Dd 14 always seems to be shut out/left out

[chcha5520]

My daughter is 14 and I’m my heart is breaking for her. She has not found that one or two solid friends who just have her back. Since I can remember she’s been in groups of girls but it always seems to go the same way. She gets pushed out or left out. This weekend the most recent group have been awful, she had an argument with one of them, she tried to apologise for her wrongdoing (it was 50/50) and they blanked her completely and wouldn’t engage. Then the remaining 4 in the group locked in around this one girl and just completely blanked my dd. Didn't respond to any messages but carried on in the group and she wasn’t there, making a big show of all the great things they were doing without her etc. the girl the argument was with will not engage at all. I took her to town to take her kind of it and they were all in town showing her how left out she is. She tried to speak to the one girl the disagreement was with this morning but she said the others thought it would be funny to just pretend they can’t hear her and when dd asked if she now has to leave the group she said ‘that’s not up to me’. Added to this she found out this morning that another girl who she walks to school with everyday had a birthday event at the weekend that she wasn’t invited to. She was ok about this at first since she doesn’t hang out in her friend group normally until she found out that over 30 teens were at this event. Some of the other girls who went told dd that they were surprised she wasn’t invited since the invite list was so large.
This is the daughter of a friend of mine who I know would have tried to encourage the girl to add my daughter in but obviously it didn’t happen. My daughter is sad and doesn’t understand why. I don’t understand why, I’m left wondering what is she doing so wrong? I have looked at chat groups and messages and I can’t see her doing anything wrong. She’s thoughtful and caring but also can be sensitive and as an only child can struggle to always take the little knocks that go with friendships but this is now too much. The thought of her now trying to find new friends again is heartbreaking. She doesn’t deserve this and I don’t know what to do to help:( I don’t understand how horrible girls can be:(

Well I guess it’s one of two things, either she only meets/tries to befriend unpleasant girls or she herself behaves repeatedly in an unpleasant way. I guess it could be both.

If this has been happening all her life it does suggest that maybe something she’s doing may be contributing and it’s really worth working out what.

I wasn’t a popular teen but I always had friends and sometimes almost scooped up those who had been left out of other groups. About half the time these people were great - perhaps eccentric sometimes but great - and they became friends, the others swiftly showed why they had annoyed others. One was incredibly touchy about imaginary slights, another was constantly boasting about his money and all the things he owned. If you’ve seen the group chats you must have an idea of what’s going on?

She might just be having terrible luck, it does happen. Does she do anything outside school?

She attempted to reconcile on a number of occasions. Maybe she should just stop trying with them so they have nothing to feed off?

Could she get involved in any groups or clubs or activities either in or out of school to try and broaden her range of contacts and meet new friends.
She’ll very likely be back ‘in’ again when they get bored or others in the group fall out.
My DD is only 8 but I worry that she is the one pushed out of a certain group, it’s obviously just minor stuff at 8 but I worry that it’ll be more hurtful when she’s older. I make sure she goes to activities outside of school so that she meets more people.
You sound lovely for trying to cheer her up.

That group sound horrible - and I doubt it was personal that your DD came in their firing line (could just have been someone else): they are not friends to miss.

I’d disagree with @WitcheryDivine that it is either because she’s trying to be friends with mean girls, or that she’s mean herself.

teenage girls can smell out any lack of confidence like sharks smelling a drop of blood three miles away.

You mention she is quite sensitive. Is she also quite shy?
I think you need to build on her self esteem and confidence. Is there a club or activity she can join where she can make friends out of the school group?

Teenage girls can be brutal with anyone who doesn’t fit their idea of cool, so it’s really tough if she’s in any way different, or eccentric .

i think also if she’s shunned by one group, it can make it harder because the teens fear the ‘social contagion’ of being associated with an unpopular person. It takes a ballsy kid to stand up against that behaviour and reach out.

Maybe it’s worth contacting the school to see if they’ve noticed why she is struggling

I’ve been through similar with my dd. It’s awful as a parent to watch. Is she involved with any other clubs outside of school?
what did she do that was wrong?

We have had similar problems throughout school. The one thing we’ve done is always supported DD, talked through the situations she’s facing as much as she wants and needs and got her professional help when things became overwhelming. In our case, things aren’t helped by her being in a very small year group with an even smaller cohort of girls - so the pool of potential friends is small.

At 16, she still has ups and downs, but she is so mature and resilient that she copes really well. Don’t forget, friendship issues can occur at any point in your life- so focus on helping build her resilience and emotional health.

definitely this

Thanks for all the helpful advice, it’s comforting to hear others have experienced this. I don’t think my daughter is perfect by any means and is capable of making mistakes but equally I don’t believe this is happening because she chooses unpleasant girls or is being unpleasant herself. As I said I do keep an eye on the conversations online and I cannot see anything she is doing to cause this to happen. On this occasion she lost her temper with the girl because she and others were teasing her and a boy in front of everyone (including the boys), she says she shouted at her to stop and that’s why the disagreement happened.
She is definitely less confident to other girls in large groups, and prefers one to one or small groups socially, I think she struggles with shrugging things off a bit. And of course the knocks make her lose more confidence and it’s a vicious circle. She often says ‘oh she hates me’ when I say why don’t you hang out with xyz… and I just can’t understand why or how unless it’s her perception rather than reality.
She does drama outside of school and loves it, but she has dropped her other activities over time. She gets on with the girls there and some of them are from school and they have a great time at club but she doesn’t socialise with them in school so much. They have their large groups and stick with that in school. Often she will say she can’t hang with them in school because xyz person ‘who hates me’ is in the group.
i think a large part of the problem actually are the high number of only child girls, possibly as many as 30% only children, and most of them are much more confident than my dd.
i will keep trying to listen and support and will have a chat with the tutor. I just wish she had one person she could really bank on. Maybe with GCSEs starting next year she will find someone through common subject interests. It’s just so hard to watch isn’t it, I just don’t remember girls being this way when I was this age.

she has you to bank on.. my daughter barely has 1 friend.. barely.. but I keep close and assist her to see follow things she enjoys.. and talk to her and try and listen to her.. it’s just an awkward stage in life that will pass..

that sounds really tough - I do think 14 is pretty much the end of the very worst period of girls, maybe drama will die down in GCSE time as people get a bit more serious.

If she is very reactive as you describe that’s not going to help her, she might be able to learn tactics she can use eg breathing to stay calm. Friends are rarely going to enjoy being shouted at even if they were teasing her, there’s a very swift change and suddenly in a way the friendships become much more like adult ones. If your friends teased you unlikely you would shout even if you were pissed off. She needs to try and not show when she’s annoyed (unless something serious obviously) as it might put off potential friends, but also someone being easy to wind up unfortunately makes them a magnet for bullies who want to push their buttons. Seeming like you don’t care when someone winds you up is the way forward.

What would have been a cooler / more socially confident response in the situation where she was teased about a boy?

Mine usually hiss 'shut up' or similar but I've heard just eye rolling and saying, 'so mature' sarcastically is a better option? How do popular kids deal with being teased at school? They all must experience this at one point or other?

OP, don't worry, let your dd explore hobbies she likes and focus on school. Encourage her not to think about what others think but be proud of who she is. one or 2 more years and the worst of the ganging up behaviour should be done with.

Probably eye rolling and changing the subject? Or just grey rocking as they say on here.

What’s being an only child got to do with anything?

I’m so sorry your daughter is going through this. I have a 14-year-old too and know how painful it is to watch them be left out, especially when they’re kind and try to make things right. Teen girl friendships can be so harsh and confusing.
My daughter (14) went through something similar, and what helped her feel a bit more supported was the luna app (weareluna.app). It covers stuff like friendships, emotions and confidence, and she liked that it was private and made for girls her age. I actually trust what's on it because it's made by doctors/experts.
You’re doing your best, and your daughter sounds lovely. This really isn’t her fault.