Please advise, unhappy teen

[TeenageDilemma]

Hello
I'm posting here for some advice. I have an almost 14 year old who is currently struggling with the separation of me and their Dad, although this was 12 years ago. Since we split up, child has spent 4 nights with me, and three with Dad. They go to school near Dad's although it's a short distance/bus ride away from where I live. They have recently come to me and said that they feel like they have no home, and that having two homes is like having none. I have talked this through with them, looking at alternatives, just living with me and visiting Dad when they wanted to etc. I have also looked into selling up and buying somewhere closer to school which child has said they don't want to do either. I'm in this horrible conundrum of knowing that my child is unhappy, and being unable to find a solution. Child has always had a happy time between two houses, get on OK with their Dad, had had lots of activities, days out, things to do, is talked to/listened to and provided for on every level as far as I can think of. Yet still unhappy and jealous of friends who's parents are together. I can't work out what to do but I really want them to feel better. I know material possessions mean nothing if you don't feel stable and secure but what is the best thing to do here? I've researched/spoken to a few counsellors thinking that this may help my child but they refuse to go saying they're not talking to a stranger. Just to add child is excelling at school and doing brilliantly there, and has a few nice friends who they see fairly regularly outside of school. I feel like a terrible mother for not being able to find an obvious solution to end my child's sadness.

You’re absolutely not a terrible mum, you sound like a really thoughtful, loving parent doing everything you can to support your child. It’s so hard when they’re struggling and there’s no clear “fix,” especially when you’ve already created such a stable, supportive setup.

At 14, they’re at that stage where deeper emotional stuff starts surfacing, and even old things (like the separation) can hit differently. Wanting “one home” might be more about needing a sense of belonging and identity than the logistics themselves. Just the fact they’re opening up to you is a good sign, keep that door open without pushing for solutions right away.
One good tool that might help is the Luna app (weareluna.app), it’s designed for girls around this age and covers things like family dynamics, identity, emotions, all in a non-preachy way. Could be a good way to support them without any pressure, my daughter really finds it useful.
You’re doing more than enough I think.

I’m sorry you’re facing this. As parents we often want to solve our children’s issues so they are happy. But you’ll find as they get older they need some autonomy- you have offered support by way of a counsellor but they won’t engage at the moment. If they’re not ready to access support you can’t do much about that. You have even offered to move and they don’t want that.

I’m guessing that the teen years, as they explore growing up and becoming their own person, will throw up feelings of who they are and where they belong as they become more aware of others around them and their different lives and experiences. I would just keep reassuring them how much they are loved for who they are.

Being sad is a feeling that we all have from time to time, and that’s ok, because we just work our way through it. It helps us grow and learn. If at any point it goes further into depression or anger, then a visit to the GP would be a first step.

I don't mean to belittle your DS's feelings but my nephew came to his parents very upset at a similar age and said he was the only one whose parents were still together and he felt very left out, only having one home and one set of birthday and Christmas presents. :)

What I'm saying is: they feel out of sorts at that age anyway, and they are still at that stage of comparing their one life with the lives of everyone else, cherrypicking bits from each friend's circumstances, until they feel inadequate. When DS did this, I made him choose one person from his friendship group and asked if he'd rather be that person - pointing out difficulties they had which he didn't have. X's parents are together but his dad works such long hours they never see each other. Y has a lovely home and wealthy lifestyle but type 1 diabetes. Did he want to swap with either of them? It helped him to put into perspective that his one life was not less than any other person's one life, but comparing himself with all friends en masse, of course he'll feel unlucky.

Ask him what would help him feel more like he really has a base. Can you and your DH ensure he was two of everything so nothing is ever at one house when it should be at the other? Can you plan a more grown up bedroom revamp with him on Pinterest and agree to redecorate it over the holidays. Can you encourage him to invite friends over for a pizza and film or gaming night at least once a month, so he feels like he has somewhere to host them?

And as PP have said, you are clearly not a bad mum but a very loving and caring one, prepared to move house to help him feel more secure. That could still be an option, so he is nearer school, for socialising. It might be worth considering if it makes no difference to you. but would be easier for him to move between the two homes.

I think that your child is probably just trying to find a reason for them to be unhappy in the nicest possible way. I think you should ask your child what would help them to feel happier within limits. Does he want to change the schedule? If not then I would be adopting the no one has a perfect life line.

I would tell him Thank-you for being so honest and tell him that you love that he has been able to express his feelings and that there is nothing wrong with you all taking the time to talk about his situation and make changes depending on what can logistically be done. I have met quite a few young adults who discuss their experiences of life as a child with parents who had equal access to their children-They consistently reported feeling like they were living out of a suitcase with no stable base, and some were sad to realise how much happier their life was as an adult when finally they weren’t caught between the two different worlds of their parents. The 50-50 access suits parents but not the child. This doesn’t mean that you have done anything wrong, it is the consequences of the current system that we find ourselves in. I just think it can only improve if we allow our children to be heard and give them credit for what they have told us honestly how they feel and be flexible about what needs to change.

I often wonder about the three children next door who must feel like your DC, OP. They spend one night with their mum, then another with their Dad, then back to mum etc. No wonder they probably feel displaced.

In other words you are not a terrible mum it is common for some children to feel like he currently does, and in time he will realise that you both love him dearly,especially if you keep doing exactly what you do which is listening with your heart and not just giving him airtime and then discounting his feelings about his own young life.

Sorry, that wasn't a dig at you OP🤦‍♀️

What I mean is lots of children have to just adapt to their situation. It's life as they know it. No one has a perfect life.

One of my friends made it clear to their dc that they lived at "home" and visited dad whenever they wished - it's a very informal arrangement that relies on both parents understanding and agreeing to it and being comfortable with their child staying at either house when they want to.

It helped their dc get their head round what was home, where they kept their stuff,what was their sanctuary, and going to other parent was a visit, a stay over.

can you adjust the arrangement so they have a week at one and then week at the other parent so they are more settled. your arrangement is all they ever knew so they thought it was what everyone did but are now seeing other sorts of families. talk through that while it may look like happy families with mum and dad together, it's not always the reality behind closed doors. maybe they just wanted a moan and they don't need you to fix it but just acknowledge their feelings

14 is that age when they start to reject you. When my daughter first went through it, if she could have physically thrown up around me if she could have. Nothing was right, our split house, the school she was at, fiends, holidays.... everything. Its like she was trying on a different skin every week and I was so confused and saddened by it all thinking I had tried so hard to give her the best life and yet everything I did she wasnt happy with. She is now 16 and finally out of it and although not perfect yet, I have great conversations and I know she loves me again and actually wants to do holidays with us again! 😁
My son is now 14, and starting to go through that phase and because of having already gone through it, Im not as upset by it this time round. Still breaks my heart a bit, but I know in a couple years time he will be 'back'.

All I can say, is at 14 they experience huge emotional and physical changes in their bodies and its going to be a rollercoaster of emotions for you while you try to figure out what is 'that stage' and what you really do need to try fix. I wouldnt make too may life changes though unless you are sure its not one of these stages because in a couple years time your child will probably change their mind back again.....Its a tough phase and moms seem to bear the brunt of it. My theory is Moms have the biggest bond with their child and these teen years are for breaking this bond to establish their independence going into adulthood. So its heartbreaking to us because sometimes what they want really hurts. Having been though it once and now going through it again, all I can suggest is be strong, there is light at the end of this tunnel and you get your lovely happy teen back at the end of it, until then though, expect a myriad of strange demands and rejections.

Your child is old enough to be part of the solution. Sounds like you might have had some of these discussions but maybe having less of a 50/50 split would work better- through the week with you and weekends with Dad or the other way round? Just talking about being unhappy but not accepting suggestions starts to become a bit like self-indulgence in my opinion. You’ve been more than helpful in making suggestions you’re preparing to accommodate them as much as possible. Be wary of pandering too much. They are allowed to have feelings. It’s your job to listen and empathise, but not to necessarily make it all better.
Teenagers can be incredibly self centered. It’s almost a given at their age that they will push against their parents and every decision they ever made will be wrong. Continue doing what you are doing, being kind and empathetic and flexible. That’s really all that’s required of you.

You have offered multiple solutions, you have listened, you have heard and not minimised anything, you have provided space where they can speak to you and share their feelings. It's more than so many have and an absolute gift.

You can't do a single thing more and if child won't explore any options presented you've done everything that is for you to do.

It isn't ideal I know but I think it is worth helping DD look at all the good and positive things and feel the appreciation for those things. Teenage years are tough.

How's your relationship with your ex? When my parents got along well enough for us all to be in the same place / to coparent for a day and make some nice memories it was great. I didn't have delusions about them getting back together. Was just nice to experience being a family / having the 2 people who loved me around me at the same time for once

You're not a terrible mum, your child clearly has a lot of friends who's parents are together the only way to solve the problem would be to get back together which I'm assuming after 12 years won't happen.
But I've had the opposite with my child who's the same age as yours. He wants 2 homes like most of his friends have and has actually asked me and his dad to separate so he gets 2 of everything!

For your teen to come to you and open up about their feelings shows that you are a great mum. They could have kept this feeling bottled up and shown it in other more disruptive ways so that's testament to you doing a great job.

Has your child given you some thoughts on why they're not keen on the options you've suggested so far? It sounds like you've really thought through them! I know someone else mentioned the Luna App but it could be a safe space for them to read about others teens who may be experiencing similar who received advice from experts/doctors. It removes the element of THEM directly speaking to a counsellor (who your child deems a stranger) but they might anecdotally feel some form of relief seeing that other teens are feeling similarly and how it was solved for them. Plus the only people responding to these teens are doctors so it's not crowdsourced advice like TikTok or from peers so much safer.

Good luck mumma, you're doing the best you can 💪

That is absolutely the worst advice ever! The kids need to know that both places are home.
I was always "visiting" my dad it's utter shite feeling that you don't belong somewhere! As an adult I've never got over it, and totally resent my mum for putting that in my head, my sister feels the same. The only person it ever helped was mum who could then tell everyone how wonderful she was and that we lived with her!

Our kids did 50:50 between two homes - from mid teens onwards they spent a week in each home before swapping, then two weeks, then eventually some longer blocks of a month to six weeks.

The longer blocks started because of exams and then lockdowns, but did work really well at that age and everyone felt more settled. It minimised the transitions. We lived very close to the other parent's house, close enough to walk to and fro and pop over for an evening whenever they wanted so this helped - may not be practical in your case.