TW teen self harming help please

[Dunnowhattodo25]

I think my 13yr old dd is cutting herself with a razor.

However she is drawing my attention to it, she had scratches on her arm, and said to me she had run into her wardrobe, same with marks on her leg.

I've checked her phone and the history is how to stop scarring. There's a razor in her bedside drawer that I have left as that seems to be the advice.

She's not good at talking about anything and will clam up so I don't know how to approach this. She seems OK otherwise? I'm so confused and I just feel sick.
Any advice appreciated.

I think it is important to talk about it in a very low key way. Partly, this is because any intense reaction will reinforce the idea that self-harm is a way to get a dramatic and reassuring display of very conspicuous attention and concern. But partly also because she needs to be able to trust you to be able to handle/contain her own intense feelings.

If you think she is doing it to get attention, then the first of those two concerns will be paramount.

But there are other reasons for doing it. For example it is a way of feeling grounded and focused when feelings are running riot. And also (although this sounds incredible) it is a way of dealing with the sheer boredom that results from being too depressed/withdrawn/whatever to be able to lose yourself in any absorbing and pleasurable activity.

In these ways it is functional, superficially 'positive', so she may be unhappy if you very emphatically tell her it is a stupid thing to do.

Communicate that you understand its value, and make sure she is aware of how distressing the scarring will be. In my twenties I cut myself a lot and thought the wounds would heal without scarring. I still have the scars 40 years later and am still too self-conscious to wear short sleeves.

Thank you so much, thats really helpful, I'm sorry you've been through this yourself.

That's one of my concerns, how to handle this, I don't want to make it worse.

Thanks again.

Naomi Fisher is doing some good online courses on low pressure parenting and I think one on communication. I’m not advertising, but look her up. I don’t think the advice is only relevant for ND children and teens.
My DD did this at a similar age. I provided lots of opportunity for low key talking (walks and car usually) and was also direct in saying I wanted her to stop. We had a joint journal at the time - didn’t keep
it up for long but it was helpful for a while. Also lots of curling up together and her crying.
It passed quite quickly. Doesn’t for everyone of course. DD tried some counselling on occasion. I think she found it so painfully cringey that she decided she’d rather talk to me!

Thank you, I've not heard of Naomi Fisher, I will look onto it. Glad it passed quickly for your dd.

It is incredibly common and 13 seems to be peak age - it was age DD started. What seems odd is most of online resources start for 14 and up.

DD did lots of very obvious cuts on her arms and said she fell in a bush. She once did it in front of a TA in class and still said she fell in a bush.

Worth saying she also did a lot of non obvious cutting on tops of her thighs and stomach and that went on a long time after she stopped doing the obvious stuff and I thought she stopped.

We let school know - they already knew - she has EHCP so we were pretty involved with SENCO already. It helped that we were able to present a united front. And it wasn't just cutting she was also having major panic attacks at school.

We paid for v. Expensive therapy, 24 sessions at £90 a time. Definitely worth it - sorted out the self harm. Mostly. But she only really turned a corner when she got anti-depressants at 15.

Hello OP, I've just come across your post looking for advice on this - my dd is 13 too and is self harming. I am speaking to the dr and school and she has been referred to camhs. But I'm also at a loss to know how to help her. I suspect my dd is neurodiverse.

@Dunnowhattodo25 i haven’t got any advice to guve - my 15yo is doing it too, i am really worried. We’ve seen a private psychotherapist and DS wouldnt engage. Now on the waiting list for private psychiatrist but not sure what im looking for…. Feeling quite hopeless.
the only things that seems to have a positive impact is talking to him a bit more, showing interest in him… but that doesnt mean he wont do it… Feel free to pm if you want a chat x

If you can, pay for therapy. And as soon as possible. It will scar.

Remove anything else that she could use. We don't have knives or pencil sharpeners in the house anymore. Or paracetamol etc. I think we are out the other side now my daughter is 16.

@BeamMeUpCountMeIn im glad to hear you are on the other side. Id love some advice - it is really hard to remove everything - i hide a few things but clearly thats not enough. If you removed everything, what did you say to your DD siblings? Im trying to keep it quiet for DS siblings as i think it will just make the issue bigger

Thank you everyone, sorry to hear so many other people are affected.

I spoke to a mental health professional who said if they are unlikely to talk try texting them, they can just reply with an emoji, don't do it too close to bedtime and remove what they have been using. I'm just so worried about handling it badly and making it worse.