Risky behaviour and seeking male attention

[bagsley]

Hi I have a 14 yo daughter who has been seeking out male attention for about 18 months now. She is physically mature for her age and is now using her body to flaunt her sexuality and flirt with boys and men. She bounces from boy to boy. She has had physical relationships but unsure how far this has gone. She lies to us all the time and there are issues with school. We are now involved with Social work due to the risky behaviour and I feel like I am losing her.. I am heart sore 😪 💔 as I have no idea what to do anymore to keep her safe.... 💔

She sounds very vulnerable to child sexual exploitation.

What is her relationship with her dad like? What does she think about sex and relationships? Or does she see sex as powerful and feel weak in some way? You need to connect and communicate with her. Try to find out what she thinks and why she is being like this. Be honest and say you are concerned but don’t be judgemental. Ask her open questions and see what she says. She sounds like she is looking for external validation… why does she not believe she is good enough for just being herself?

For me there was a huge amount of self worth needed as I had a complex from growing up an ugly duckling in the shadows of golden girl sisters… so when I hit my teens and the puppy fat fell away and boobs developed. I felt a power I’d never had and wanted people to fancy me- then wanted a boyfriend to “prove” I was desirable… as I still felt like the ugly girl who was always overlooked. No daddy issues but often for girls there will be.

She is chasing the validation she gets from men and boys. Can you sign her up for an activity where she can fulfil herself- cadets, drama / singing classes? Plus, counselling will definitely help. I’d also step up control over her whereabouts and gadgets to prevent her from being groomed.

As a teenager I had sex plenty of people and honestly I stopped counting at 100 but if I had to guesstimate it would be be 1200+ .All between 14 and 21. At the time I fully thought I knew what I was doing but hindsight says other wise. I’m 46 now and been in lifelong therapy. In reality I had daddy issues, my dad was completely emotionally absent and I barely knew him despite living in the same house. I also have adhd that was completely unmoved back then. I sailed through primary but at age 13 I went from good girl hitting her grades to being a total nightmare. Drinking, drugs, shagging around. Tattoos. Risk taking behaviour. My impulse control was none existent and it felt like my brain was on fire. I had nothing going for me and my parents had signed out long before. My hormones completely controlled me and I hated it. But I thought I loved it. I didn’t have a hobby at all, and I think that would have really helped, I was desperate for validation and got it by stealing boys from other girls and then dumping them the second they chose me. I was a total nightmare. But now? I’m a great person. I do charity work, I am loyal, kind, considerate. My teenage years don’t define me me now. I wish I’d been different, but that’s not going to gain.

I think you have to show her as much love and support as possible.
What are her current barriers to self esteem?
Does she hate school? Bullying?
What about male role models in her life?

@bagsley
I feel for you. It's so hard to love them when they behave like this. It's also not easy to force them to join clubs and activities as they will simply refuse. If she will do something she likes do encourage it by all means. I don't know the answer to be honest

Thank you all for advice, we have a parent app but I have stopped all social media as she was overriding the app... she is at army cadets as we come from a military background and she enjoys this.. it's just so concerning that her self valued self worth are so low despite us giving praise etc. It's just a rough time at the moment 😢💔😢💔

There's an app that my daughter has, called luna (I found it on instagram, the website is here: https://weareluna.app/?utm_campaign=mumsnet_share&utm_id=_1) and it has a lot of helpful info about relationships, consent, sex etc. but it's all made by medical experts and is actually age-appropriate. I really trust it and it's reliable, so I know my daughter is seeing stuff that is going to be helpful for her. Sounds like this would be good for your daughter to read through. It has stuff about gaining self-esteem and what makes a good relationship. It's really important. Good luck with everything.