Teen son refusing to talk to DH

[Lauraloo266]

My son and his dad had a row a few weeks ago and he ‘ moved out ‘ or went to stay with his nan.
Hes been back a few weeks but the atmosphere is still horrible. He talks to me but is grumpy and rude and he refuses to even achknowledge his Dad.
He came back on rule that no one goes in his room without knocking. He ignores us to if we knock sometimes I don’t even know he’s there.
Yesterday DH went to ask him something and went in his room and son went mad, messaging me that he can’t live like this, he’s suicidal etc etc. I panic because that’s why I do.
DH went back later to try and talk to him and son went mad screaming that he hates him etc, my other son went in the garden as he couldn’t deal with it.
He says he wants to move out, hates his dad, hates our house.
DH is furious and thinks he needs to learn some respect, it’s his room but our home etc. I am ysually pandering to him but I’m at a loss. I’ve agreed we will stay away from his room but he needs to wash his own clothes then and cook his own dinner.
i think as soon as he said the suicide thing I panic but his sister laughed and just said he’s being a twat.
what would other mumsnetters do? He’s 17, tbh I’d be happy for him to move out but he couldn’t possibly afford to. Hes got a job but hasn’t started it yet and even that he doesn’t want to do he’d rather not work.

Firstly what was the row about?
My ds is 16...i last went into his room when we moved here..
In November..

Yesterday it was because his dad asked him to hang some washing out for me. He went mad as he’d gone into his room.he then said he wishes he was dead and sees no point in living.
he refuses to help around the house and this has been an issue for ages. He finally got a job which I found for him and he nearly didn’t go in for first shift as he was out the night before and said he was having a nice time.
I honestly am at a loss. I feel like should step back, just let him get on with it and if he wants to lie jobless in a pit until he’s 18 so be it and my DH thinks we need to put boundaries in place so he knows the expectation and half of me thinks that I’ve struggled with holding boundaries so much that maube he’s right

Everyone’s family is different but I would get the whole family around the table and have a family discussion- maybe do a silly thing like the person holding the wooden spoon gets to talk so there’s not a lot of talking over each other - I’d point out ( we have 2 adult in uni sons and struggle over the summer ) that your dad and I finance everything so deserve some respect just for that - all family members deserve privacy- but only if he can show that he pulls his weight like an adult ( does his laundry bedding cooking washing up and any other thing you feel you need from him) the minute he stops acting like an adult then the adults get to have a say again - ask if this is fair? If he says no then ask him for his suggestions in how to live together as adults ( he’s nearly there at 17) but do not be afraid to lay down the costs of running a home both financially and in terms of effort put in by you as I think teens can be oblivious to this - wrt the suicidal worries. - I’d say we love you and we want to support your mental health but not at the expense of the rest of the families mental health and the current situation is not good for anyone’s mental health - but let him have his say and you have yours and try to work out a situation that will work for you - but the minute he stops doing his part do not be afraid to point this out and remind him of his agreement

His reactions may be extreme, but it's perfectly reasonable for a 17 year old to ask people to knock before going into his room. So your husband was in the wrong there.
We all need our own space, and he's not a child any more.

What is happening with this young man's education? It sounds like he may need some asssistance/support, so you do need to get to the bottom of things and try to help him. Talk to him about his suicidal feelings, don't run away from them - does he have a plan? Does he want to be dead forever? If he won't talk with you, link him to an organisation like CALM or Samaritans.

We have promised that we don’t go in his room but he has to abide by boundaries too like coming home on time and doing jobs.
i have spoken about his comments but he doesn’t want to engage and I’ve offered to pay for therapy again for him ( he’s been before due to bullying at school )
he has finished college for the summer so doesn’t have much on thankfully he’s starting a job at weekend so fingers crossed that works.

I’m not glossing over his comments either I am a mental health nurse so I do have experience in this area but it’s very different when it’s your child.

Not the point but people don’t knock before going into each other’s rooms in your house? My kids started doing that in infants and would never burst in by 7/8.

My kids often don’t hear knocking because their AirPods/gaming headset don’t allow them to hear the sound of knocking.

If your son doesn’t like people coming into his room, can he come up with a solution like using text messaging and him coming to see you in person?

If you are going to back down and pander to him then why go through the motions of asking him to do chores ? The chores like hanging laundry aren’t unreasonable in itself but if you are going to back down when he kicks off (he knows that kicking off means you’ll back down) then might as well not have the argument in the first place and accept that the other children in the house will refuse to do chores too as it’s unfair that their brother is exempt and they aren’t. It also sets up your h as the bad guy as he dared to ask and ds knows that you won’t make him do them.

Snorlax I agree with you. He does do them if I ask but barely. My DH is asd and literally has no impulse control and my other DD is like this too. They have no boundaries so and they get on like a house on fire and I think I over compensate for that to him by being to soft. I do knock and also text but my husband is very much ‘ this is my house I pay for it and I’m not being told here where I can and can’t go’

Judyp rhat seems like a good idea. I don’t think he’ll do it wigj his dad at the moment though as they are both very het up and cross but I do think in a week or so we could try.

You have a significant DH problem. Is your DS came home with specific boundaries agreed, then your H is a pillock for intentionally breaking them. If your son is not doing agreed chores, you deal with that in an adult way, not by your H throwing a mantrum.

I taught the kids to knock before entering a room because I want them to expect that from other people and people need privacy to get changed, have sex etc and a knock gives time to spare everyone’s blushes. Your son deserves privacy in his room like he should in the bathroom. Is a lock on his door going to improve things or will it just piss off your h because he can’t be all bullish and burst into rooms?

Does your h get angry when people burst into his room or are the kids forced to knock ?

your DH is a nob and needs to learn to knock and wait

Your son needs to buck his ideas up, but you need to let him stand and fall at his job on his own. But don't be giving him money over and above what you might normally do, and if he doesn't wash up, then do the rest of the dishes and leave his on the side. No cutlery/crockery? no dinner...

After reading your updates, I feel sorry for your Ds. Living with a dad who is quick to anger and does stuff like not knock must be hugely stressful and I can see why living like that would lead ds to be snappy too. Most adults would be be up living on edge and stressed if they had to live with someone like that and your son has no probably been more patient in the past than most considering that he has the biological urge to forgive his parent.

Did he hear the comment that his sister made about being a twat? Was that excused because of her ASD? In which case I can see why ds would resort to acting like his dad and sibling and doing what he wants and expecting no consequences and being angry that he’s being held to account.

I’m not sure why ds has been cast as the problem who had to move out either. It seems like he was forced to move out because his dad is a dick and would never do something selfless like put his child first and move out himself. I suspect that ds would be a lot better behaved away from dad.

You might cope with him having no impulse control and no boundaries because you love him but to a stranger that sounds like controlling and infantilising behaviour that is going to send even the most reasonable teenager crazy.

Can you expand on the bit about you letting ds rot in his room until he’s 18 if he wants? Are you thinking of kicking ds out at 18 so your h can feel respected ? Your ds will never show respect until his dad shows respect back. Knocking on doors is such a basic expectation that people normally do it for strangers never mind family.

It sounds like you and his dad expect ds to behave better than his own dad does.

Your DH must realise that he has to knock and cannot enter your DS's room until invited to do so. If he doesn't or cannot observe that very simple rule/boundary then he is an arse who deserves all he gets.

Your DH doesn't think he needs to knock on closed bedroom doors before going in?? That's just basic manners, never mind whose house it is. I'm sorry but I'm with your DS on this one.

You all all right. Tbh it’s all gone to shit and ‘D’h blames me and it’s not my fault. His behaviour is childish and pathetic and I’m literally done. The whole situation kept escalating until son basically threatened to hit his dad.
He’s left home and is living with one of my family at moment and is desperate to come home but his dad said he needs to apologise and abide by his rules.
Im done tbh. It’s like DH can only cope with life if I am there to deescalate him and calm him down and if I step foot away it goes to crap.
im done with it all.
If i leave i leave with nothing though so need to make a plan also at end of day i dont want my kids to think im leaving because of them i need them to know its because of how o feel about the whole situation.

Why are you talking about leaving? Surely it's the father who should be leaving. You panic and pander and try to make up for his deficits and now your son has moved out because he can't cope with him any longer.

Because it’s not my house and I have no legal rights over it. He is not my husband he is partner it’s just easier to say DH

Ah crap
any access to joint savings?
Can you afford to rent a place for you and your kids?

No nothing. Not a bean. My mum owns a tiny flat thoigh that I could probably make work. I live in a massively expensive city so renting is unlikely, I am a band 3 in the NHS so not paid hugely well. My youngest is 17 so I wouldn’t be entitled to benefits I guess.