14 Yr old ADHD, poor time management skills, what to do for the best? At my wits end

[Isthisitnow55]

My son is 14 , has adhd. Used to be very hyper and high energy as a child, has calmed a lot now.
Main struggles now are impulsively, can't manage money, messy, poor time keeping, poor organisational skills etc

We have huge problems with him getting ready for school on time in the mornings. We recently changed his school to a different type of school that focuses on engineering and has NO HOMEWORK. We thought this would suit him so well as it was more practical and he hated homework and struggled to do it etc
On the whole it has been ok , he's done a year there so far, but it's 15 miles from our house and he has to get the school bus.
Has to be at bus stop at 7.50. I drop him off at the bus stop on my way to work. He messes around so much in the morning, we have to get him up very early so he has enough time. He is so slow getting ready, gets very angry and is late every day leaving the house. I'm sitting on the car waiting for him at 7.55/8 and he's still in the house changing his socks or this morning washing his hair. The bus comes at 7.50. There is then a mad rush to get him to the stop and get him on the bus before it pulls away. He goes off to school stressed and I feel like I've done a full day's work before I even get to work.
Everyday we are arguing .
His dad and I have opposite opinions on what to do for him. I've tried to help him as much as I can and make allowances for his issues. Husband is now blaming me that I've caused him to be this way and we need to stop helping him now.

The bus stop is only a 10 minute walk. Husband wants me to stop taking him and make him walk every morning. Wants me to stop running round after him.

I am absolutely dreading these next few years. He doesn't pay attention at school, there is no way he will revise for GCSE'S.

Afterwards there are no colleges where we live and no direct bus routes. How will get get there? How will he keep a job when he's always late? I know sometimes you need to step back and let them make their own mistakes but I'm really struggling and finding the balance. Can anyone advise?

As a mum with an 11yo ADHD DS, I feel your pain. Our son is going to secondary in Sept, but a 10 min walk so the consequences are much less if he is late ie not missing a bus! It’s so difficult, if our son had got the school further away, we were planning to take him in the car each morning (and for him to get the bus home). He currently just doesn’t have the executive function to independently manage his mornings successfully and consistently without our help.

Also, I think your DH has expectations of a neurotypical rather than neurodiverse child and isn’t helping. Much commentary about exec functioning being around 3 years behind peers, so he’s really an 11 year old, which is another way to look at it.

Is he on ADHD medication? Has made a massive difference for our son.

My AuDHD DC is younger, but we live in a 3-tier school area and from middle school they are treated like they're at Secondary. She also has to catch a bus to get there, although hers is 7.30am, all their homework is accessed and completed through her own account on Google Classrooms, and they are expected to bring in the right kit/equipment on the right day to match their Secondary-style timetable (stationary, PE kit, food tech stuff etc).

I try to let her find her own systems, but things that are working for us:
Routine - getting ready for school in the same order every day (toilet, dressed, teeth, face, hair, pack bag, eat, shoes) helps as the next step becomes automatic.
Either leaving loads of time or keep time short - it is the middle way that spells doom! She either needs loads of time to allow for faffing and distraction, or crazily-short time constraints that force a laser focus.
Alarms and more alarms - we have them set for every step of the above routine to keep her focused and on track. She also knows that once that 'leave the house' alarm goes off, anything undone will have to stay that way as it is a hard deadline and missing the bus isn't an option. Sometimes this has meant no breakfast or forgotten kit, but it happens less frequently now. We use timers for tidying up too; 10 min timer to put clothes away, then a 5 min timer to sort out her bookcase, another 10 mins to tidy her desk etc etc.
Help to break down tasks - related to the tidying timers really. She struggles to know where to start with tidying her room so I used to give her an area/category. Now I ask her to give me the category, and set her an appropriate time to do it in. She also struggles to 'see' her own mess, so I often get DCs to inspect each other's rooms for tidiness when they claim they've done and point out what still needs doing.
Verbal reminders that I can shout through from another room whilst I get on with my own stuff - I try to phrase these in a way to get her to think eg "do you have food tech today?" rather than "don't forget to pack your food tech tupperware!" or "were you set any homework today?" instead of "you need to do your homework".
Written lists - what is needed on each day, packing list for sports competitions etc. I write these currently, but I'm getting her to start helping me put them together now.

Ultimately though, I remind her, help her if she asks (if it is a reasonable and timely request), and suggest and implement systems to help, but I also let her fail in the small stuff if she hasn't followed the processes TBH. It seems harsh, but she needs to find her own ways of making things happen on time as I won't be around for ever. Natural consequences with short-term implications work well to allow her to develop her own systems of keeping the show on the road.

Your DH is not right. You didn’t cause this.

(I have a now adult child with adhd they are exactly the same).

I found having a routine for the mornings helpful.
we also use alexa alarms and visual timers.

you can buy breakfast bars that he can have for breakfast (I booked mine into breakfast club even at secondary so I made sure they are)

then they just need to get dressed/teeth.

For the future:

most schools do a lot of revision for GCSEs in school because many many students do not revise at home.
my daughter also did not revise and did well.

if it looks like he will fail English or maths get a tutor.
they are expensive but totally worth it.

my DD’s timekeeping has improved over the years.
she successfully did an access course and has just completed a degree.

I found that setting an Alexa alarm for each step helped. So alarm at 6.45 saying Go to the toilet. Then at 6.50 wash your face and brush your teeth. 7.05, get dressed. 7.15 check your bag is packed with pe kit/books etc. 7.20, get breakfast. It’s all automated and you don’t need to do anything. I also found that a complete ban on devices/phones/tablets/tv minimised distractions and helped to ease things along at a speedier pace. Once my kids had their coats and back packs and were 100% ready to go, THEN they got their device’s for 5-10 Minutes

Is he on medication? It made a huge difference to my dd

Medication.

Ds 18 only got diagnosed with ADHD 6 weeks ago having struggled with revising for GCSE and now A levels.

The difference it made to his focus has been literally astounding. Half of his friends are already on medication, even top students. The best thing is his self esteem. He has gone from thinking he is stupid to looking forward to taking his exams.

What are the consequences if he misses the bus? Do you drive him all the way? Does he care about being late? Does he want to go to this school?

You have my utmost sympathy. DD (12) is AuDHD and mornings have been a source of stress since she was in yr4. Alarms, chivvying, nagging just made the atmosphere explosive. So many arguments. So many mornings of her storming off to primary school without me (luckily we only live a safe, 3 min walk!).

Secondary... She could walk but it would take 35 mins. No bus. The original plan was for her to walk, but after weeks of stress we caved and now we drive her and it's her choice to leave at the last possible moment so that she squeaks into school on time. There's a lot less shouting now and I do have to practice zen-like calm in the face of her frequent morning argumentative onslaughts. So I hear you on the feeling that you've done a full day's (emotional) work before 9am. I often spend the first hour of my working day mindlessly scrolling the internet to calm down.

For the most part, she has her own morning routine now and I don't interfere in it. The less I nag or remind her of the time, the better. And actually, once we stopped nagging we realised that actually she was getting everything done that she needed to do and she wasn't late for school. So, in your case, what would happen if you reduced the 'demands' and nagging/ reminders? In general going much 'lower demand' with DD has improved all our lives immeasurably!

Your DH is an idiot. He has a neurodiverse child and if he has no understanding of this he needs to do a bit of research on how best to help him.
If he's not on medication you need to consider this. Dds consultant described it as a short sighted person not wearing glasses. It makes a huge difference and it sounds like he's struggling. The medication doesn't have to be for life. Consultant said most by adulthood that have had input as children have learned how to manage the adhd and take meds only when needed eg when project due or studying. They will make a huge difference during GCSEs and they make a difference to the executive function problems you describe.
ADHD is very strongly genetic. I've read that those parents that leave their kids to struggle and think they should just get on with it are the parent that the ADHD has come from as they have remained undiagnosed and struggled themselves. I don't know whether this is the case with your DH, or he's just very ignorant about the condition. But leaving your DS to struggle on alone at 14 would be pretty catastrophic I imagine

You could try using a smart watch with reminders. I know this won't eliminate all the problems but it is very useful and may also help with learning what can be done in the amount of time available.

DS was still like this at 14 - he now 18 and gets to bus stop 95% of time on time and very early - and there a later bus that he can get that still gets there in on time.

GCSE did need a whole lot of support at home - but school was also pretty poor - in special measure however he did specularly well with help. Needed less help with next course. A good school will do a lot of revision in school time and may even cover how to revise.

We spent most of primary having an actual check list for all of them - first few year of secondary his older sister did a timetable check and would suggest every morning he did as well - 2 week timetable seem to come better from her.

But by secondary that list was internalised and it was time checks - it's x time or so much left - and I did that siblings did that and our Alexa did set ones as well. It's been a really long slow process but he's there now.

I'd suggest a calm talk about how to improve mornings - a list of what he needs to get done - plan to get to bus stop 10 minutes earlier than needed contingency time- and work a time plan back (good pratcise to get them to do that anyway for planning) and have time check points and some remindered - just that of what the time is - so he can read just his plan or get a move on.

I haven't done time checks unless notice he very late for bus - since he started college - he does that all himself - he has phone app for bus and plans everything himself.

If he's not on medication I would like PP suggest ask about getting him on it.

The people with kids on meds. Both my kids have adhd one possible audhd. Concerta helps youngest but she won't eat so she has instants on the weekend. My eldest my god her come downs are terrible and she's better on them but still quite dreamy on 54mg

Can I ask what medication your children are taking? We have a cahms appointment in a few weeks and I want to go armed with a long list of questions and requests as noone had helped us with anything so far.

He finds it very hard to go to sleep at night and can be awake until 1am. We have to get him up at 6am and he is almost impossible to wake.
He doesn't physically get out of bed until
6.45 as he keeps falling back asleep and we have to keep going back into him every 5 mins
Once he is up he is very slow to do anything and doesn't seem to understand the passage of time. This ends up with us nagging and then shouting which is just horrible.
We have tried to talk to him about it calmly many times and he will agree to things but then when the morning comes it goes to pot again .
Husband is worried that now son is getting older he needs to become more independent.

He is independent in some respects, he goes out with friends, goes to the shop etc, but relies on them to organise everything etc and then he just tags along always giving us the wrong info etc

I'd be asking about melatonin to help with the sleep. Then adhd medication for the rest.

ADHD medication has been transformative for my son. He’s on methylphenidate in the morning and melatonin at night.

I'd ask about melatonin.

These have some tips:

https://www.sleepfoundation.org/mental-health/adhd-and-sleep

Weighted blanket may help - bath/shower before bed so get cold - lavender/various sleep teas out there - listening to same thing while trying to drop off - and the more obvious stuff in the link - sleep environment etc.

He may just take longer than an NT child to get to the same organisational point - and in meantime you need to help him with statergies.

Methylphenidate seems popular with my ds' friends under 18.

Sleep issue is classic adhd.

try melatonin.

@Isthisitnow55 has he been diagnosed with ADHD? They should have discussed medication with you at the hospital when he was diagnosed. First line medication is always Methylphenidate as it works in the majority of cases. If not, there are alternatives and can take a while to get dosage right. If you decided not to go down medication route on first diagnosis then you need to ask to be re- referred to the ADHD team and ensure your GP says for medication only or you will go to back of the queue. I don't think CAHMS can prescribe ADHD meds. He'll need to be under Cons care. Be aware though that there is a national shortage and they have paused all new starters for meds in my area. I would get a referral in from your GP ASAP so you are in the system.

Re sleep is he looking at screens late at night? My dd was also getting to sleep really late but she would look at her phone when she couldn't sleep. We have had to be really strict with sleep hygiene. No screens an hour before bed. In bed, lights off and sleepcast on. Took a while but massive improvement. We asked about melatonin but Dr wouldn't prescribe until good sleep routine in place to see if this helped first which of course it did.

Good advice from @xici

On the sleep front, we've found exercise is essential. A lot of exercise. DC trains in her sport 5 times a week, competes once or twice a month and does a weekly related strength & conditioning session, plus does a second sport once a week. Every time she's moved up a squad, her sleep has improved a bit with the extra session and intensity. We're finally at the point of her dropping off within 15 mins of going to bed and STTN. We were already practicing good sleep hygiene, but it made little difference.