines of “I don’t think we should be best friends anymore, we have different personalities”. I’m heartbroken for her. She hasn’t found it easy to make friends at school and everyone else seems to be paired off or in groups. She hasn’t found friends outside school but in school she just doesn’t seem to manage it. How can I help her navigate this?

My heart breaks for your daughter. Is she doing any summer camps? Have you friends who have teenagers?

This happens a lot with teenage girls. Tell her that her friend finishing the friendship is not because she did anything wrong but sometimes as people get older they go in different directions and have different directions.

Did you mean she has friends outside of school? If so, encourage her to focus on those for now, especially in school holidays.

@Wayk Thanks. She’s doing the odd day activity but she lacks a bit of confidence and won’t just have a go at things. I’d like her to try an acting/singing camp but wild horses can’t drag her. Unfortunately I don’t have any teenage mum friends.

@DiscoPig - yes I did. Fat fingers! I’m planning on doing that but I’m dreading her starting year 10 alone. I’m already worrying about bloody prom too!

Rosalind Wiseman wrote a book called Queen Bees and Wannabes. It's a guide for female friendship drama for teens and the parents of teens. I cannot recommend it enough for both you and your daughter to read.

Have the classes all been mixed up for GCSE's yet or will that happen in year 10? When it does everyone's friendship groups all change anyway.

She could try getting involved in student council or other clubs, school plays, sports teams etc. If she is passionate about a particular subject she could ask one of the teachers to start a club to do with that? Talking part in as many activities at school will fill up her time at lunch and break so she wont feel alone, it will help her meet and bond with new friends and as a bonus will look great on UCAS/CV.

You may also want to check with your daughter about online stuff, there may be unfollowing/nasty posts etc from the other girl?

Sending love for you and your dd. If you don't mind me asking where abouts are you based? cause we could set something up with ds 13, if you want x

13-14 is a terrible age poor thing. My daughters both struggled in years 7 and 8 but it did settle down in year 9. Hormones have a lot to answer for. Unfortunately in life I always say to my girls you’re not going to like everyone and not everyone is going to like you. I’d really encourage extra curricular clubs they may be expensive but they’ve been a god send as the girls now have pockets of friends in various places. My youngest undertook a course of cognitive behaviour therapy and it’s changed her perspective in a lot of situations. We now do netball, trampolining and more recently joined a cheer squad. From this they’ve both made great friends. Is she introverted in herself? My youngest has severe resting bitch face she doesn’t mean it but really comes across as standoffish. It’s horrible seeing them sad and I really feel for you as a parent having to experience it. It will get better x

@JustPassingThyme thank you for your words of advice, I’ll have a look at the book. They start GCSEs in year 10, so hopefully there will be some shuffling of friendships. Thinking about it, my most enduring friendships from school were from GCSEs, not my class. She’s very reticent about joining in activities at school, but it’s a bit of a vicious circle - you don’t feel welcome, so don’t go, so aren’t welcome when you do go. She’s yet to learn that you make a lot of friends simply by doing the same activities/ shared experiences.

@AngryAlot123 - great user name. We’re South Berkshire area. Thanks

@BeMellowAquaSquid thankfully she’s involved in a sport outside of school and has friends through that, but of course she does spend most of her life at school. Did you DC do the CBT course on line or face to face? I’m sure learning to reframe things would definitely help.

I met one of my longest friends in our science gsce coursework experiment group. Could you speak to the head of year or her form tutor?
some girls can change so much at this age, I grew apart from my school friends in years 10 and 11, we just became different people and I didn’t fit in anymore! But grew closer to others.

are there any after school clubs run by the school she could join?

@JustPassingThyme and so it came to pass, the blocking of DD on Social Media…..I am slightly angrier about this than she is (although I’m not letting it show).

Ahh, bless your poor daughter. Remind her that her ex-friend acting out on social media says more about the friend than it does about her. It might be a good idea to take a social media break. In general all people are happier when they spend less time on it.

Tell your daughter that the best revenge is to live well. Make the most of the summer to get busy and do as many cool and interesting things she possibly can. Learn a new skill, explore the local area etc. Accomplishing something will give her more confidence and something to talk about with her new friends.

Try to get your daughter to be proactive, work out a game plan with her. For example, if friend ignores you, you do x. If friend makes a mean comment, you do y. Even if 9/10 the plan is to ignore the other girl, at least she will be prepared. Talk her through the worse case scenario, show her how she can cope with it and come out the other side. She will feel better if she has more control of the situation.

It may also be worth talking her through joining a new club, explore what makes her nervous and come up with a strategy. Maybe she and you can set something up where you call her 15 mins in to check in. Or if she is at school, she can suddenly remember she needs to talk to x teacher about homework after 15 mins. Most likely within 15 mins she will have found her feet and be having a great time. But if it's awful and she is having a terrible time she has an early easy escape plan.