Adhd teen finding school hard, getting in trouble, don't know how to help him

[Needadvice2974]

My son we think has adhd but still waiting on diagnosis.
More hyper when younger, now struggles with impulsiveness and focus. Has struggled with school since his very first day age 4 , he is now 14.
every teacher, every school report all say the same thing, that he has a fantastic personality and is very entertaining but struggles in a classroom, gets distracted easily. He had always been averge to above average academically but never actually tries hard with work, won't do homework etc . He has a classroom support plan to help, he sits at the front etc.
He will soon be going into year 10. Over the past 12 months with puberty kicking in and getting older I've noticed more changes in him that I'm struggling with. We have always been so close and he is a joy to be around away from school. Adults adore him and he has many friends. When he leaves school it is going to be extremely important to guide him down a career path that doesn't involve sitting at a desk etc
He has started to mess around more in lessons with others in the class and is given negative behaviour points every day that all say the same thing - not listening/talking when the teacher is talking/not paying attention.
He has been given some detentions and time in reflection. But nothing works .
I get that he finds it harder than most but I'm finding it so difficult to understand why he can't just shut up in lesson. I was a very sensible child and always wanted to please teachers. I never had a detention etc and would have been very upset if I was ever told off about anything. We are so very different to each other.
We've tried punishments, bribery, treats for good behaviour scores but nothing work. I have had many talks with him about his future and he needs to buckle down now but after 30 seconds of me talking I've lost his attention. It's very frustrating.
Has anyone been through similar and come out the other end with their child? Im wishing these last 2 years away as I just want him to finish school and get a job but is that wishful thinking?

I’m at the earlier stage of it all but DD has ADHD and frankly never shuts up. But restraint is insanely hard for her, so it’s not going to happen. Her teachers implement all sorts of things to help reduce the issue - but always things that work WITH her, not punishments (which have no effect at all).

In terms of him not listening after 30s - for an ADHD child you are (1) lecturing (2) using too many words and (3) taking too long. Cut out all superfluous words and do not repeat point.

For classroom behaviour - what else has the school put in place? Movement breaks? Corridor pass?

If he’s behaving worse, it’s likely there’s a change in environment that he’s not handling well. Maybe it’s because year 10 is much more ‘shut up, sit down and learn’ at the school than before. Maybe the teacher(s) in question have a teaching style that he can’t gel with. Maybe there’s another stressor.

Problematic behaviours minimise when the root cause is identified and tackled - fixation on the behaviour itself has no effect. So you need to find the cause, and you’ll need to talk to the school to do it.

I get that he finds it harder than most but I'm finding it so difficult to understand why he can't just shut up in lesson.

If he does have ADHD, this is like telling a child who needs glasses but you can't afford them, that they should just try harder to see the board.

Unfortunatley, without a diagnosis, medication, which is SUPER helpful, is not an option. So you have to look at what options exist within the framework you have.

Will write more later as I have to take a quick call. But really really wanted to answer rapidly as I feel your pain, but also really really feel his too.

This is a new school that he moved to at the beginning of year 9 so that has alot to do with it although he was exactly the same before.
The school is aware of all of his issues and I do not blame them one bit for becoming frustrated with him. If he is talking and distrupting the class he shouldn't be allowed to get away with it.
But.... there aren't any allowances being made. I dont even know if there can be? He given the negative points every day which means he ends up going on report.
This just happens over and over again in a loop.
We have parents evening next week so I will be interested to see what is said then.

Okay, a few suggestions.

One, talk to the school about what they can put in place. Movement breaks, being one - can the school facilitate that?

Do they have personal devices in the classroom for lessons/homework - in which case, it might be that letting him follow the lesson on there is easier for him than on a screen.

what movement/exercise does he get routinely? Ideally, he should be doing some sort of sport that he enjoys on a regular basis, at school or out of school. DS' school allows the children to play football on a field at break times from year 9 - I have found tha tt obe quite helpful in helping DS to self regulate during lessons.

How is his sleep? Is this a challenge. In our case, DS has gummies he takes to help him sleep and I do my best not to allow him to get what we call "cumulatively tired" even if that means a ridiculous lie in on the weekends.

Your attempts at bribery are not a bad idea. Just have to tailor it and make it achievable. We went for reducing the number of demerits. Stopping them completely was ridiculous at that point. But if he got fewer, that went in the win column. Money was a big motivator. But I went for lots of small rewards for good days - his favourite meal or baking him something he liked. Or taking him to the gym for a swim. Or watching a movie or whatever.

Its a school that has a higher percentage of boys . He made the decision to insert himself into the group of the popular ones /sporty ones/ hard ones as he calls them, for his protection! He's said he'd rather be with them as he feels safer. Which i understand but that means he's being silly to try and impress them aswell i feel.
He is not like that at all, he is a sensitive boy who would do much better with a group of more sensible calmer boys but he just won't do that

The friend group may not be the best - but ADHD kids are often the ‘class clown’ as a protective measure. No one laughs at you if they are laughing with you/you cause it. So his behaviour may be indicating that he is feeling very insecure.

It’s another thing to talk to the school about. What are they seeing and how can they help.

With the school itself - you need to be a squeaky wheel. What decisions have they made on ways to accommodate him? Have these been cascades to all his teachers? At the demerits indicating they are not being followed? If it’s not working, what else does the school propose to do?

Not all school handle SEN well - just because they know of his difficulties does not mean you’ll get enough support without pushing for it. We assume that the schools will mange it well, but often they don’t.

But.... there aren't any allowances being made. I dont even know if there can be? He given the negative points every day which means he ends up going on report.
This just happens over and over again in a loop.

You need to advocate for him. We had a similar issue and he was on report. his demerits WERE lower, but instead of seeing that as a step in the right direction, he kept going up a level on report because they still went over the school's level. In our case, I foudn talking to his form teacher very helpful and she advocated for him within the school as well, checked in with him a lot etc. I also emailed the head of year and pointed out that instead of rewarding him for improvement, he was being further punished. They put in place a "positive report" which frankly, was a waste of time BUT did have the benefit of taking the focus off the negative report so I guess that's a win?

I also complained about detentions - I had no problem with him having detention. I had a huge issue with him getting detention and being expected to sit in silence in a room for an hour. I think they swapped to a detention with the HOY which was a smaller group and they had to write an essay or something instead of sitting in silence in a big hall with 100 students.

The friendship group thing is understandable. We had similar. But it settled down. if he's at a new school, he just needs that time. Again, have you encouraged him to join any sports or activity clubs where he might be more likely to meet like minded students? Drama /music club can be a good one (although my DS refused. Sigh) and obviously any sports groups.

I could have written this exact post! My son is the same year, bright full of character but won’t study. He has also started stimming a lot after school noises, whistling and generally restless after trying to mask at school. We are also in process of trying to get a diagnosis combination ADHD/ASD.
sorry no advice!