Boyfriend sleepover

[NaiceLimePombear]

Hi just checking if I’ve made a mistake. DD17 has been with her boyfriend almost 2 years. They live an hour apart met through a shared activity in between where they live. When they’d been together about 6 months we started to allow separate bedroom sleepovers at weekends to save parents driving late on a Saturday night. All fine they stuck to the rules. Now they are older my DD asked about sharing a room, I agreed but with some boundaries. I didn’t mention it to boyfriends mum, we communicate via text and occasionally see in passing but he is now almost 18 and drives so see her less. He’s told her about sharing a room and she’s messaged me, I think annoyed I didn’t ask her, to be honest I didn’t think as he’s almost an adult but in hindsight maybe I should have? I’m not sure how to reply.

I think that’s quite an odd thing for his mum to do … her son is practically a grown man.

I don't think it would have entered my head if the lad is nearly 18. How nearly is he 18?! 3 months or 10 months off? All you can do is apologise, there's not much else you can say. Yes, technically at 17, he's still classed as a minor, so his Mum could have reasonably expected a text from you. However, given his age, most people wouldn't have expected to need to do that. Make sure your daughter is using contraception, and give her condoms!

4 months off 18.

they’ve been having sex prior to the bed sharing, she’s been fairly open with me about that, you don’t need to sleep over to have sex so the contraception conversation has been had she’s on the pill and I’ve spoken about doubling up and they have access to condoms. The lack of room sharing at the start was more about it not being too intense and the emotional intimacy at a young age rather than physical but since they’ve been together so long and they’re older I felt that it was reasonable to treat it as a grown up relationship. They are going on holiday together with a group in the summer, okayed by his mum, I’m not sure if she thought they’d booked separate rooms?!

I get your point and he is almost 18, but she’s probably thinking if they have separate rooms they won’t be sleeping together. Her concern will be that she gets pregnant no doubt.

Obviously they’ll find a way regardless of the room set up situation, but it does increase the likelihood of them sleeping together if they share a room. I think she thinks you’re being irresponsible, rightly or wrongly, but he needs to take precautions himself too.

His mum sounds weirdly controlling, or very naive.

i think you’re right although I think she is naïve if she thinks 2 17/18 year olds who have been in a relationship for almost 2 years aren’t likely to be having sex and I think it’s slightly irresponsible of her if she hasn’t been having this conversation with her son.
I am also worried she may get pregnant but feel ignoring the topic won’t prevent pregnancy, open conversation and support to access contraception is by far the best way to prevent it. I also want her to be able to come to me if she does get pregnant so we can discuss her options early, and we have already discussed how she might feel if this happened. Don’t get me wrong I’m not promoting sex at 17 but I’m realistic and when I hear tales of her peers drunken fumbles with randoms in bedrooms at parties this seems the better option, although ideally I’d lock her away until she was at least 25 🙈

I was shocked to find out tonight that my DS16 had been to a party and stayed at his g/f's parents house and shared a bed! The g/f is also 16 but I don't know that I'd be cool with them sharing a bed if it was at my house. It's daft, I know, if they want to have sex, they will, where ever they can. I tried the 'sex' talk but think I failed miserably. Although interestingly he said that it's not like that, no sex. I'm lost.

I think the issue is mum agreed to separate room sleepovers. She should have been given a heads up when you decided to change the rules.

I think your approach sounds thoughtful and respectful - my daughter’s only 14 but I can see how tricky these decisions get as they get older. You clearly trusted your daughter and set boundaries, which is really all we can do.
It might help to just reply openly and kindly, saying you didn’t mean to overstep, just made a call based on your daughter’s age and the trust you’ve built. It’s such a tricky stage between parenting and letting them grow up. Might also be helpful to read through this article that I came across from another friend: weareluna.app/parents/guides/sex-and-sexual-health/talking-to-your-teen-about-sex/