My 12 year old has no friends

[Xxcoolcatxxx]

My 12 old son has no friends. Any advice welcome it’s breaking my heart him being and feeling so lonely.
He’s diagnosed asd and has always struggled a little socially but has always done his best and up until high school had friends. He had one very close best friend who since going to different high schools have drifted apart. I tried to keep the friendship going as I know it was very important to my son who truly valued his best friend but the boys mum wasn’t very reciprocal. I used to invite him for tea weekly and take them on days out most weeks. My son and his friend had a little argument over something silly and since then the boy has blocked my son and not been in contact with him since around February :( he still talks about him weekly and hopes that they will be friends again. But I’m not so hopeful.
Since starting high school my son has struggled massively in mainstream. I’ve battled to get him an Ehcp and finally he has one but trying to get him into a more suitable setting is beyond difficult 😣 and he’s been put on a 8.30-10-30 daily timetable at his current school to help him not get suspended daily from being disregulated in an unsuitable setting. So he’s not getting to socialise and make any friends and it’s got to the point he himself is telling me he just wants one good friend and that he feels lonely and like nobody likes him. 💔
I've signed him up to swimming hoping he may make some friends there but in the +8 class he’s in he’s the oldest and feels really uncomfortable and like he’s with little kids. I’ve tried to get him to martial arts or something he could let out some of his frustration and for the fact he loves Kobra Kai but he’s too anxious and self conscious at this point to go. I don’t know anyone with male kids his age and have tried joining Sen groups but him being high functioning he struggles to feel like he fits in at these meet ups either :(
has anyone been in a similar position? Or any advice please

OP this is so hard for you and your son 💐. Good job with the extracurriculars, have you tried Scouts or something, they are quite inclusive I have heard. Sometimes, it can take until after school to find a permanent friendship through work, apprenticeship uni etc, so don't lose hope it just might take a while.

Oh, your poor son :( these years are really brutal, as childhood friends grow apart. Quite often I saw parents ‘encouraging’ their kids away from the neurodiverse ones in high school. It’s pretty sad. But also, as kids mature, the differences between NT and ND young people can appear more marked.

I hope your EHC plan gets you access to a more suitable setting.

In the meantime it might help to encourage your son to have different friends or acquaintances for different situations. Sort of away from the “one best friend” model, which can create issues and in my experience becomes less of the norm in boys’ friendships in secondary school. The trouble with best friendships is that it’s so intense and kids csn change quite a lot at this age, leading to shakeups of who gets on with who…

I will say my boy was a bit like your son at that age: he lost a really close friend for complicated reasons.

2 years later and he has found his little tribe, all by himself ❤️

The reduced time table is causing the biggest problem isn't it?
Is your son into sports?
My son had always struggled socially- he's very outgoing and is about 2 years behind his peers developmentally, he doesn't have a best friend but is lucky to be in a large group . He plays football at breaks too which helps.
I hope

Oh bless him,
he hasn’t got a chance to forge friendships with such a short school day -
does the school do a lunch time club for kids with SEN - he will not be the only one feeling marginalised -

does he need some emotion regulation training ? Would that help his social functioning ?

have u considered scouts or sea cadets or something like that ??

in my area I see a lot of neurodivergent kids find their place in these youth groups, and anecdotally I think run by adults who are ND themselves or who are very used to accommodating ND kids

So sorry to hear about his struggles. 8.30-10.30 is tough on him and you, he must be missing out on so much including the opportunity to make new friends.

What happens if he goes in for longer, does he have meltdowns, get into arguments? Do you think he will be able to go in for longer next year?

I wonder if there are any holiday clubs that kids from his school will be doing over summer, that he might be interested in. Not suggesting he will make instant friends but just doing stuff alongside is a good start.

Scouts could also be an option? It tends to welcome a broad variety of kids and perhaps more quirky ones compared with say sports clubs?

I think Scouts is a good idea. I also wonder if there are any support groups in your area for autistic children where he could meet other children.

Have you considered cadets? My dd is a sea cadet and all her closest friends are from cadets not school. Itsa bit of an all absorbing hobby but has taught her so much resilience and life skills in abundance.
There are quite a lot of kids there who don't fit in at their school but find their tribe at cadets.

Are there any churches that have youth groups for youth outside the church in your area? Or any other organisations that run a small local club? I say this as a as someone who would probably have become scarily lonely and depressed as a teen if it hadn't been for the kind and caring adults and youth at the local Baptist church's youth club. 42 now and still count 1 other person from the club and his now wife, along with a couple in their 60s who were then youth leaders, in my top 6 friends after my hubby and son.

hi Op - My daughter is very like your son - high funcitioning autistic, missed a lot of school, was on a part time timetable.

okay so this is my advice.

You need to lean in to what is realistic here.

1. could school set up friendship groups? this massively helped my daughter - they had a weekly group for her with some other ND girls - this was in primary but my friend had some help with friendships through special interest type groups at secondary in a similar situation and it had a big impact
2. if you say the local ND groups are not similar type of autism - firstly I'd have to say are you sure about that? Is that him masking/ not feeling right or are they truly very different to him.
3. be pushy with school - if it's a large mainstream there must be other kids similar to him - tell them he really needs scaffolded social support with other kids who are like him - ask who those kids are - could you reach out on school facebook/local facebook?

my main advice would be to really work on finding like minded children - so that would be looking for the other autistic kids like him who also struggle with friends. you say he is high functioning and yes I know what you mean - but - he is basically not coping in mainstream and not coping socially so he isn't that high functioning.

What I would do is go on facebook/ look in local autism or ND support family groups and just start asking everybody for connections - is there a ND youth club - would any other simliar minded fmailies like to meet.

In the situation your son is in - he isn't going to make friends in a club like swimming where kids come and go in a hurrry.

he needs seriously scaffolded support - get this for him before he gets older as it's harder then.

My husband is a scout leader and has over the years had several boys and girls with ADHD and Autism . Some come with friends some come on their own and soon make friends . He does many various activities for example ; go carting, golf, canoeing, cooking, yoga, camping, hiking, skiing and skating. He recently organised a street dance workshop for them.

Get him into boxing. Look around for sen charities by you or sen groups, if your near Peterborough there is a great charity called Little Miracles for all ages including teens.

Thank you much eveyone for all these responses. After posting on here I googled local scouts clubs and a lady got back to me today saying they have a place and he can start next week. He’s not happy about it says he doesn’t want to go. But he doesn’t like anything until he’s done it and I need to try every option for him.

Oh I really hope it goes well. They are usually pretty flexible if kids want to come sometimes and not others

My sons the same really struggles. Hes summer born too and immature and struggles to fit in. Its heartbreaking as all he wants to do is have friends. But he is sometimes too much for others which then backfires and he seems to be the one they then target. Hes had it all his life primary, now high school. I have tried scouts but again he seemed to be the one they all had a problem with and now its exactly the same at football the others telling him hes no good and they dont like him etc. Its awful.

What is he interested in? My ASD son has grown his friendship group slowly but playing DnD has helped. Sometime you can find groups for this if he hasn't got a group already.

We have a gaming cafe near us that organises stuff.

Hope scouts goes well.

I feel for you both.