Teenage daughter hardly eating - please help

[feedmefudge]

My youngest daughter is nearly 16 and for the past few weeks, has been eating one small meal a day. I am absolutely beside myself with worry and would really appreciate your support.
The reason for it seems to be a family holiday we’re going on, to celebrate my father’s ‘big’ birthday. Last summer on holiday abroad, she went in the pool once, as she was self-conscious about how she looked. So I know that she will be wanting to lose weight for this holiday.
You wouldn’t believe how much I have tried. I have NEVER commented negatively on her weight, as I grew up with that shit. I tell her she’s beautiful. I know that’s not enough in her eyes, so I offer to support her eating healthily (rather than completely shut down how she feels). She doesn’t want to know. She is incredibly stubborn and once an idea is in her head, that’s it. And the idea is to drastically reduce what she eats.
I know that after the holiday, she will go back to eating normally (she did this extreme thing once before, ages ago). I tell her - gently - that she is doing more harm than good this way, and that she’ll end up putting it back on anyway. I offer to buy in all the healthy foods she wants. Anything! But no. I threaten to take her phone away unless she eats. Doesn’t work. I once broke down and cried out of worry. At that point she relented and ate a bowl of Weetabix! 🙄
I am honestly doing my best but feel completely out of my depth. She isn’t overweight, not skinny either. She’s perfect. But obviously doesn’t see it. I feel bad for saying it, but two weekends ago, she had a sleepover round a friend’s and it felt like a weight had been lifted off me. A night off from the worry, knowing that she was having fun with her friend and eating (because she wouldn’t want to appear weird in front of a friend).
She has also been a school refuser in the latter stages of high school, but has a college place lined up for after summer. The stress of the school refusal nearly sent me over the edge. And now this. Bless her, she’s wonderful and I love her with all my heart. But she has always been the ‘difficult’ one. I suspect ADHD (not the hyperactive kind) but she would refuse to engage with any counselling.
I can’t force her to eat so, please, what do I do?

Make sure you buy her vitamins and iron supplements so she does not become anemic. Obviously she needs to eat. Could you buy her a few things with few calories melon, chicken breast, etc. would she eat those? At least she'd be getting some nutrients. If she starts to lose a lot of weight you'll have to speak to her GP. Personally I would put a stop to the holiday, as then she'd have no reason to starve herself.

Thank you for the reply. I thought about cancelling but she adores her grandfather and wants to be there for him.
Have offered all of those foods but she’s not interested. Good point about the supplements though.

Hi, could you try putting a bit of a grazing plate of healthy but highly nutritious food in her room (if that's where she's hanging out) or accessible for her so she might subconsciously snack on bits?

Don't make a thing of it, just have it available/slip it onto the side of the room she's spending time in....

Brilliant idea, thank you. She’s limited on what she will eat but is also incredibly lazy 🤣 So she may well relent if it’s just ‘there’.

Please please don’t cry in front of her or in anyway link her not eating to your emotions.

I was full blown anorexic-bulimic and my dad once said to me “this really upsets your mother”, and I couldn’t process my emotions at the time, but looked back on it years later with a “wtf?”

You mentioned limited diet, set mindset and school refusal as well as being 'difficult' in general - if you're considering ND I'd look at autism rather than ADHD.

If she’s eating less then 500 calories for two weeks you need an urgent referral to the eating disorder clinic via your Gp.

She might be better with an apprenticeship

Less then 500 calories a day

Disordered eating is part of adhd and autism. There’s a lot of info out there - have a look

my DD does similar.

I find that if I prepare a plate of fruit and just casually mention it’s in the fridge for her she will eat it. It’s extremely hard to remain calm but it does seem to help her eat more.

here in solidarity

Is she on TikTok? If so I’d consider putting a stop to that. I am trying to lose a bit of weight at the moment and noticed that there’s quite toxic stuff about weight loss on there. There’s also a lot of good advice but it has occurred to me that some of it could have affected me this way when I was a teenager.

The ED team won't be interested - they're overwhelmed and if she's a normal weight and it's only a short term thing she won't meet the criteria for treatment. It's crap but true.

Is she losing weight? You mention she only eats one small meal a day but is a healthy weight. This must be impacting her weight somehow unless she is secretly eating at other times or was overweight to start with.

You say you don’t discuss weight with her but she needs some guidance around healthy weight maintenance if she was overweight and body conscious otherwise this is where the crash dieting comes in. However, with the school issues aswell I agree there might be some ND factors at play.

When you say you ‘threaten to take her phone away but it doesn’t work’ have you actually taken it away? If not, do it. Most teenager are so addicted to their phone they will do anything to have it.

let her meal plan with you - breakfast and tea. Let her restrict if she wants to lose weight for holiday (unless it’s to a dangerous weight) take her phone off her at 9pm. Once she’s eaten the agreed breakfast she can have it back til teatime. Then if she eats the agreed tea she keeps it for the evening, if not she loses the phone until breakfast the next day.

Friends daughter is anorexic and can go many days without eating anything. When she does eat it is to get access to her phone. It is exceptionally hard though.

You said you grew up with comments about your weight? Was it from the family you are going away with? Even if they haven’t said things directly to her she may be aware they are people who judge others weight/looks

My daughter has luna too - she absolutely loves it and has looked at a lot of the recipe/healthy eating/body confidence stuff on there