Boundaries for 14/15 year olds?

[bakingmad123]

I’m trying to figure out normal boundaries for my DD - she’s 14, almost 15. Year 9 but the oldest pretty much in her year. Has a mix of year 9 and year 10 friends and also a y9 boyfriend (age 13, one of the youngest in their year) who she’s been with for 8 months.

Main areas I can’t figure out as they seem to vary so widely amongst her friends are:

bedtime - what’s reasonable? Locking their phone? If so, what time?

curfew - going out and about with friends of an evening or weekend ( for what it’s worth we are rural and everywhere is small villages joined together and walkable) - what time for home? Different for weekdays? Different for summer / winter (time it gets dark)

boundaries with boyfriend - okay in room with door open (bungalow so not tucked away upstairs)? How often to check? Watching films on bed together? What about hickeys - normal or worrying?!

Ive deliberately not said what we do right now as I really want some input without bias - what do you do? What’s reasonable?!

thank you so much - frazzled mum of a teenager xxx

Apologies for grammar - posting on phone and whilst fielding kittens jumping on me!!

My son who is nearly 14 goes to sleep at 9.30 on school nights and on weekends I try for 10.30 but it’s sometimes later. He doesn’t have devices over night (from 9ish) and the phone and laptop have restrictions on them. I also try to limit screens during the day on weekends etc but it’s a battle. We haven’t experienced the other issues yet!

My son is slightly younger but I also struggle to decide all these points.

Phone overnight...every single teen will.argue this but I just steel myself and think into the future when they are older they will be glad you did it. No 25 year old will say oh mum thanks for letting me send Snapchat messages at 1am like I was so desperate to at 15. This is a bitter row in our home and yes some parents are lax but this is one to stick to.

I always let my son stay out in summer if he is being social as late as feels okay...8 or 9 even if in park on a week day weekend depends what they are doing..

I feel to fight back against screen culture ill always encourage real life socialising to as high an extent as possible

I got pregnant at 16 from having my boyfriend in my room unsupervised so I'd be nervous of that !! Is she open and honest about sex etc (I wasn't)

No phone overnight for a year yet, quite young for boyfriend to be on bed but definitely keep the door open rule and hickeys are just horrible and I would not be that happy with those. Bedtime 9:30-10 on a school night later at weekends with flex as they go into year 10 if there are parties later in the year. No hanging out in the dark if not at some ones house. But talk to her, keep connecting and work with her otherwise she will just lie.

I have a 15yo DS and 13yo DD.
-Bedtimes are 9 for DD and 930 for DS in the week, an hour later at the weekend. DS has started to ask for this to be relaxed in the holidays so we're in the negotiation stage.
-Tech (Phones, XBox, Laptops) all off an hour before bed. Phones and Laptops downstairs overnight. The agreement is that once they are paying thier own phone bills, they can have them as much as they want.
-Going out, this isn't something my 2 do a lot as thier friends are not local to us so if they are out, we have usually taken them and they are at someone's house.

• DS has had 1 girlfriend that came round, they spent time in his room chilling on his bed and watching a film. The door was open enough that I could check on them in the mirror near his door but they felt they had some space. My friend was allowing her son to have his friends and GF over in thier summer house and he had sex at 13!

It's an absolute minefield, just know that you know what is right for your child and it's ok if the boundaries are a bit fluid and up for negotiation at times x

Dd15 - phone locks at 11 due to number of activities finishing at 9.30 and requiring travel home. Bedtime flexible. Phone and laptop downstairs overnight.
She doesn't bring boys home. Would strongly discourage being in her room with door shut if she did.
We retain the right to check her phone.
Expected to be in for meals at the weekend.

DS13 phone locks at 9 other than the one night he's out and walks home at 9.30.

Bedtime 9.30-10ish.
Regular screen time bans for either poor judgment with online activities or other behaviours.

Rarely goes out (friends not in village) so most social contact is virtual but 3 f2f activities through the week.
Expected to be here for meals.

Mine are 15 and 18.
15 year old - he just goes to bed when I do, which is around 10.30/11pm on week nights. Weekends he can go whenever. He leaves his phone in the lounge when he goes to bed, apart from that I don't really have phone rules, but honestly haven't needed to as he is a bit of an old soul and not big on social media!

Curfew - this hasn't been an issue for him as he only goes out during the day, so far. When my oldest was around 16 and started going out at night it was just case by case basis though, I didn't find a set time really worked for me/him. Will probably be the same for my youngest.

Girlfriend - haven't had this yet either. I think at 15 I would let them go in the bedroom so they had some privacy, but my oldest didn't get his first serious girlfriend until 18 (her the same age) so haven't had to decide on that one.

My DD13 goes to bed around 10pm, no phone upstairs rule. I think time with friends depends where they are and what they are doing. For example she can go and hang at the park but she’s not allowed to do that for hours on end.

That’s so helpful, thank you!! I think I concur with the majority of posters, with the exception of bedtime 😬

DD has her phone but it locks 10pm - 7am weekdays and locks midnight - 7am weekends. Her “bedtime” on weekdays is half ten: and pretty much up to her on weekends. This really has come about though as she’s always been a bad sleeper - even as a very small child she’d shout out “night mum” when I walked past her bedroom around half ten - despite having been in bed (with obviously do devices at that age) since half seven. This has been really helpful, thank you!!!

DD is 15. O boyfriend so can’t advice on that.

She’s always been a night owl so bedtime is around 10.30 in the week and similar or a bit later at the weekends.

No phones for anyone is rooms overnight, I try to remember to get them off her at 10, but often it’s when she goes to bed. But never left in the room overnight, ditto iPad.

When she goes out with friends I like her back before it gets dark (we are in inner city London), but really I way say around 7ish - she doesn’t go out after school much, more likely out in town during the day.

The good thing is she is very open with me, which is amazing. For example, she said her boyfriend would like to have sex, but she explained she’s nowhere near ready for that and nothing similar other than kissing.

Thank you also for the support and non-judgemental responses - I spent all my teen years in various foster homes so it’s really hard for me to gauge what’s “normal” or the right thing, it seems we have a pretty good balance though so I feel so much better for having made this post!!!

I have a 14 year old son (also year 9 but the youngest in his tiny year group of 26). He is our eldest child so is the one we are making rules up for as we go along 😂 I have always had quite strict limits on tech (no phone until year 7, only 1 hour of Xbox about 3 times a week, no online gaming, no internet browsing on mobile phone (we have a family laptop he uses for homework), no YouTube shorts and no social media at all), but I do discuss all this with him and he understands and accepts the reasoning and the rules. His phone is locked between 8:30pm and 7am and only allows 1 hour on messages, 1 hour on games / Disney+ each day, although at weekends I might allow him a little extra time he rarely uses it up during the week.

Bedtimes are quite different here to in your house, but a lot of that is because he is a competitive athlete so he chooses to get up very early (5am) to swim for 2 hours before school, twice a week and every evening during the week he is out doing endurance / swim / running / bike training. He tends to go to bed between 8:30 and 9pm and reads for 15-30 mins. At weekends he sometimes has races or galas and although I put the time restrictions off on his phone, he often doesn’t even look at it as he’s having fun with his mates. Bedtimes at the weekend depend on what he is doing then next day and vary from 9pm to 10/10:30pm (or 3am if he’s at a sleepover!).

In terms of going out, we are very rural (on a farm) so he tends to have friends over or go to a friends house - their little gang either gather at one of the rural boys houses or they go to the only one who lives in a town and they might go out but his mum has a curfew on them getting back generally. They tend to sleepover at whoever’s house they have gone to at the weekend, it’s rare they meet up in the week as all the boys are busy with sports or other interests (music etc). They go to a private school so perhaps lead a bit more sheltered lives than some kids, and they are mostly from rural houses / farms so are very outdoorsy and independent in that sense but not particularly street wise! One has a girlfriend, the rest don’t yet.

My youngest is 14, and my 17 year old is adamant that I am far too lenient with him - and of course I was more on the ball with the older ones (14 year old is the youngest of 3) although different levels of rules were necessary - oldest wouldn't have wanted to play computer games until 3am where the youngest two would have for example.

Weeknight school term bedtime is 9pm (this is one thing that's been constant for all three) BUT my kids have to be up really early for a very early bus eveibs me a- if they didn't need to be up til 7:30am or something, it could be 10pm happily .

Holiday bedtime is roughly 11pm but I'm very lax with it if he's downstairs with us watching a film or something he can stay up, but not gaming or watching YouTube on his PC.

Phone locks at 9pm and he has to ask for an extra 15 minutes if he needs to check something (he can check for timetable changes on an app for example and sometimes other arrangements for the following day, but generally no extra phone time without reason and only the 15 minutes).

Other stuff hasn't really applied to my kids at 14 tbh - they've obligingly started later with "dating" and wanting to be out later. I'm wary about the "hanging around" late at night and luckily none of mine have been interested in doing this at 14. If he goes to the cinema or bowling or similar there's no specific curfew as I have to fetch him anyway, or he's dropped back by another mum and I'm lucky enough to still know his closest friends' parents because he's still mainly friends with boys from his primary school and nursery!!! (17 year old and his friends "drive around" and it worries me although it's only the novelty of having driving licences/ cars, and he lets me track him on Google maps just in case anything - an accident - happens, so I know where he is if I look. Usually they just sit on one kid's family's covered patio or watch a film at another kid's, but I don't like the aimlessness as I feel something bad might happen - I don't tell him not to go due to his age, though he has a consentual midnight curfew on school nights and is usually home earlier on school nights).

We had a few minor issues with phone related unpleasantness/ bullying with the eldest's friend group when she was 12-13 so no phones in bedrooms overnight is a really firm line for me, but a lot of other things are open to a bit of negotiation as long as it's reasoned.

Have you tried the 'carrot and stick' associated to how well she is doing at school?

Early bedtime if results show she is not getting enough sleep (it might not be the whole reason for losing marks, but she doesn't know that yet), with phones turned off very early so that she doesn't have to sleep with the last conversation on her mind. Works if children have bad dreams.

When marks improve, it not only shows DC needed more sleep, but a reward is called for - at weekends.

Doesn't always work, but worth a try?

So much good advice here. For me the boyfriend in bedroom was a bit of a no no. Yes she's honest and open with you but with that sort of privacy at a young age and bf wanting more, just doesn't sit right.

I'm sure they wouldn't do anything but the opportunity is there and an opened door doesn't mean anything.

Sorry, just my experience of SIL being allowed to have her bf and got pregnant at age 13, abortion, then another bf aged 16 and had her first baby. The dad was young and irresponsible, her parents looked after the baby.

Again apologies, yoir daughter sounds more responsible, just my experience. Xxx

You're talking about rules, not boundaries. There's a huge difference.

Rules are conditions you want other people to observe.

Boundaries are your own responses to situations. Boundaries cannot be imposed on other people because they are all about acknowledging where you end and other people begin.

As far as rules go, I'd make sure the boyfriend is history sooner rather than later.

I'd stop her being out with friends in the evenings unless there's a specific occasion to be out. It's not healthy or necessary for kids to be out with no specific aim in mind in the evenings. I live in a place where it is not the norm - there's no graffiti, no problems with kids necking alcohol in local parks, no petty crime involving kids.

Find your daughter some extra curricular activities to engage in.

The biggest rule I'd insist on, with absolutely no room for compromise whatsoever, is no boys in your child's room at all, ever. Door open or door closed, doesn't matter.

Do not allow any teenage boy to think you have sanctioned any sexual activity he feels like having in your house, under your roof.

Show this boy thst you treasure your daughter and that you will not allow harm to befall her. Show him that she is first and foremost your child, not his girlfriend, and that her room is completely private and off limits.

I would add to that. Little girls can be taught at an early age - before they go to school to NEVER allow a boy to touch their clothes, especially their underclothes. You don't have to say why, just give them the impression that it isn't done, and you don't like it.

It seems harsh and ridiculous, to many, but it is a private thing between DDs and DM, DF, so in a one to one situation, it is different. No need to say why. Make it a rule, not a boundary. They will grow up with that in mind. It might not last to the teens, but it is worth a try.

Did you take the opportunity to tell her there is a law against having sex under 16 for a very good reason, and even then it is better not to start, for health and mental reasons?

I have a 14yr old DD who also has always been a bad sleeper so she doesn't have a bedtime as such but phone locks at 22 on weeknights and 22:30 on weekends (though often I'll change it to midnight).

She doesn't have a curfew as she rarely goes out in the evenings except to D&D club. Would love it if she would hang out with friends in the evenings! If she did I'd probably say she has to head home at nine in the evening. Though she's going on a trip to an amusement park with her friends next week which will mean getting the late train home and not getting to the station until gone 23 but that's an exception and its the summer holidays.

She doesn't have a boyfriend, she finds boys very irritating still, so that's not an issue yet.

@mathanxiety that is actually the saddest thing i've ever read!

no reason for children to hang out (ie. socialise) with other children their own age?!

erm, how about the exact opposite - it's 100 times healthier that they are sitting on swings in a sunny park on a June evening chatting to friends/ being silly/ flirting/ making new friends/ kicking a ball about (all activities my kids do if out) - than sitting at home watching tv/ playing Fifa/ staring at a phone/ just being bored with adults and not developing any social skills

children and teens need to PLAY - be playful - they are sitting down all day at school - where do you think they move their bodies/ have fun/ learn to be human?

It's currently June, the light is beautiful, the evenings are warm - do you know that the UK is unusual in people not being outside in the street/parks/ communal spaces in large numbers? Look at spain/ france/ italy/greece - people literally gather outdoors.

here in the uk we have already lost so much because people think it's better to huddle indoors watching tv

the idea that young people should only be at 'specific activites' or 'school ' is seriously depressing

thankfully in the town I live in I saw lots of young teens and kids out in the summer evening yesterday - on bikes, hanging about and just being normal teens!

Agree. It's healthy and good for children and teenagers to just hang out outside, mess about and have a laugh together.

My son is Year 9 and 14. He's in bed by 9.30 pm on a school night, he needs his sleep and can't function if he doesn't get enough. Obviously he's later on a Friday and Saturday night. All electronic devices are off and hour before bedtime. He's home a lot so the curfew and having girlfriend's isn't an issue at the moment.

Do you really think that?!? Kids can’t hang out without a specific agenda?!