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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

When bribary fails - what then?

19 replies

Toastandmarmite999 · 07/06/2025 19:07

Lone parent to a 13 year old DD here.
There are times when she has to do things she doesn't want to, like homwork, or completing her DofE tasks etc.

However, she is incredibly stubborn anyway and has just refused to do her homework despite now being grounded and having no extras like screentime etc for the next 2 weeks - doesn't seem to care.

What now? How do you handle these situations?

OP posts:
devildeepbluesea · 07/06/2025 19:10

Leave her to it. The only person affected is her. Time to learn a life lesson.

FWIW i frequently say to DD, “It’s no skin off my nose love, I’ve got my qualifications. You want to mess up your future, you crack on.” It actually does the trick most of the time.

Attictroll · 07/06/2025 19:19

Agree if my 13 year old doesn’t do homework school gives him detentions - I encourage him to do it but if he doesn’t he gets the schools punishment… no bribery just life dues

jannier · 07/06/2025 19:21

Make sure the school give detentions but if also continue to take away the phone

mondaytosunday · 07/06/2025 19:24

I actually told the school regular detentions made no difference. I said tell him he can’t play next rugby match and that will get his attention! But truth be told he just wasn’t ever bothered at school (though he’s now extremely diligent at work).

TartanMammy · 07/06/2025 19:24

Firstly, she doesn't have to do DofE. That's a voluntary activity if she doesn't want to do it wouldn't make her.

Homework, the natural consequence is her teacher being annoyed with her, or detention or whatever sanction the school had and she needs to deal with that. As long as she knows the consequences of poor results.

It's very difficult to force a 13yr old to do anything. These are very minor issues on the scale of things and not something be getting too wound up about.

Toastandmarmite999 · 07/06/2025 19:26

jannier · 07/06/2025 19:21

Make sure the school give detentions but if also continue to take away the phone

I did that before and she went nucleur.
I honestly don't want that to happen again.

OP posts:
jannier · 07/06/2025 19:40

Toastandmarmite999 · 07/06/2025 19:26

I did that before and she went nucleur.
I honestly don't want that to happen again.

But she's learned going nuclear gets you to back off just like a toddler. Set out the requirements to earn the phone, going out etc stick to it.
What does nuclear mean? Hitting, breaking things?

Toastandmarmite999 · 07/06/2025 19:46

jannier · 07/06/2025 19:40

But she's learned going nuclear gets you to back off just like a toddler. Set out the requirements to earn the phone, going out etc stick to it.
What does nuclear mean? Hitting, breaking things?

Yes - both - hit me and threw the remote control at the wall.

OP posts:
BatFaceChops · 07/06/2025 19:51

Grounding her and taking away privileges and her phone etc etc … all you’re doing by piling on punishments is creating an environment where she literally has nothing to lose. It just won’t work and won’t make the rest of her teenage years any fun for any of you. My advice to you is to just STOP. Return her stuff and lift the grounding

Remind her homework needs doing. Explain the consequences of not doing the homework. And then just stop. Let her experience the natural consequences of not doing the homework (or whatever the thing is)

sounds like you have quite an explosive child so instead of punishing, try and avoid the conflict in the first place where you can

ShaunaSadeki · 07/06/2025 19:55

I leave low level school stuff to school but make sure I am sharing what goes on at home. For example DD was late the other day and put “traffic” as the excuse, I told her head of house that she walks to school.

If poor behaviour or lack of homework really escalated I would ground her or take her phone but I am happy for her to get the natural consequences of being told off or getting a detention for now.

The other day I explained that if she does well in her exams she can move away and have a laugh with her mates at university in 4 years. If she doesn’t she will have to stay here with me and my unreasonable rules and opinions and have a poorly paid job which she has to give me rent from her wages.

caringcarer · 07/06/2025 20:07

devildeepbluesea · 07/06/2025 19:10

Leave her to it. The only person affected is her. Time to learn a life lesson.

FWIW i frequently say to DD, “It’s no skin off my nose love, I’ve got my qualifications. You want to mess up your future, you crack on.” It actually does the trick most of the time.

Yep, remind her she will be the one in troubl at school, not you.

cranberryshortcake · 07/06/2025 20:16

I’d tell her about the long term consequences for a bit and then leave her to it. Tell her the honest truth. Not doing homework over the long term means you will do worse academically and likely have a harder life as an adult.

Then leave her to it. You can only take a horse to water.

jannier · 07/06/2025 20:27

Toastandmarmite999 · 07/06/2025 19:46

Yes - both - hit me and threw the remote control at the wall.

Then what happen? Do you have any back up? Have you discussed with school or GP?

Toastandmarmite999 · 07/06/2025 20:45

jannier · 07/06/2025 20:27

Then what happen? Do you have any back up? Have you discussed with school or GP?

It hasn't happened since - this was over a year ago

OP posts:
Donotpanicoknowpanic · 07/06/2025 20:45

When I do a punishment such as taking the phone away

I try to limit it to no more than 24 hours

I think after 24 hours the point is made

They have an incentive to be good for the 24 hours as I'm not just dragging it out

Though quite frankly my 14 year old is fine for most of the time but can also be stubborn

Maybe it's a teen thing 🤔

Though everyone always says teens are easy so I'm not sure it is 👀

jannier · 07/06/2025 23:23

Toastandmarmite999 · 07/06/2025 20:45

It hasn't happened since - this was over a year ago

But your too frightened of her to change things so the threat is working

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 08/06/2025 00:01

Toastandmarmite999 · 07/06/2025 19:07

Lone parent to a 13 year old DD here.
There are times when she has to do things she doesn't want to, like homwork, or completing her DofE tasks etc.

However, she is incredibly stubborn anyway and has just refused to do her homework despite now being grounded and having no extras like screentime etc for the next 2 weeks - doesn't seem to care.

What now? How do you handle these situations?

Does she actually want to do the DofE? My dd was given the opportunity via school to do it, but it was too onerous and she decided she didn't want to do it. I'd let your dd drop that. She's obviously not enjoying the challenge.

As for homework, well. It needs to be done and she knows that. What she is fighting against is not the homework itself, but you telling her to do it. So stop telling her. Maybe mention on a Friday evening that she might need to think about doing her homework at some point over the weekend, and leave it at that. She's the one who's going to get it in the neck from school if she doesn't do it, so casually allow her to discover the consequences for herself.

If she isn't bothered by being grounded or not having screentime etc, then you are wasting your time using it as a punishment, aren't you? You say she is stubborn. The way to cure that is for you to avoid giving her anything to be stubborn about. She is pushing at boundaries so move the goalposts and give her more autonomy, so she hasn't got boundaries to push against. Give only praise when she is being pleasant or co-operative, and ignore everything else as best you can.

Maybe sit down with her tomorrow, and say that you've decided you are no longer going to tell her to do her homework, and that she's growing up and is ready for more responsibility, so you are going to leave her to it. You could also perhaps ask her if she would like to stop doing the DofE. Her choice.

Tell her you think you've been being too stern with her, and grounding & other punishments are cancelled forthwith. Tell her that you don't want to fight any more. In return, you would like her to co-operate with the new regime and accept the new responsibility; and that includes doing the occasional household chore when asked. Say that you are sure that she too wants to live in a happy home.

Chuck her in at the deep end and see how it goes.

Toastandmarmite999 · 08/06/2025 18:38

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 08/06/2025 00:01

Does she actually want to do the DofE? My dd was given the opportunity via school to do it, but it was too onerous and she decided she didn't want to do it. I'd let your dd drop that. She's obviously not enjoying the challenge.

As for homework, well. It needs to be done and she knows that. What she is fighting against is not the homework itself, but you telling her to do it. So stop telling her. Maybe mention on a Friday evening that she might need to think about doing her homework at some point over the weekend, and leave it at that. She's the one who's going to get it in the neck from school if she doesn't do it, so casually allow her to discover the consequences for herself.

If she isn't bothered by being grounded or not having screentime etc, then you are wasting your time using it as a punishment, aren't you? You say she is stubborn. The way to cure that is for you to avoid giving her anything to be stubborn about. She is pushing at boundaries so move the goalposts and give her more autonomy, so she hasn't got boundaries to push against. Give only praise when she is being pleasant or co-operative, and ignore everything else as best you can.

Maybe sit down with her tomorrow, and say that you've decided you are no longer going to tell her to do her homework, and that she's growing up and is ready for more responsibility, so you are going to leave her to it. You could also perhaps ask her if she would like to stop doing the DofE. Her choice.

Tell her you think you've been being too stern with her, and grounding & other punishments are cancelled forthwith. Tell her that you don't want to fight any more. In return, you would like her to co-operate with the new regime and accept the new responsibility; and that includes doing the occasional household chore when asked. Say that you are sure that she too wants to live in a happy home.

Chuck her in at the deep end and see how it goes.

Thanks - this is pretty much what I did last night and today has been much better, she even folded the laundry for me which is a first.

OP posts:
BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 08/06/2025 21:24

Toastandmarmite999 · 08/06/2025 18:38

Thanks - this is pretty much what I did last night and today has been much better, she even folded the laundry for me which is a first.

That's great, I'm so pleased for you both and long may it continue. 🙂

There does come a point when you need to open the door. It's our job to feed the chicks and teach them what their wings are for - once they get to that stage you have to open the cage and hope for the best!

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