I don't want DS to come home

[FrankTurnersCat]

DS is 18. For the last 3 years, he's been involved with drink & drugs to various levels. He had 9 months of sobriety last year then badly fell off the wagon.
It started when my mum died very suddenly. He & she were extremely close & being 15 etc, he just bottled it all up. Then he started coming home drunk, then high.
Suicide attempt whilst still at school, scraped his GCSE'S.

We've been in a&e over a dozen times in the last 12 months, never mind what I've managed at home. Ketamine & booze are now his weapons of choice, with occasional coke & 2cb (where he nearly died) too.
Last night, he went to his friends birthday party, which he ruined by picking up & then collapsing by 7pm. Another ambulance, another a & e stint.

Im so tired. He's being selfish & arrogant & doesn't seem to care about the damage he's causing. I begged him not to go out today but he walked out & I know he'll have stolen alcohol from somewhere, picked up ket & be out of it. He does have a tracker on his phone so I can see where he is but I haven't called him.
He was getting money from a job, having quit college due to accusations made by his ex which he's still under investigation for.

I know a lot of this is addiction but right now, I don't like him, he's destroying our family & dd is struggling. My ex H won't help and actually used the phrase "to me he's already dead & i won't cry at his funeral"
Ex only moved out 7 weeks ago & I thought the 3 of us were in a stronger happier place.

I don't know where to turn. He has an under 25 substance abuse worker who he sees weekly. He's been referred to several MH bodies who have all said they won't help until he's sober.
He says he takes the drugs to "shut his brain up" & to get away from the mental health stuff.

I don't want him on the streets but I don't think he can be here either.
Has anyone got any advice, support, been I'm anything near the same? I feel like I've failed him

Im going to post this in adult children too, as he's 18 & I'm desperate.

Aaah this is really difficult for you all and I understand that whilst you love him, the toll this is taking on the family is too much.

What stuck out from your post is your DS stating he's using the drugs to shut his brain up. Self medicating poor mental health with substances is common; however, there are few services that work through that lens which is why MH services are saying come back when sober. Can you look in your area and see if there is a dual diagnosis service?

Was his father abusive to you or him? His statement is a very odd thing for a reasonable and loving parent to say, even one pushed to their limits. I can't imagine you'd ever say that?
YANBU to not want him in your home and you could technically kick him out but given his addiction issues he probably wouldn't get a place in a young person's hostel and would end up living with a bunch of adult men with addiction, criminality and homelessness issues. It could be the thing that pushes him to sort himself out but equally it might not.

Not to this extent but when my dc went off the rails a bit I just remained outwardly steady (even though inside I worried a lot).

Your son has had a difficult time. His father sounds horrible, lazy and unsupportive. His attitude is not going to help any of you.

Your son needs love. Try to remain loving, steady and strong for him.

How does a young man even get into this mess in the first place? What happened to make a 15 year old turn to drink and drugs?

Having a dad say they are dead to him can’t be helping and makes me think it’s parental failure. He’s never going to get on track with ones that don’t want him.

My DD went similarly totally off the rails following suicide of her 2 friends 2 years apart. Ambulances, A&Es, police you name it. I was totally powerless as she did not listen/ care and she was too deep in the self destruction to care. Services? She did get some support when under 18, including ADHD diagnosis, but that all stopped when she turner 18, As technically she was adult but yet not mature enough to make decisions or manage life. As a result missed repeated appointments / did not attend any follow ups arranged from hospital. And I was not informed of any.

Eventually something clicked and changed. She dropped people she used to hang out with, deleted most social media accounts and started to stay at home and not go out. The blessing she has is couple of good, sensible friends who would also talk with her/ contact me directly if worried about her. Often I had long conversations with her best friend as we tried to find a way to get through to her/ figure out where she was/ if ok. I will be forever thankful to those few.

Absolutely exhausted from it. Still fearful she could fall back into it and petrified if it happens. Trying to stay positive and build the trust again but its really hard as at her worst she was lying about so many things, and although I appreciate she was unwell, some things were incredible hurtful. I still flinch if I see ambulance with sirens going in direction where she is and automatically reach to phone to call her to check she is ok and that the ambulance is not for her.

I hope it gets better for you and your son as well. My daughter often says that you cant change people until they decide to change themselves. And that is true. You can be there, but the change needs to come from them. If there is anyone who they respect/ listen maybe they will listen to them.

Popstarrrr - this is a good idea, thank you.

Forty Elephants - yes, his father was horribly abusive to all of us. Physically & mentally

Reachforthesunshine - I'm trying to remain steady & loving, I really am but I'm on my knees with stress & exhaustion. Something needs to give & I'm scared it might be me.

Babystarsandmoon - I've found out over the last 3 years that where we live has a massive county lines problem. As I said, it started when my mum died & he tried to bury his grieving, then the old story of wrong crowd, lying etc. I love him hugely & when sober & on track, he's the best. But addiction has him. I agree, his father is an abusive bully.

Blueborrage - I'm so sorry your daughter has been through it too. I know exactly the feeling. I just feel sick & anxious all the time. He did have some good friends but they've given up just this weekend as he ruined one of their birthdays by picking up, then collapsing.