How to manage 13 Yr old daughter tantrums over clothes.

[SURREYmum2025]

I'm at a bit of an inpasse with my 14 year old daughter. She's obsessed with the way clothes look on her. Unfortunately she's at a school that has no uniform so every single day is a battle field.

She picks clothes online that she likes I order these she tries these on and then won't wear the clothes. By the time this happens the return date has passed and then she has a tanrum when I've sold it on Vinted etc as monts later she may want it. We go to stores and she tries on everything and then I will buy it for her just so I know she has something to wear. Again she won't wear it. Every single day is a battle and to be frank I'm sick to the teeth of it.

We are late every single day for everything.
Any advice??

Stop buying her new stuff 🤷‍♀️

as long as she has a selection of decent clothes she’s fine. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to be conscious of your appearance but she’s treating you like a bottomless purse.

if you want to be kinder give her a budget (seasonly maybe) and once she’s spent it that’s it.

What is wrong with the clothes, why does she not like them?
Have you tried taking her to a shopping centre and actually trying stuff on before buying it?

Put your foot down and stop pandering to it. It’s as simple as that.

Apply a clothing budget and once that’s gone, nothing else until the next season/year.

DT’s were at a non uniform school - it was easy at that age. They decided what to wear - usually jeans/hoodie or shorts/tshirt.
At 14 they were responsible for getting themselves up, dressed and to school on time.

Yes. Ive taken her and we try on everything she likes. A lot of the time she tries on clothes in holister etc and if it fits we take pictures and I'll order it off vinted.

Give her a clothing budget per month and stick to it. I let my daughter choose her clothes up to a specific budget each month. She soon learned to value spending the money wisely

If only I knew. Too small, too tight, too big. They all look great in her. She does Gymnastics and has an incredible figure. Literally nothing looks bad on her.

Give her an allowance and she chooses the clothes. If she doesn't wear them then the amount they cost is deducted from next month's allowance. Absolutely ridiculous she is getting away with this brattish behaviour.

Thanks. I think i needed this direct chat. I feel like I've been pandering to her as her siblings all do other stuff (high level activities) & she doesnt. So I think I've been over compensating with her.......

The issue is a teen girl gymnast with issues around her body and what she looks like.

On a simple clothes level - she has a budget and has to stick to it.

Lateness - she starts experiencing some consequences, such as she gets left behind.

In terms of her obsessing about her body and what she looks like - that's a lot harder! It takes time to learn that we wear clothes every day, and if every single outfit isn't perfect, that's OK, there's always tomorrow. And outside the teen years there is far less focus on what you are wearing anyway.

Get her up early on a Sunday once and month and go to the carboot sale. Give her a budget, 20 quid would be ample, and let her buy some stuff. What she doesn't like or fit help her list on vinted to raise the funds for the next carboot.
Sort out clothes for each day the night before.

I remember feeling incredibly self-conscious at that age and feeling that what I wore was so important in terms of social currency and how other people would react to me and how they would treat me. I tied myself up in hideous mental knots, I was so anxious about it, the fear that if I wore the wrong thing I would get laughed at or bullied. This is about her self-esteem. For whatever reason, it needs work (honestly that's hardly unusual in teen girls).

Obviously as you grow older you realise you got that all wrong but at the time it didn't make me feel any better about it to have my mother completely dismiss something that felt so important to me.

Clearly you can't just go on buying and wasting money and of course she shouldn't tantrum (this sounds like panic and fear to me - I didn't dare tantrum for fear of getting beaten but if I ever came close to it I remember it being sheer panic in my mind). Try and talk to her and be understanding, stop buying online or only do as you said, buy online after trying on in the shops. Give her a budget and help her work with it. Mostly try and build her confidence in herself and her own style.

Thanks. Some good tips here. I am worried about her self esteem.

I was like that as a teenager ( and it went on for a long while after that too, not tantrums, but getting increasingly upset as nothing felt and looked right), and just feeling more and more desperate and then being unable to make a choice at all. Being late for everything, changing multiple times day ( did that from pre school days) being told I was being too vain/ that it didn't matter what I was wearing. I don't know what caused it, but it wasn't being a brat, it was a form of anxiety. I still get it, but to a more limited extent.
What helped:
Planning what I was going to wear in advance based on weather, activities and so on.
Getting rid of things that weren't right, analysing what was wrong ( usually something like a seam being uncomfortable, sleeves not quite right) , and then working out if that could be altered. If not, then get rid.
Having someone take my issues seriously, so then being able to talk me through it and being able to rely on their opinion ( thanks DH). This is where you saying she looks great in everything doesn't help. She will find it easier if you can actually be more constructive, as in " Both dresses look nice, but the blue is more flattering/shows off your great legs etc", or " that outfit would be perfect for x event, especially if you added that red jacket, it hits exactly the right note" or even if necessary " Sorry, that does you no favours, green isn't your colour/it doesn't hang right". She'll trust your opinion more if you don't always say she looks great.
Trying on outfit combinations in advance and photographing them, so that she knows that these leggings work with these 2 hoodies and trainers, but if she is wearing them with a t shirt then it needs to be that bra etc.
It's a lot of time to invest in sorting out this issue, but it's making both of you upset, so something has to change.
Also, as a previous poster said, body image is known to be an issue with gymnasts, and the clothes thing is probably ( definitely) linked to self esteem. Maybe that needs to be tackled too.

Thanks that's a really thoughtful comment. I was a bit more of a not givr a shit what anyone thought teenager. So I do feel at a loss with her. I k ow sometimes I do lose my patience though.

@DelphiniumBlue Those are some really thoughtful and helpful suggestions. Well done.

Could she be being bullied and the acting out is trying to tell you something more? (I hope not, but a careful conversation might help). Anger and frustration can be a hormonal symptom too. Does she apologise? Understand why herself?

I know she struggles with friends. She and her twin attend the same school (both girls) and they have the same friendship group. I feel like she finds this pressurising sometimes. They are a group of very sport Athletic girls and aside from Gymnastics (which she does for fun not to compete) all the friends are super competitive in thier sports. She does feel left out sometimes. But she has more friends outside of school.

You say you try brand new clothes on in a store and then order them from Vinted. Isn't Vinted usually for pre-worn stuff? Is it possible she "doesn't fancy" the clothes knowing they're second hand? Sorry if I'm talking crap.

Could that be the problem, the clothes she tries on and likes are brand new, but the ones she gets are second hand of vinted and don't fit as well/someone else has worn them . My niece is same age and her mum does the same takes her shopping then buys on vinted to save money and my niece then won't wear them as in her mind it's gross having someone else's cast offs .

Do you not just buy the clothes from the shop? I’m a single parent and have brought my kids up with no financial help but I’d rather get them brand new clothes from shein than get them to try on nice new clothes and then buy them 2nd hand online

vinted is fine and it’s great to get a bargain but if you’re not the one paying then the joy of the “bargain” is kind lost and you just have 2nd hand clothes ☹️

She likes the expensive stuff from holister etc and Zara and I always find brand new with tags for cheaper on vinted. I am assuming mums of teen girls doing the same as mine....

A budget, and she tries items in when they arrive and decides immediately where to keep or return.

Is it a self esteem thing?

Yeah it maybe self esteem. Thanks for all your comments. Whenever she is like this and has a tantrum (like today) I find it affects me all day and I cannot shift this feeling of sadness... it's so weird.