I am really frightened for my DS who is 17 and I just don’t know where to turn next. Thought it would be helpful to set out some background and split this very long post into headings! Thank you for reading and any help.
Early Years
He is diagnosed with ADHD – I don’t know if this is a thing, but his diagnosis said he was “severe”. It’s been obvious since he was 3 years old. He is bright and sociable and engaging and that kid that everyone was always drawn to. Everyone knew who he was and wanted to be his friend. The younger kids looked up to him and the older kids adored him. Just full of life and personality. School reports though were consistently “very bright and capable, not achieving his potential”.
The issues with his behaviour were low key and manageable (i.e. never excluded or in serious trouble but was always the class clown and couldn’t sit still) He was moved into top set for maths due to ability but had to be removed as it was only a small group of the most able and he was disruptive. He had a lead singing role in the end of year show and sat exams for grammar school (his tutor said he was one of his brightest students). Then it all spiralled. He never passed his 11plus. His tutor warned us that he didn’t understand why DS had suddenly lost focus but was concerned for his upcoming exams, despite DS having achieved high marks in all the practice papers.
We sent him to a non-selective state school alongside lots of his friends. So, all good. We just assumed he wasn’t ready for that kind of pressure and that was that.
Year 7 was ok. A few meetings with school about behaviour and by the end of the year they suggested we had him diagnosed. From Year 8 onwards it has been an increasing nightmare. Suspended more times that we can count on two hands (swearing, inappropriate language, fights, arguing back rudely with teachers etc.). By Year 9 the head tried to kick him out but didn’t have anything substantive enough to hang his hat on but made it hard for us by constantly putting him in isolation, suspensions etc. By Year 10 he has missed so much school and was so behind that we knew we had to do something or there was no way he would pass his GCSES.
GCSES
So, we took him out of school and sent him to a small private GCSE/A-level college. He was seemingly excited and ready to make a fresh start. Long story short, he started smoking weed, then started selling small amounts, got himself arrested for possession and spent a night in a cell. Then a few weeks later got caught with it at college and was expelled. He was in Year 11 by now. So, our only option at such a late stage was to home school but took the decision to only sit him for Maths and English with the plan to repeat Year 11. The idea was to at least obtain the bare minimum qualifications. Again, he is bright and was predicted minimum Grade 7s. He ended up with two grade 3s. I recalled the papers and could see why. His writing was disgraceful (illegible) and he missed out half the questions – didn’t even bother answering – even though he was 100% able. I say able but he did barely any revision. During this time, it was an uphill battle to stop the weed and smoking. It’s black and white not allowed in the house, anytime we found larger quantities (which was often) we’d confiscate and then have huge melt downs. But he refused to learn from his mistake. He was still buying, smoking and seemingly selling it.
I should mention, we tried various ADHD meds - but they created more problems then support so he remains unmedicated.
Post GCSE
It’s been a year since his GCSE results. After an initial low period of smoking too much, not getting out of bed and obviously very depressed, he found some local work that he loved and that was paying him “honest” money and he seemed to turn a corner and he has, with my help, been applying for apprenticeships. With no qualifications it’s not easy. But he ended up finding a job that then offered him the opportunity to do an apprenticeship. He was thrilled. Until he was sacked for not bothering to tell them when we were on holiday for a week – he told us he did – but he hadn’t. He just didn’t show up. Naturally, he had no job to go back to. His explanation was that he kept leaving it too late to tell them and it became awkward – he knew he’d be sacked anyway if he told them with so little notice, so he just brushed it under the carpet. Unbelievable. He spiralled again after that, but we’ve managed to help him pick up again.
He has now found a college who have some apprenticeships he is interested in. It’s been up and down and some weeks he seems happy, back to his old self. The college interviewed him and said they would take him on and help him find an apprenticeship subject to satisfactory completion of functional skills assessments. He did terribly in the assessments and so they now want him to re do them before offering him a formal place at the college. He is now spiralling again (have no idea if it is related to having to do the assessments which is a trigger for him) but we have found a large quantity of weed again this morning which can only be for one use. He is being intolerable and irrational and demanding it back.
Family Dynamic
He has two younger siblings who he gets on with. He adores the youngest who is only 10. Whilst by DH and I are together we are not getting on and separation is on the cards ( not related to DS). DS can’t stand his dad, refuses to speak to him. DH not done anything in particular – I think it’s more of a clash of personalities and DS feels heavily judged and so in the past couple of years they have not been close, and DS refuses to engage with him. He will sit at the dinner table at my insistence.
DH attitude to all this is we should have forced him back into education and if he is not working then we are entitled to kick him out. When he has come home stinking of weed or it’s found on him DH would happily turf him out and let him sleep on a park bench. He wants DS to have a curfew and to not be allowed back in the house if he exceeds it.
I am close to DS, and he still hugs and kisses me (comes to kiss me every morning when he wakes up and when he gets home), tells me he loves me BUT is a nightmare to manage. It is obvious he is not himself. That he is depressed, lacking in self-esteem that he used to have in abundance and is out so much to escape the obvious pain he is in. I am doing my best to keep my relationship as non-judgemental and supportive as possible whilst maintaining boundaries. So, whilst he stays out all night often, he picks up when I call, messages me if he will be out late etc. and I need to hold on to that right now. He knows that bringing weed into the house especially in large quantities is a red line – if it’s found it’s taken away regardless of what it costs. He’s not allowed to swear at home and certainly would never tolerate it to either me or DH (and he has respected that). I cook for DS and wash his clothes and try to make his home a place he always wants to come back to. I feel that is important for every kid especially when they are struggling.
My message to him is consistently “I love you, I am proud of you, I acknowledge things have been hard. I will back off you and allow you to make your own independent choices in life as an adult and I will support you. I won’t interfere unless you ask for my help and I will always be here to help. And whatever happens, however bad things get this is always your home”
Professional input
We have taken professional advice from at least three therapists now (One is an ADHD coach, two are from our church) and this is what they have unanimously said the message to DS must be. They said our son is suffering with trauma and needs love. That if we put too much pressure on or he feels we don’t have his back it will likely get worse. We need to be patient, albeit with clear boundaries, whilst he finds his way. DH is very cynical about this approach and does not agree with it. He may be right – I have no real idea. I am scrambling around in the dark, but I fee l we had better err on the side of caution, rather than risk him doing something stupid.
But it is so hard to watch him destroy his life like this. I just don’t know what else to do. I’d love him to have therapy, but he refuses it. I wonder if he needs drugs counselling separately, but he refuses. How do we force that? The local authority have been useless even though he is under 18 and not in work or education. School do not care and give no support. I just don’t know where to turn now or what to do for the best. How long can we keep riding it out?
Any support or advice is welcome.