At my wits end with teen DS. What do I do?

[Gazeboo]

I’m at my wits end with DS15. He is a good kid, he has ASD and struggles with anxiety but is bright and capable. He missed some school last year due to MH issues but these are under control and he’s now attending again.

His school are supposed to be catching him up on missed work with interventions, but they are useless. They promise this and that but it rarely is put in place. I therefore gave up on school and hired an online tutor at DS request. He then refused to attend the sessions with the online tutor.

I cancelled that and enrolled him in a virtual school for 2 lessons per week after school. DS does not get homework or have any hobbies so this was not excessive. It initially went ok but after the first week, DS started complaining saying he’s not learning anything (his test results say different) . He is due to have a lesson tonight and all hell has broken loose. This happens most nights he has a lesson.

He doesn’t want to do it. After many arguments, I sat him down last week and had a chat with him about how he needs to catch up if he wants to get the grades to get on to his desired course in Yr12.

He assured me that whilst he doesn’t enjoy it, he agrees it needs to be done and he’ll do it.

So I paid for the next term of virtual school. This is money I can ill afford.

Last night, he refused to attend the session and told me he wants to quit. I am furious. It was a huge row.

I have offered the following solutions and he’s refused them all. I think he’s looking for a perfect solution that doesn’t exist and he’s struggling with anxiety. I can’t keep doing this with him though, is it time accept that there’s nothing more I can do?

*Offered home, school and online tuition. All refused.

*Had repeated meetings with school to get them to action interventions they promised. It falls on deaf ears or is so inconsistent, it’s not beneficial for DS at all. He also hates attending the sporadic sessions and will often “forget”. School staff are supposed to remind him, but this doesn’t happen.

*Offered a change of school where SEN is better understood. Although, I’m not sure this is a good idea so late in his school career. He understandably doesn’t want to.

*Offered to home school or request flexi schooling. Refused.

*Explained to him about the options of taking a less academic course in Y12 whilst he re sits GCSEs . He doesn’t want this.

He wants to achieve GCSEs but he’s so far behind in knowledge, he’ll be lucky to scrape a 3 in most subjects. He needs a 5 for his desired course. I feel like I’ve done everything I possibly can for him, but I can’t force him to engage in his work. I just know he will blame me if things don’t turn out the way he hopes.

Has anyone any advice? Have I done all I can?

My 2 kids with ASD would not tolerate any addition to the school day. Their batteries were drained by it. Pushing an anxious ASD kid gets you the sum total of nothing, unfortunately. DC1 is now at Uni, despite never doing homework. (DC2 is still in burnout without a suitable school but will never countenance a traditional loud, busy High School) You're doing well to have him in school, mixing with peers and maturing. Autistic kids lag 2-3 year behind their peers in emotional development.

Oh, this sounds hard. DS has ADHD rather than ASD so I appreciate that my experience is not the same, but is it to do with the perceived "effort", especially at the end of the day when he's already tired and overstimulated from school? Would it be possible to do the online tutor before school, before that exhaustion kicks in (doesn't work for us but I do know other families that do similar) or on a weekend?

A friend has an in-person tutor and they go to a coffee shop. It sounds awful to me but it works for her DD who, I think, is motivatd by the fact she gets a frappocino or whatever with her studying!

Perhaps it's also worth just taking a break on this for a few weeks - let him do a few tests/assessments at school and see that he's not progressing and then, when emotions are less high, try to open the discussion again? Could he do a summer school type thing rather than tutoring, to catch him up over July/August?

School will not prioritise interventions for a kid who does not want to go and fails to turn up.

he wants to study. But it’s too much for him. My DD was the same.

he may well not reach the grades he wants. You have to decide how much emotional pain you and he are prepared to put up with to get them. It’s not the money it’s the forcing him to do some bloody work.

i feel your pain.
we had a policy after a while of not spending money on things to support her because she’d want to do it and then just be completely unable.

no advice but sympathy.

You've done enough. I can see how difficult extra commitments after school are for ND kids. It's way too much for him.

He's going to have to accept not getting onto the course. It's something you will have to accept, which is so hard. He might wing it but I'd plan now for a plan B and a plan C.

Why doesn’t he want flexi schooling? That’s what worked for my DS. We’re in Scotland but assuming it’s the same where you are he had to attend school for so many less hours that he wasn’t so exhausted and overwhelmed with it all.

That meant that he felt able to have a tutor one day a week when he wasn’t in school.

Thanks everyone. I agree it’s too much for him and I’ve said many times to him to let’s just forget it, but he insists he wants to learn and he needs to learn. And in circles we go.

He then expects me to fix everything for him and when it doesn’t work out, around in circles we go.

It’s exhausting. I think we do need to take a break because we have both has enough. Yet I know he will ask me tomorrow how can he learn!

@Blueraccoon he doesn’t know why, he just doesn’t want to do it (he really struggles to articulate reasoning, so he doesn’t know a lot of things).

Sounds very similar to my DS. He doesn’t know much either 😂

He simply wanted to fit in and not be doing something different from his friends. But finally accepted he couldn’t cope with full time school. The down side of flexi schooling is of course that they do less subjects than their peers. I don’t know what course your DS wants to do and if that would work for him. My DS is 17 now and going to college after summer.

School was a total nightmare tbh. I think college will be different because he’s chosen to be there, and doing a subject he’s interested in.

Do you think the school would be supportive of flexi schooling for your DS if you could persuade him to give it a try?