DD17 is being bullied by her 'best friend'

NestEmptying · 2025-06-14T09:02:44+00:00

DD has been at college since Sept on a theatre course and has developed a friendship with one girl, let's call her Julie, which I thought up to now was normal but she's come to me in tears just now and I need advice. Tensions are high because they have an end of term performance tonight but there's no excuse. DD said Julie has been hitting her, she said 'Julie doesn't realise how hard she hits', DD has told her several times to stop and she hasn't. Julie wants DD to be only friends with her and is unreasonable about it. DD is I think just realising how bad it has got. To give an example, apparently last week DD was sitting with other people on the course Julie came over, hit her on the back and aggressively asked why she was sitting with them and not her. DD says she pushed Julie away as she was angry for being hit and Julie then strops off and won't talk to DD. Later on, Julie messed up her rehearsal and is blaming DD for it because she stressed her out! Classic abuser behaviour I think. We thought Julie was nice! She presents as a lovely girl and I have met her mum - she is a bit over-protective but seems OK. I invited Julie into our home a few times and now I feel so guilty for exposing DD to bullying. I had no idea. DD always said she liked her! Anyway, to today. DD goes to an amateur theatre group on Saturdays, she loves it there and the people are really friendly and welcoming. Julie wants to join. She is going along today and that's why DD has finally broke down and talked to us about it. She was in tears thinking Julie will spoil her friendships at this group. I don't know Julie's side of this but there's no excuse for hitting. I have said that she's not not DDs friend and DD needs to distance herself. She knows this but is finding it hard. I also think she needs to tell the adult leaders at theatre group and at college before it gets worse, this girl can't go around hitting people! Especially my DD! She needs to be told. I feel awful for DD and could do with some advice on how to help her.

Original poster

NestEmptying · 14/06/2025 10:03

Oh... and tonight is the last performance for college and then they break up for the summer - but the theatre group go on through the break.
I don't want this girl spoiling things but DD is 17 and needs to fight her own battles. What can I do? I feel like smacking the girl myself - I obviously am not going to do that.

DD doesn't want me to talk to the leaders but should I? Should I call this girl's mother?

OP posts:

Balloonhearts · 14/06/2025 10:05

Tell the theatre group Immediately. We would block someone joining in these circumstances but only if we know ahead of time.

Twelftytwo · 14/06/2025 10:05

I think your dd needs to stand up to her and say "why did you just hit me!"
Don't retaliate physically obviously.
She could also say she'll report her to the police if she ever hits her again.

yestothat · 14/06/2025 10:06

Are there SN involved here? This doesn’t sound like normal 17 year old girl behaviour, neither does you being so involved.
you definitely shouldn’t phone the girls mother, but should talk to the college or at least encourage dd to.

Original poster

NestEmptying · 14/06/2025 10:13

yestothat · 14/06/2025 10:06

Are there SN involved here? This doesn’t sound like normal 17 year old girl behaviour, neither does you being so involved.
you definitely shouldn’t phone the girls mother, but should talk to the college or at least encourage dd to.

No SN that we know of. Not sure what you mean by 'involved'.
But yes I have told DD she needs to report this at college.

OP posts:

Original poster

NestEmptying · 14/06/2025 10:16

Balloonhearts · 14/06/2025 10:05

Tell the theatre group Immediately. We would block someone joining in these circumstances but only if we know ahead of time.

I fear it's too late. Julie has gone today to the group for a taster session. That's what I am worried about.

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MyKingdomForACat · 14/06/2025 10:22

I had one of these in the last office I worked in. Absolute torment. Def some sort of undiagnosed personality disorder. Needs to be dumped or kept at arm’s length. Sorry that’s not much help but I do feel for your daughter x

UniqueRedSquid · 14/06/2025 10:26

At 17 she probably just needs to tell Julie to eff off?

anytipswelcome · 14/06/2025 10:31

“I don’t want to be friends with someone who hits me and you’ve done it more than once so please leave me alone.”

Get her to practice a phrase like that at home loads so she can then repeat it when she sees her.

I would tell the theatre group what’s happened too, so they can then make an informed decision about who joins.

They have a safeguarding responsibility after all and may not want the hassle of someone physically abusive joining.

yestothat · 14/06/2025 10:34

NestEmptying · 14/06/2025 10:13

No SN that we know of. Not sure what you mean by 'involved'.
But yes I have told DD she needs to report this at college.

Show quote history

I have a 17 year old and we don’t have any input in her friendships.

the idea of you inviting Julie to your home and meeting and wanting to call her mum in odd to me as is the random hitting, I don’t think Julie is simply abusive.

I think you need to work on your dds confidence and assertiveness and step back, she needs to be encouraged deal with issues like this on her own.

HarryVanderspeigle · 14/06/2025 10:46

It doesn't really matter if Julie has SN or not, she can't go around hitting people. Your daughter needs to know that bullies continue unless someone stands up to them.

whowhatwerewhy · 14/06/2025 14:13

Your DD needs to be assertive, she’s already done this by pushing Julie away. So every time “Julie please don’t hit me “ “ Julie stop “ “ Julie I will choose who I sit with not you “

Zanthe · 14/06/2025 14:32

Your poor daughter. What a horrible situation to be in. I would advise her to be very firm. “DO NOT hit me”, “do not touch me”, “don’t put your hand on me ever again”, “I’m sitting here because I want to”, etc. No pleases or thank yous. It’s really unfortunate that Julie has joined the theatre group but this is a good opportunity for your daughter to practice being firm and to set things up for how they’ll be when returning to college after the summer (e.g. no longer besties!) as Julie is now coming into your daughter’s manor and she may find it easier to be more assertive here than at college. It’s great that you are looking to support her in this as it’s obviously a really horrid situation to be dealing with and is likely affecting her self esteem. So I would also be reminding her of how awesome she is. X

Original poster

NestEmptying · 14/06/2025 14:52

Zanthe · 14/06/2025 14:32

Your poor daughter. What a horrible situation to be in. I would advise her to be very firm. “DO NOT hit me”, “do not touch me”, “don’t put your hand on me ever again”, “I’m sitting here because I want to”, etc. No pleases or thank yous. It’s really unfortunate that Julie has joined the theatre group but this is a good opportunity for your daughter to practice being firm and to set things up for how they’ll be when returning to college after the summer (e.g. no longer besties!) as Julie is now coming into your daughter’s manor and she may find it easier to be more assertive here than at college. It’s great that you are looking to support her in this as it’s obviously a really horrid situation to be dealing with and is likely affecting her self esteem. So I would also be reminding her of how awesome she is. X

DD came back from theatre group in a better place.
You are dead right about being on her manor giving her confidence. She went to lunch with her friend as usual and Julie came along but was moody. DD thinks because she didn't want the other girl to be there. Then when she got a chance Julie said she was 'sad' because she didn't get to talk to her. DD then said 'that's not my problem'. I think this will be the start of them growing apart with any luck.
If any hitting happens again DD has promised to tell someone.

OP posts:

Zanthe · 14/06/2025 14:59

NestEmptying · 14/06/2025 14:52

DD came back from theatre group in a better place.
You are dead right about being on her manor giving her confidence. She went to lunch with her friend as usual and Julie came along but was moody. DD thinks because she didn't want the other girl to be there. Then when she got a chance Julie said she was 'sad' because she didn't get to talk to her. DD then said 'that's not my problem'. I think this will be the start of them growing apart with any luck.
If any hitting happens again DD has promised to tell someone.

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Aw, I’m really pleased to read this. I suspect that Julie now realises she will no longer get away with bullying your daughter. X

Original poster

NestEmptying · 14/06/2025 15:07

yestothat · 14/06/2025 10:34

I have a 17 year old and we don’t have any input in her friendships.

the idea of you inviting Julie to your home and meeting and wanting to call her mum in odd to me as is the random hitting, I don’t think Julie is simply abusive.

I think you need to work on your dds confidence and assertiveness and step back, she needs to be encouraged deal with issues like this on her own.

Show quote history

I only met her mum by chance at a performance and we swapped numbers when Julie was staying here after a night out.
I am not sure about SN but do think Julie is probably a narcissist or at least very young emotionally. She seems to think DD is responsible for her emotions which is a bit immature of her at 17.

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thatsawhopperthatlemon · 14/06/2025 15:08

NestEmptying · 14/06/2025 10:03

Oh... and tonight is the last performance for college and then they break up for the summer - but the theatre group go on through the break.
I don't want this girl spoiling things but DD is 17 and needs to fight her own battles. What can I do? I feel like smacking the girl myself - I obviously am not going to do that.

DD doesn't want me to talk to the leaders but should I? Should I call this girl's mother?

She is 17 and legally still a child. What would you do if she was still at school instead of college? I know what I'd do, which would be to contact the school and tell them what's going on.

This girl is getting away with it, and nobody is intervening on your dd's behalf, and she isn't coping on her own. Your dd needs an advocate, and this college will have a safeguarding and student welfare policy. They need to know. Tell them.

Jamandtoastfortea · 14/06/2025 18:26

Does she have a progress tutor at college? Could she email her about this? It’s a safeguarding issue and thry will escalate it for her. Alternatively as she’s only 17 you can contact them on her behalf.

longnapenthusiast · 19/06/2025 14:43

I'm sorry to hear that OP - that's really tough. Based on what you've said, please know it wasn't your fault. We can't always tell with these kinds of things. Seems you are already doing a great job by asking for help and listening to your dd! Hitting and for that long is not okay at all - I'd personally talk to the school but you have to have a gentle conversation with your daughter about it so you are involving her and not going in the dark.

But that is just my opinion, found a resource here that could be really helpful https://weareluna.app/parents/guides/relationships/dealing-with-bullying/ best of luck to you OP and hoping dd finds better friends and is kept safe and protected