Teenage DD17 changes.

[Flyhigher]

Teen DD 17 is now moving from rude and rebellious and distant to ordering me about and dominating. At short notice. I think it’s family traits. My sister does the same.

has anyone had the same? I feel mentally wrecked by it. I can see the domination happening right in front of my eyes.

She’s so cold. I guess it’s growing up. I regret putting so much into her now. It’s just not worth it. Now I’m dependent on her approval.

any psychologists out there or lovely mums.

finding the changes so hard to deal with.

feel utterly lost. Weak. Useless. Beaten down.

i know she’s finding it hard. But bloody hell so do mums.

any thoughts?

She’s a bit nicer. A lot less dificult. I’m scared I’m not me anymore now and I can’t be the mum I need to be now.

Any thoughts?

That is so sad and really hard on you. Is there any chance of her going away to university soon?

That must be really tough on you. What's her relationship like with your sister? Is she someone she admires or does she realise how bad she is?

thanks. She doesn’t see my sister much. I think they are both quite anxious people.

they both beat me up emotionally.

This sounds absolutely pathetic.

Someone once said to me that teens are horrible to us as a part of the natural separation process, also to help us parents to find it easier to let go. When it gets too much I refuse to do anything more for my DS. He has a roof over his head and food in the cupboard. Unless I get some respect he can make his own meals, wash his own clothes, and get himself from A to B etc…It usually doesn’t go down well, but after a couple of days he starts to learn, and makes more effort. Our mantra in our house is to treat people how you want to be treated. If you are awful to me, I will be awful to you. If you are kind to me, I will be kind to you. All we can do is keep trying and hope that some of it is going in.

I really feel for you, this sounds exhausting and painful. You’re absolutely not weak or useless or pathetic. Parenting a teen, especially one who’s pulling away in such a way, can feel like heartbreak in slow motion.
With my DD (14) even now I can see the early signs of that coldness sometimes, it cuts really deep, especially when you’ve poured everything into them.
You’re allowed to have boundaries too. It’s okay to say, “I won’t be spoken to like that” and to protect your own energy. You matter, not just as a mum but as a person. Also, a random suggestion but the Luna app (weareluna.app) might be something for her. It’s a wellbeing app made for teen girls and covers all the messy emotional stuff, but in a way they’ll actually engage with. And it's created by experts so I trust it.
Please be kind to yourself.

this sounds very tough. You could respond with something like
“I appreciate your opinion but I’m in charge here and I pay the bills”
Don’t let yourself be ordered about in your own home. It’s very important she learns this now from you and doesn’t continue into adulthood thinking this is ok.

Get counselling to help you stand up for yourself. That will help her remember her manners. We can get complacent around loved ones and forget to be nice as we take them for granted.

She’s so vile. It’s horrific. It’s beyond anything. Her tongue is so vicious.

I am absolutely ordered about in my own home.

I’m not in a good place at all.

I know people are being sympathetic and you do sound in a bad place. But what on earth are you talking about?

I have two teens so it's not like I don't have some experience - and I know they are all different. But how has your relationship got into such a bad place - what are you doing about it?