How do I cope with a teen self harming?

[Lovelyweatherbluesky]

Will this past? It has upset me so much but trying not to show it to her. We all go to ups and lows but wanting to die and self harming is another level.

DD14 self steam is very low, she has mentioned wanting to die and has self harm, a couple if times, just small scratches in her hands. She has had issues at school and has a speech and language disorder.

We got her a referral to the adolescent psychiatrist, and arranging an appointment through BUPA. I also got counselling appointment for myself as going through burnout and issues at work, but this has really top it up.

I am so worried, have been crying a lot since yesterday and didn’t sleep much.

I’m trying to word this post gently - please know my intention is to help!

I was a teen who self harmed a lot. I didn’t want to tell my mum because I knew she wouldn’t cope. I was eventually persuaded to tell by a friend. My mum burst into tears, said ‘how could you do this to me’ and ran upstairs and hid from me. Anytime I tried to talk about anything she’d say something similar, or ‘how can you be sad when I love you?’

So obviously I hid it from her and never mentioned it again. I’m not saying you’re going to be the same, and it’s good you’re trying not to show her.

It’s different now I’m a mum myself. But when I was a teen I couldn’t understand why my mum was upset and making it all about her. I was the one in pain and struggling, what had it got to do with her?!

What would have helped me is very gentle support, and the offer of a chat when I felt bad

Thank you very much. This is helpful. She does talk to me about her feelings thankfully and is happy to see a therapist.

I did reacted a bit when first saw her plasters in her wrist. I think she has done it twice superficially. Hope we are in time to stop it soon. Wondering if is anything to do with attending a girls school, or using robblox. I guess is a mix of everything.

It is so hard as a mother; your children pain is your pain.

I stayed with her last night, gave her a massage on her back, put a meditation on.

@Choice4567 I also hid it from my mum
as her getting upset really upset me as well.

Thanks. I really have yo make an effort not to show it. I need to be strong, be there for her; it is hard. But I can not deny is very upsetting.

I remember having very strong feelings at that age too, crying myself to sleep, wishing you die, but never self harming. Only when emotions got too strong due to any issues with my parents. I don’t think i ever verbalised it to anyone.

That’s fine you’re obviously going to have an immediate reaction and you’re only human you can’t control it! I suppose it’s was the carrying on of asking what she’d done wrong, why was I doing it to her that upset me

certainly therapy for you would be good - a good place for you to work through all the emotions of it without putting your worries back onto her

I mean I didn’t attend a girls school or have access to the internet. I was depressed for a while but my mum always said ‘what do you have to be depressed about? Don’t be silly there are people who actually have depression so you shouldn’t say that’! (My mum doesn’t handle emotions well!!)

it turns out I have OCD (bad intrusive thoughts, often involving suicide even though I’m not suicidal) and ADHD traits. But I was told so much as a teen that other people actually have problems that I surpressed it completely which obviously made it much worse!

stick with her going to therapy/ psychiatrist. For me just believing her that she’s struggling and there might actually be something wrong is a huge thing!!

I think just try to keep a sense of ‘normality’, don’t interrogate with the whys and how’s, just reassure that you are there for her any time to talk and when she needs you. Hopefully school are offering support too with everything going on if some of the issues are happening there?
There are lots of specialist services for young people who are experiencing mental health, suicidal thoughts or self harm - organisations like place2be, kooth and young minds so it would be worth looking on their websites too - some have direct lines to text or call when children are struggling and want to speak to someone. Sounds like you are absolutely doing the right thing too by seeking support for yourself.
Also just be aware of any social media she may be accessing as there does seem to be almost an encouragement / glamorisation of these types of things with some groups of young people. I work in this area and we see it a lot.

Thank you. That is helpful.

I will look at the resources available. I sm wondering if it is social media. Will need to check her phone. Wondering if it is a common thing in her girls school,

She told me when she was low a couple of weeks ago that she doesn’t have many friends, why does she have an speech and language disorder, and that everyone else in the house is smart? . She told the doctor she doesn’t like herself.

It is impossible not to blame yourself a bit as a parent when these things happen.

School doesn’t help much. She hate it and has given up on it. She is stopping early. She is going to a performing arts school in September for year 10. Hope it helps.

How do I check? Just check her google history? YouTube? Snapchat and WhatsApp?

Yeah it’s a bit of a minefield really with social media - just make sure you can restrict certain content on sites where you are able to if you are concerned and just encourage that open dialogue with her. Online content / social media can be a positive source of support it’s just knowing to direct her to those places - Samaritans and childline may be able to offer further advice if you have any concerns. Can you arrange to meet with school /DSL/ pastoral before school breaks up to voice your worries? Adolescent Psych / CAMHS will be able to offer the right type of support however in the interim you can put a bit of a safety plan in place with her to help her to recognise when she is having negative thoughts and things she can do if she is having these thoughts eg to come and speak to you, do an activity that relaxes or distracts her
make sure you look after you too - speak to a GP if you are struggling to cope and not sleeping, your own wellbeing is so important too x