Daughter wants more time with dad

[Citymumupnorth]

I’ve been divorced for a number of years and there is a child arrangement order in place for DD. She spends EOW with dad and half of school holidays.
She is now 15 and exh is asking for more time with her and she says she wants this too.
There has always been a lot of pressure on her to spend more time with dad and exh has always blamed me for not “allowing” her to, which is not the case. He has always wanted to see her but often only when it fit with his plans.
I feel devastated as I’ve devoted my life to her. I’m scared she will want to live with dad full time.
Feeling heartbroken but guessing nothing I can do as she is old enough to choose.

Don’t stand in her way. Either she will enjoy this time with her dad and be grateful that you helped her make it happen. Or she will see him for what he is, a fair weather father who only sees her when it suits him.

Thank you. I guess I don’t want her to get hurt or feel controlled by him (as I have felt for years).

I understand how you might be feeling OP. A similar thing happened to me a few months ago.

ExH left for the OW, and for more than a decade he had the three DDs EOW and half the holidays. Then last year he moved much closer. My eldest DD (adult) moved in with him and the OW, the middle one is now based at his (her BF lives just around the corner from ExH) and the youngest (who was only a few weeks old when ExH left) spends 40% of her time at his.

It's been hell.

My ExH is controlling too. After sending me details of when the children would be with me, he tried to set up an arrangement where each weekend he would tell me what days they would be with me based on what his work/social plans were for that week. I've tried to push back (as it's impossible to make plans when the arrangement keeps changing) and he's labelled me as awkward.

My youngest DD who had 100% school attendance last year, has now been told that no further absences will be authorised because her attendance % has fallen below satisfactory. Middle DD's grades have fallen from 8-9 average to 6-7 and it will be nothing short of a miracle if eldest DD gets E grades in her A-Levels.

I too feel heartbroken.

I feel devastated as I’ve devoted my life to her. I’m scared she will want to live with dad full time.

PLEASE don't make it about yourself. You'll seem bitter and jealous and only distance her more

I agree with @JazbayGrapes.

And if she does end up spending more time with him - you need to keep your head held high, keep calm and keep up with the communication when she's with her dad - even if she doesn't respond to texts or pick up calls etc. You keep it light and cheery.

I don't bombard my kids but send cheery texts, offers to go for lunch, coffee, shopping trips etc (Have to admit it's costing me a fortune). I've tried to take a different view, I've spent years being the responsible one, now I can get to be the more 'fun' parent.

I'm not surprised that my kids want to spend more time with their dad - he's hardly been there for them for the last decade or so. So for him to finally show an interest must be lovely for them.

However, you mentioned that he is controlling. He may still be trying to control you through her. Do not give him the satisfaction of letting him know how devastated you are and don't let her know you feel hurt, if she wants/needs to come back, she needs to know the door is always open. And she may not do that if she thinks that she's hurt you.

Has his maintenance payment gone up recently? My ExH only moved closer after he got an amazing new job and his CMS payment went up by nearly 50%. Then suddenly he was no longer asking me for a spreadsheet of how his CMS payment was spent, he was actually back in the parenting room.

He sometimes tells me my kids must hate me because they no longer live with me, but I know that they love me and that he's just being a hateful tw@t.

Is she about to start her GCSE year? If so and you think his motivations are suspect, I'd be inclined to see if that's a viable excuse to keep things as they are with a view to her then assessing what she wants to do for sixth form, which school to go to and where to live?