Totally inactive/unmotivated - normal?

[Twelftytwo]

I feel like dd14 (just) would not do anything if I didn't ask her to, in fact I know that because when I've been in the office for work on a school holiday day, she's laid in bed on her phone and not got up even for food.

She goes to school, although every morning needs multiple wake ups and prompts to get dressed and ready.

She does do a ballet class twice a week thank goodness although again needs so much prompting to get ready and go.

Other than that, literally nothing. On a weekend or school holiday I swear she would never get up and dressed of her own accord. Needs a lot of cajoling to get in the shower or brush her teeth. Just does nothing of her own accord!

Loves her phone, loves her bed. Doesn't ever seem to get that yucky feeling from being in bed all day.

School work she does the absolute minimum.

She has a group of friends and sometimes is invited to things (and that's probably the only time she does get herself ready) but doesn't instigate any socialising.

Can anyone relate? Is this normal and will she come out of the other side? My older dd was not like this.

I worry about how she'll ever make it to college or get a job! (I drive her to school currently but college would be bus or train).

It's so so hard to get her to come out with me. Doesn't get on with younger sibling, or older one really so family trips are a nightmare. I sometimes force her by incorporating a costa trip.

Bumpity bump

Take a look at the psychology of phone addiction/ dopamine addiction.
She is getting everything she 'needs' from her phone.
This is the situation that you are in. If you are not happy with it, you are an adult and you can change things. Nothing is going to change by itself.

Best of luck and best wishes.

Unfortunately the phone and apps are deliberately designed to be highly addictive.

Some teens will not be as susceptible to this and will avoid all out addiction...some will have had stricter rules than others growing up and just won't have fallen down the rabbit hole as much.

If she is allowed the option of lying all day scrolling then the addiction wins. As rhe adult I know how hard it is especially by 14 but you need to step in and remove that option.

You have a window of time ! Before she really will be too old to control her phone use

Showdown time. Either take the phone and put control's on it or say she has to leave it downstairs until you see substantial change

She will need help getting over the addiction

The flashes and constant social updates...the whirling 20 second videos on tik tok and Snapchat. They are flooding her brain with dopamine and making it keen to keep scrolling. Unfortunately the real world feels slow and dull and hard work in comparison

This is all true
She has the phone taken away overnight now as she was unable to self regulate it. Is the next step to remove in the day time then?

She will absolute hate me for that and feel it's double standards with her siblings, but they have more balance and the eldest is good at self regulating.

Maybe rather than remove it at home I just have to insist we go out and do stuff. She will be miserable company though ☹️

Perhaps if she already doesn’t have her phone overnight then extend that to a rule that she doesn’t look at it until she’s up and dressed and then only to check and reply to messages and then it goes away again.

I'm not sure about her being forced out as a family...the ideal would be she has a social life
.so.. she has totally unrestricted phone use for example on a Saturday?

Is it an iPhone or android ? With android you can control from.google family link

IPhone trickier. I use an app called qustudio

Yes my son absolutely hates it and also repeatedly breaks my rules but I'm not giving in to just zero rules

She needs a rule like...you can have the phone once up dressed and you have a plan for rhe day

Then sit with her look at how long she is spending each day on the phone (in settings)

If it's over about 3 hours then yes it's eating her life

Op it's so so shit and wr as parents are fighting horrible big tech

But she will regret this once she is an adult and looks back so she needs you to step in

Thanks for all the helpful ideas.
It's an android - but linked to xH family google account and he said he would put restrictions on but hasn't. So hence I just have to physically remove it (they're with me 85% of the time.

Small victories today - she had a shower. She came out with us to a local beauty spot/hill. I compromised that she didn't have to get out of the car - at least it got her out of her room (not off her phone).

With homework and as GCSEs loom we're going to have to sort the parental controls on it or i take it for agreed time slots for revision.

Over the summer holidays I will need to encourage her to do things with friends.

Yes, I can completely relate. My 14-year-old can be quite similar at times, loves her bed, her phone, and often stays in her room all day if I let her. But I've got her into a good routine now so that she's spending less time in her room.
What helped a bit for us was finding small things she could connect with on her own terms. One thing she actually engaged with was the wellbeing app luna (weareluna.app). It’s designed specifically for teens (so I know it's age appropriate) and covers things like motivation, routines, emotions, and self-care in a way that doesn’t feel like nagging. There's things like a mood tracker on it and articles and stuff like that, so she finds it relatable.
You're really really not alone in this and your daughter will grow out of this eventually.

I love the idea oh introducing healthy/helpful/"ethical" apps to someone glued to their phone then at least you know the time spent ont heir device is productive. Then you can consider restricting unhealthier apps like tiktok or snapchat and use this as a way to wean your teen off - you can set screen time limits in the settings of most phones too

I have a DD who is the exact same. It’s exhausting. She literally won’t even go to the bathroom without her phone in her hand. It’s a massive addiction. I restrict it’s use after a certain time at night so she will just stay on it until that point and will have done nothing all evening except chat to friends and scroll.
Refuses to do what she is told. Frequently breaks her curfew. Isn’t doing well at school at all. Won’t engage with anyone despite previously self-harming. I’m scared to completely take the phone away because of the self-harm. It is very, very difficult.

Also recommend luna – DD is on it and finds it so helpful x

Oh my goodness, where is the parenting? Surely it’s your job, your responsibility to take the phone away. These kids are ruining their lives and parents are enabling it.
I have much younger kids so maybe I’m missing something - can someone please explain why it’s not possible to just confiscate the phones? Yes they will hate you for it for a while, but it’s worth it long term. Is there another barrier? Someone mentioned self harm?

With respect, you have said you have younger children so you haven’t yet to experiment the joys of parenting teens.
In find it insulting that you have basically said I don’t parent my child.
Her phone has been removed many times and she has been grounded. It doesn’t deter any bad behaviour.
She also self harms so taking away all communication from friends (ie the phone) makes me very uneasy.