DD really missing old friends

[theunthinkable2]

DD is 14 and left primary school a few years ago for context.
At the end of primary/Y6 she lost contact with all of her friends, best friends etc, whether intentionally or not I am unsure. She was at the school since reception and grew up with the vast majority of these people.
Out of her main four 'friend group', she no longer talks to/has no way of contacting two and the other two moved to different countries. She has not been in contact with them since year 6.
Ever since the end of year 6, she has been vastly different, more withdrawn, never socialising etc. In primary she was happy with her school and friends and talked to them frequently as they were the very best of her friends, but it seems as if she has no friends now.
I am worried because of this. She has expressed deeply missing/grieving her old friends before to me and I am worried this hinders her ability of making new ones, especially after this much time. I am aware it's normal to feel this way, but it's been over two years now. For context, she's an only child.
We've put her in lots of hobbies - sporty, active ones, like horse riding, reading/writing, crocheting, laidback ones, such as jigsaw puzzles, social hobbies like drama/theatre/guide groups and so on. Unfortunately, things hardly seem to stick and she often drops hobbies quickly and goes back into a spiral/negative mindset again and can't make any friends in the hobbies.
I have also noticed that she seems to spend alot of time on the social medias of the few people she knows the Tiktoks/instagrams of - even if they weren't her friends. She spends a huge amount of time watching and rewatching their videos, sometimes will go so far as to screenshot their videos/status updates to look back on them - I am unsure why. She also spends massive amounts of time watching the few videos she has of her old friends in her photos app - she'll watch them like a movie!
At her new school, she has not made any friends. Never leaves the house. Never speaks to anyone.
Any advice or parents that have been in a similar situation? Any advice appreciated!

Why has she had no way of contacting 2 of her old friends that still live locally? Did you not have their parents numbers? Does she know where they live? Can you reach out to their parents to provide your DD's phone number for their kids to get in contact if they want to. Or arrange for them to hang out at home/park/shopping etc.

Why can she not stay in touch with the two who moved away over video/messages etc. Again can you reach out to their parents.

But aside from that moving forward with new friends is important. Has she stopped all the hobbies? Does she have any interests at all? Even online gaming can be sociable with discord etc (but obviously there are risks around online chat and friendships) . What happens at break/lunch at school - where does she go and with who? Have you spoken with school - the head of year/pastoral? Do they have suggestions? Or do they have concerns around her wellbeing/mental health/any possibility of neurodivergence? And if so, what do they have available to her?

It sounds like you're not able to connect with her about this issue - you're worried and noticing things, but you can't explain the whys. How much are you able to chat with her in about stuff and randomness in general? Is she shuting you down specifically about this? Is there another adult she might be able to talk things through with if not you. Are you concerned about her mental health?

I don't think her grieving her old friends in and of itself is stopping her making new friends. And in the context of her grieving that loss, her living in the past with tiktok videos etc makes sense. Maybe she feels like she doesn't know how to, or isn't "good enough" to make friends. Maybe in her head everyone else managed the transition to secondary and she didn't, so she wonders what's wrong with her. I'd worry less about the need to make new friends right now, and more about her self confidence, self esteem and wellbeing. It sounds like she's living in a very inwards looking / shut off way, and a person needs to have just a small glimmer of an outwards looking approach to connect with another person. She can't flick a switch to have that if she's feeling low about herself. She needs help to build herself up

Is she ND?

I think grieving old friends is a way of grieving what was comfortable, safe and well known. Its quite common for kids to get entirely new friends in secondary when their primary school class all go to different schools. In year 8 at 13/14 I made all new friends as my primary few just were so different to me as we developed into teens with different interests.

I see you say she doesn't go out etc, and struggled to make friends. Has she perhaps been letting her longing for her old life stop her embracing a new one? I remember being very sad at times at her age at school, about the time I was navigating making new friends while not spending as much time with primary ones. It's a tricky time of life that seems fleeting now as an adult but at the time was all consuming.

Is she interested in any specific subjects that could lead to a hobby to meet people? I found my pals in the arty bunch and hung out in the music room and art rooms at lunch, very fond memories there and a better alternative than the dog eat dog playground of high school.

Nostalgia can be a real weight around your neck if you don't use it to propel you, and it sounds like it's holding her back. Has she been open to talking with you about things in depth?

Op some of this is quite unusual behaviour

She sounds potentially neurodiverse (not just leaping onto that but this sounds like traits of autism

Have you considered autism ?

The social media is not helping her and particularly watching videos etc is keeping her trapped in fantasies and grief. Would she do a detox with your support ??

Is suspect she’s ND. The demands of social stuff at secondary often can create difficulties.

Theu fly through primary with lots of friends, and then it becomes much more difficult to navigate at secondary.

<bitter experience>

I would say after 25 years as a secondary school teacher, most children have gathered new friends by age 14, and don’t hang around with their primary school friends. People change a lot between 11 and 14. Try and encourage her to look forward not back.

The social media isn’t helping. Looking at what she doesn’t have on a screen rather than focus on what she doesn’t have in the real world. Perhaps time for a scale back.

Watching and rewatching stuff is a trait of ND. So is screen addiction

How are things at her school in general?

@Seamoss They didn’t have phones at the time, so no number. None of their parents’ numbers and no addresses as when they did meet it would never be at somebody’s house. I do not know their parents’ numbers and I doubt DD would want to meet up one-on-one without the whole group there, which is not possible to arrange.
She has serious perfectionism issues (unrelated) so her hobbies now are pretty much none. Interests, I’m not sure. I know she sits alone in the bathroom or library at lunch. She is ND and has support for it but she doesn’t engage at all in therapy etc. She does not speak to me about her issues or much at all in general.
@WhatNoRaisins I believe school is okay. Academically, she puts a lot of pressure on herself to succeed (again, unrelated) but otherwise I think she mostly keeps to herself from what I’ve been told.

Forgot to mention, she did meet up multiple times with her ‘true’ best friend that she’s known since reception that also went to her old school and whose parents I am still in good contact with but she says things are very different/awkward/melancholy now which makes it difficult.

Small bump as no advice since my updates 😅

I agree with the poster who says all you can do is encourage her to look forward not back. This sounds very much like 'stuck ' thinking common with autism.

I would really, really be discouraging the social media behaviour - screen shotting other people's videos and posts/ coming back to them again and again? this is so, so unhelpful for her mental health.

She is turning the past into a fantasy - we all get ourselves sometimes into situations like this - pining over an ex / friend/ life choice - but your daughter has really got herself stuck.

this is not really about her past friends at all - this is about her inability to move forward.

It's a shame she won't engage in therapy - could you afford for her to see someone with specific understanding of neurodiveristy?

I also would really really recommend you try and find other ND teens in your area, i've seen so much success with that in my own community (parent of autistic girl and I run a support group for autistic teens)

My DD (14) uses luna! She's had it for a while and it's literally been a game-changer for her and me. She struggled a lot with friendships and fitting in, but there's lots of articles and videos on confidence and finding your crowd which has helped loads. I can't recommend it enough.

I really miss my friends. I haven't seen them for so long. I really hope that i can talk to them...