Is this how teen boys get girlfriends these days?

[Ozgirl76]

I have a 14 year old boy. I occasionally check his phone and today I saw that he’s messaging a few girls in his year, clearly putting feelers out to see if they like him. They aren’t creepy messages, one he compliments on her music performance, one he’s sent some photos of a day out we had and one he mentioned a joint activity they do.

They friendly and everything but it’s quite obvious that he’s trying to chat them up.

Having grown up before the mobile age, I just thought, is this how boys are? Like, putting out feelers for a few girls to see if they bite? I always assumed a boy started liking you and then tried to get you, I didn’t know it was a “numbers game”

One girl he was chatting with, and he mentioned playing tennis with her and another couple and she said she wasn’t allowed to date and he was like “cool no worries” so I’m not really concerned about the content, more the, I guess, casualness of it?

So is this within the realms of what is normal for boys these days?

I feel suddenly out of touch with the youths.

Unfortunately yes, I heard a group of 14 year old neds/chavs behind me on the bus saying “I really like her, but if I can’t have her I’ll f* (girls name) while I wait for her” they were clearly messaging a few girls.

doubt any of them had touched a V in their lives. I couldn’t help laughing but tried to hold it in.

In dating evolution terms, you're living in a cave 😅

Adults on online dating apps do this too- they chat to several people before meeting them.

My nephew is 17. My sister told me earlier this year he has been spending a lot of time with a girl, but she was only a friend. He recently bought flowers and was going to ask her to be his girlfriend. Apparently he chickened out that day because she’d had a bad day at work, so he just gave her the flowers. Anyway, a few weeks later my sister told me she is officially his girlfriend, and he brought his girlfriend around to meet my sister. I thought this was very sweet, and it sounds like he is being a real gentleman about it.

I’m not sure what is the “done thing” these days, but it would be nice for the boy to be genuinely interested in a girl, rather than just trying his luck and going out with whoever bites.

Yes! That’s it, it feels a bit hollow, like “well you’ll do” but maybe it was always thus.

As I say, he isn’t disrespectful to them, but I just feel like “pick one and make the effort”

But thank you - I am in a cave because I met my husband at university 25 years ago and haven’t dated since 👵🏻

How do you think he'd feel if he knew you were sharing his private phone messages with random people on the internet?

I mean isn't that how people have always paired up? there will be plenty of different people you're interested in throughout your life and you might end up going out with one who happens to return the affection?

I’ve had friends both male and female who were like this when looking for a potential partner. They’d put feelers out and see who would bite. They also dated a lot more than I did. Like they were trying out different people to find the one that was the right fit.

I’ve also had friends who (like me) were just hoping to meet the right person organically.

Decades later most of the friends who were the type to put out feelers and dated a lot were actually successful and are still married today.

Perhaps it’s more practical and a better way to find someone who is compatible with you, rather than relying on being lucky enough to bump into your soulmate.

That’s interesting. I do think for him, being 14 there is a sense of just figuring out what he likes in a girl. He did have a girlfriend for a little while ago and he split up with her because he said she was too bossy with him so I guess it is just figuring out what he likes and dislikes in a girlfriend, which is probably a good thing?

This all sounds perfectly fine to me!

That’s so heartening to read. What a lovely young man!

Exactly! There are people he’s attracted to and he’s approaching them to get to know them better / find out if they like him. It’s hardly a crime.

Also, he’s 14. It’s not like these kids are looking for a spouse.

Thank you everyone! This has been really reassuring and helpful.

He is a good kid - and I just want to make sure he stays respectful and friendly and is doing the right things as far as girls are concerned.

He knows I casually check his phone from time to time, it was a condition of having it. I don’t check it often but I was putting it downstairs and saw there were messages from three girls and if you knew my boy - he is not a “player” (or whatever it is these days) - he has blossomed over the past year as braces, a sudden growth spurt and a lot of sport and sunshine have worked their magic.

So as long as he doesn't know, it's all well and good for his mum to share his private messages with random strangers on the internet?

Even though if he did know, he'd be justifiably disgusted?

I'm glad my ethics are a little more demanding than that.