rowing back/ reducing phone time with 13 yr old - success stories please

[waterrat]

I am very aware of all sides of phone arguments - but I am now seeing severe addictive behaviour in my 13 year old, poor behaviour in school and loss of interest in other actrivities.

the parental controls do. not. work - if anyone has tips on better ones that Apple controls they are welcome - I tried Qustudio and he kept deleting the app - also it's a sore point as it flashes up all over the screen - i am trying to find a way that involves collaboration with him.

My husband and I are reasonably tech savvy - yet the day to day reality is absolutely exhausting contant battle.

We take it at night - but just from casual use in the day it is hours of crap plus addiction.

I am sick of fighting/bickering/ constantly snapping over it - I am thinking of removing it and giving him a dumb phone for a few weeks - or - giving him my old smartphone compltely blocked down and putting his phone with all his SM apps etc away for a while

The apple parental controls do not stop him going over the limit on tik tok or snapchat - we have tried everything.

I am not interested in answer about 'just let him self regulate' - its like junk food, it's designed to be addictive and it's literally ruining his concentration.

Agree the Apple parent controls are pretty rubbish, ok for when they’re very young I suppose. Sorry I don’t have any suggestions op but can relate, dd is year 9 and ND, I now regret letting her use devices to help self regulate. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Started with the iPad during lockdown, and it really was helpful at that point, but since secondary it progressed on to phone use more and more and some gaming on the ps. I think she’s become addicted to short form sm and dopamine hits, I’m trying to educate her about it and she does take it seriously for a week maybe, but then gets sucked back into the addiction again.

thanks for the sympathetic reply - I really feel just this - it's all hindsight - very difficult to row back - without huge rows - I also genuinely can't find a practical solution at the moment

I actually prefer the PS gaming as it feels much less damaging than tik tok/short form videos. Prefer him chatting with mates playing Fifa anytime...to scrolling the phone.

I think you are absolutely right to just take it away. He can contact you on the dumb phone and text his friends. People will say he’ll be left out of stuff but is that really worse than the behaviours you’re currently seeing? There is still time to get a handle on it before big exams start looming but not much

We're having no trouble with the apple controls?

There's a time limit on each app that is controlled including google classroom as that's a back door to the internet.

We've blocked the App Store so it can't even be seen unless logged in as the parent as we found that by requesting "one more minute" DD could extend indefinitely and re download apps that we'd put limits on and then removed entirely. Once she downloaded the bastarding things there was no limit.

No social media at all except WhatsApp and 1 hr of Pinterest at the weekend on request. DD's are 15 and 12. They can't download it and have mostly stopped asking for SM, certainly the older one has, the younger still has a bit of a whinge now and again about how ruined her life is.....

At 13 we had to completely withdraw the phone from DD1 for three weeks of the easter hols as she could not leave the phone alone. Utterly addicted to the class groups who were endlessly spamming each other. She was a different child in a week so much so that she acknowledged it. Sleeping better, less anxious and much better humoured.

Generally we can spot if they've managed to get around the controls by the shockingly argumentative behaviour. But you have to keep on top of it.

Yes it is a nightmare. I am on my 3DC and it seems harder than ever. I have deleted her whatsapp atm due to her being silly and spamming.everyone.but also receiving inappropriate videos. I take the phone at 9pm and generally try to keep the phone out of her bedroom.

She gets apps reinstated when her behaviour and schoolwork improves.

We really need a nationwide ban on smartphones until 16 minimum but 18 would be the ideal. My DD is 13.

I think if you see something damaging your child you just have to take it away. He is not capable of weighing the risks and benefits at the moment, but you are. If the downsides outweigh the benefits (and it sounds like they really do right now) you have to remove it. No, he will not thank you for it, but you are doing it because he needs you to.

My DC is 13 and does not have a smartphone at all. She’s a little left out at times but she has friends and a social life. She is also missing out on the sexting, addiction, body image issues, porn and bullying that her friends are experiencing, so overall she thinks it’s worth it.

I agree with complete removal.

What issues are you having with parental controls? Just because that’s what I’m relying on and it would be interesting to know what doesn’t work.

Bit of a random one, but something that helped was the luna app (we are luna on the app store). It's a health &wellbeing app for teen girls, and has articles, quizzes, videos about screentime and having a 'digital detox'. It's all anbout taking control of wellbeing & health - including cutting back on screens. But it's said in a way that feels not judgemental or preachy. My DD has cut back a bit bcos of it, I'd recommend

How many hours a day is he currently having on his phone? If he's got it on him all day and using it before/after school etc then I'd give him a dumb phone to take to school and then give him an appropriate amount of time each evening with the smart phone.

That is interesting I will let my DD have a look at he app.

actually prefer the PS gaming as it feels much less damaging than tik tok/short form videos. Prefer him chatting with mates playing Fifa anytime...to scrolling the phone.

Why not let him do this instead then- give him a basic phone and then offer some time on gaming if he enjoys and can chat to real life mates at the same time. You can easily have parent controls over the time or what he’s playing as you can see the screen if you need to. My dc doesn’t have a smartphone but loves his PS and playing Fifa with mates, he’s not missing out on anything by not having social media- it just seems to cause problems for those who are on there.

@StillCreatingAName it's really great (and genuinely I mean that - I admire any parent that has achieved this with a secondary age child) - but my son has a smart phone and uses it constantly - to communicate with friends etc - to listen to music, all sorts - and yes he does plenty of totally pointless things on it

but the point is - he has it. And he was never, ever going to be a child who didn't want one - he is incredibly peer orientated and raged and raged over any limits we set

the idea of him happily going along with 'just' gaming is to be honest unimaginable - it would be to him the most enormous punishment and would sour our relationship.

I have another child who has happily gone along with not having one - it's realyl about different personalities.

What I ideally want is good controls that he can't tinker with - and him to accept this and not argue about them.

@SolidarityCone we use apple controls - despite being set (for example) to 20 minutes of tik tok he uses it for 1.5r hours - when we look I can see the rules there that we have set - and I can see that he has gone way over them - same with snapchat - it's very clearly set for a short time

another issue we noticed was he was cchanging the time on the phone to override the blocks/ evening shut down.

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams interesting about the app store maybe its something like that.

I've actually just asked chatgpt and got a reply that

🔍 Documented Flaws in Apple's Parental Controls

1. App Limits Not Enforced

Numerous parents have observed that setting time limits for apps like TikTok and Snapchat doesn't effectively restrict usage. Even when limits are set, these apps often remain accessible beyond the allotted time. For instance, a parent noted that despite setting a 5-minute limit for TikTok, their child used it for over two hours daily .Apple Support CommunityApple Support Community+1Reddit+1

1. 'Always Allowed' List Issues

Some apps inadvertently remain in the 'Always Allowed' list, bypassing set restrictions. Even after removing apps like Snapchat from this list, they sometimes reappear, negating any imposed limits .Reddit+3Reddit+3Apple Support Community+3Apple Support Community

1. Inconsistent Enforcement Across Devices

Parents have reported that Screen Time settings don't consistently apply across all devices. In some cases, restrictions work on one device but not on another, leading to confusion and frustration .Reddit+3Reddit+3Lifewire+3

1. Reinstallation Loopholes

If an app like TikTok was downloaded before restrictions were set, children can often reinstall it from their purchase history without triggering parental approval, effectively circumventing controls .Reddit

1. Delayed Bug Fixes

Apple has been slow to address known issues. For example, a significant bug allowing children to access restricted content via Safari remained unresolved for over three years, despite being reported multiple times .Apple Support Community+4Reddit+4Apple Support Community+4WSJ+1WSJ+1

Thank you! That’s very helpful, although he isn’t allowed any social media except WhatsApp so we don’t have time limits on any apps just a ‘bedtime’ settling where it goes off until the next day. I will check it again though!

“Changing the time on the phone to override the blocks/ evening shut down”.

oh, that’s really quite clever. Little so and so’s keep coming up with clever ways around it.

It sounds as though you are heading towards Nokia territory to be honest, just to detox him a bit and gain some perspective on his own habits ? I must watch that documentary on C4 about the Colchester school kids in year 8 who gave up their phones for a month (?) as an experiment.

We changed our rules so he only gets it during school hours or when out of the house with friends. Otherwise it gets handed over when he is at home

He’s not allowed Snapchat or TikTok at all until 16

Same here op - google family link is useless now she is 13