Help 😭

[Scaredmamma]

I have a 13 year old and I’m really struggling. He has started to be absolutely awful to me and it’s heartbreaking. Like today he’s sent me about 20 messages telling me he doesn’t trust me and I’m a liar and then loads of other messages about not wanting to live with me and wishing he could buy a new mum. It’s so hurtful. I’ve devoted my life to him and always tried to be a good parent. This behaviour usually comes from a screen time ban, being asked to come off his phone, or something to do with money such as on Friday me refusing to give him money to go out as he had spent his £50 monthly pocket money and had done no jobs to earn any money. Yesterday he actually threw his at me purposely and later hit me in the arm (not hard)so he has a social media ban due to that and that is why he is being awful today.
how do you all cope with this behaviour? Do you respond, ignore it? What consequences do you put in place? I know that social media ban isn’t a natural consequence but I always struggle with them and it’s the only thing that has any impact.

please no harsh commments. I’m heart broken and need some support.

With the messages I would ignore the words and respond to the emotion. So "I hate you" gets "I can see you are really angry with me right now". If necessary, follow up with " I know this has made you unhappy but as your parent, it's my job to put in boundaries. You did x, so I did y". It's hard but you need to remember their brains are reorganising themselves. Your job is to stay calm, model managing your emotions and hold the line on consequences.

Physical behaviour to you or damage to property, you put in a further consequence, no messing. "I know you're angry, but that was completely unacceptable. You have now lost your phone for 2 days."

It's a long ride, it's rocky and hurtful at times but they do come out the other side

Thankyou and yes I do do all of this. I did show him how much upset me and I don’t know if that was right or wrong. Yes he know knows how to hurt me but he also needs to learn the effect that words have on people. He is not able to reason or see other people’s point of view at all so I think I probably try too hard to help him to see that then get too entrenched in the back and forth with him and don’t stay as calm as I should. I know times when I am calm it does fizzle down much quicker but then sometimes he just keeps going until he gets a reaction. Teenage parenting is soo hard 😭

I know this sounds like a lot, but is it possible he may be being groomed online, on social media or through one of his games?

If he’s playing games where he can talk to strangers online and his behaviour is getting worse I would be accessing his console/ tablet (when he’s at school without warning him first) and checking he’s not talking to anyone online who is a stranger.

groomers are clever and often try and lure kids away from their family emotionally. it would certainly make sense if this behaviour hasn’t gone on since he was young for years or it’s notched up a bit recently.

online grooming isn’t always sexual.

its is the first thing I thought of. I’m sorry.

If you look up the breck Bednar murder you will see how easily this can happen online to young teens.

No he doesn’t really play those sorts of games. It’s tik tok and snap chat he uses and mainly just watches stupid videos. I do check his phone and we do talk about the dangers of these sites a lot particularly after the boy who died this weekend from the til tok challenge attended the same school as him.

You can talk to strangers on both those apps. Snapchat groomers use especially as it’s all deletable

Yep, completely agree with all of this. We found 12-16 to be the hardest years and from 17 much much better all round. However we didn't have any sort of physical outbursts other than door slamming. I'd come down very hard on physical violence. Is his dad around? I found that having my DH back me up made a difference, and on occasions when DS shouted at me or was particularly rude, my DH stepped in, talked to him 'man to man' and insisted on apologies etc. If you're on your own it's much harder, and getting a good male role model on board would be a positive step.
Good luck.

I've just been through a bumpy period with my son - were not through it at all. I strongly suspect its attention seeking as he's desperate to impress his Dad - he gets pats on the back doing that. But also just life in general seems to put him in a bad mood.

I'm currently reading this https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1788163826?ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_fed_asin_title which I saw reccommended on here. Its really helping me to understand where he is coming from and how I can change my reaction

Yes his dad is around however he doesn’t live with us. He doesn’t behave like this with his dad but I’m the main parent and so there are no demands placed on him at dads. He can use his phone as much as he wants, he doesn’t expect his dad to give him money and the responsibility of the making sure homework etc is done sits with me. His dad makes out that he backs me up but my son says that he gets annoyed at me telling him things which if that is the case is undermining me but it could be my son trying to manipulate me too which he does. He does say to me all the time in the moment that he wants to live with his dad but I know that in reality he doesn’t as he knows that his dad doesn’t make sure he eats properly and or ‘parents’ him.
When I was with his dad he did have some anger issues and would often lash out throwing things etc so I worry that this happens at his dads and he is mirroring this behaviour although he hasn’t told me of anything like this for a long time. The slamming doors and being a bit rough with stuff has been happening for a while but it’s the first time he has been physical with me. He is completely minimising it and not accepting the seriousness which is a worry. He would go crazy if I did this to him so he knows it is wrong which makes it worrying that he doesn’t see now that he is in the wrong.
I worry for our relationship and worry for the person he may be turning into. It’s really hard this parenting malarkey 😭